Q's to Aussie Tourism Website

The questions below about Australia are from potential
visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and
the answers are the actual responses by the website
officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

---------

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never
seen it rain on TV,

how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
around watching them die.



Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
(USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.



Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
water.



Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in
Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.



Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?
Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,
Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?



Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south
of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the
middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.



Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us
when you get here and we'll send the rest of the
directions.



Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.



Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
(USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna
Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.



Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?



Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk
available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.



Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who
can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU
come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly
harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.



Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear
and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because
they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of
anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off
by spraying yourself with human urine before you go
out walking.



Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.



Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain
of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in
Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.



Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the
female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.



Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: only at Christmas.



Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to
contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings
Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the
hour.



Q: Will I be able to speak real English most places I go?
(USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first