Question for an Expert in Catholicism & Vocation

This is a sincere and real question, not a debate topic, but there was no "Ask the Expert" area for this that I could find.

My situation is rather an unusual one, I fear. From the age of three, I expressed to my mother, and other family members, a strong desire to enter a cloistered life. Although it piqued some interest in them as to where I might have "gotten such a notion," it was not seriously considered by them. I was not born to a family that followed Catholicism, nor had I ever had, at that point, any exposure to those of the faith.

The desire continued upmost in my heart and mind until finally, when I had reached the age of fourteen, my mother told me that it was simply impossible and that, had God truly wished me to enter the novitiate, He would have seen fit to prepare me by sending me to a Catholic family. I had by this time researched Catholicism with great fervency. I had studied other religions as well, wishing to be certain that my vocation was true, and to try to discern why I might have felt this pronounced calling from such an early age; it seemed an uncommon thing in one who hadn't any previous exposure and whose desire to enter the religious life was so very unsupported.

My mother's exasperated words, when I was fourteen, changed my life ... and not, I fear, for the better though I have since learned not to second-guess providence. I believed her, if not accurate, than at least to have been given the compass with which to direct my life. To do otherwise was to break the commandment to respect my parents. It was a moral quandry for me, but in the end I was persuaded that God must have a different plan or he would have granted me the support needed to pursue my vocation. So, I lived the life of the non-Catholic.

I did as was asked of me, dating obediently but with a sense that the life I was living was not the one intended for me. I married, had children, divorced with the blessing of the Baptist church to which my husband belonged rather than to have the physical temple of God further vandalized by his abuse.

I attended college, majoring in Comparitive Religions and minoring in Psychology. I married, at last, a man fifteen years my senior who had been raised within the church, but had broken from it. We travelled as the result of his work, living in Kenya for several years. We had two sons, and though they were not born within the church, I taught them the faith even after the marriage had ended. I also provided my former husband with the consolation and succor needed for him to feel that he could return to the church, this happening after the marraige had been broken. He attends still, so at least this one thing ... this and the children and the experience of travel... were positive outflow from the marriage.

I am now nearing forty-eight. I am married and have children who will be independant of me within the next six years. The marriage has, in many respects, grown alien to me, requiring me to behave in ways that I can not reconcile with my "inner compass of morality before God." And the urge ... the pull toward a quiet life of contemplative study, worship and aid to others has not left me in the least. This "phase" my mother spoke of is clearly far stronger than the temptations of worldliness that tempt me not at all.

I feel rather like I am living in Dante's Purgatorio, neither one place or the other, in my life. I am compelled to do what I was unable to before and yet now, through my obedience, find myself no longer worthy though my motives remained pure and without guile. To continue as I am is to deny both God and self, and yet I feel that, because I chose to obey my mother those many years ago, I am no longer worthy of that which was inbred in me to do. I live in a small town, where full disclosure even to the local Father is beyond my ability. My arriving on the doorstep of the church here would be enough to incite comment and question simply because that is the nature of the town itself, and its seeking any item of interest from the limited surroundings.

Might you, possibly, be able to place me in touch with someone who could advise me in these matters, or perhaps someone who has already successfully forded these dark waters and might point the steps to me?

Yours In Christ Jesus,

P. Craig