Interfaith Relationships--are they possible?

yeshiiwaa- Welcome to A2K!

Interfaith marriages, IMO, will work if both parties are not terribly connected to their religion. It may also work if each party respects the other's views, and does not attempt to convert the other to their religion.



I think that your boyfriend is being very up front with you. Unless you change your faith to his, it sounds like there will be big problems. Better that you knew this now, than after you are married. If I were you, I would think about this very carefully before I would make a marital committment to this man.

I don't think that it is realistic for a person to change their religious beliefs for the sake of their spouse. Religious beliefs are the core of someone's personality. You can't change your "core" for someone else, without betraying yourself.

Difficult at best, impossible if there is friction regarding ones religious beliefs.

I swore I was not going to post on a Religion thread again, but I am going
to pull on my asbestos skivvies and post anyway. I think I can offer
some personal experience here that may help.

To begin with, I think you are very wise to thrash this out BEFORE
marriage.

My wife and I have made this work in our marriage of 26 years.
I practice religion.
My wife does not believe in organized religion.
We knew this and discussed it before we married.
Here's what we agreed on, and what we have continued to live by.

We respect each other's beliefs as honestly held.
Neither tries to "convert" the other.
By our mutual agreement, the children were raised in a belief system,
but we realize that they will make their own decisions. We want those
decisions to be informed decisions.
No question about religion is "out of bounds" in our household. Ask
questions, get answers. Mom's answer is often different than Dad's.

It's not easy, but it can work.
BUT ONLY IF BOTH SIDES STRIVE TO MAKE IT WORK.

Marriage is about both sides keeping their sides of the bargain.
Know what that bargain is beforehand, and don't make it if you can't keep
it.

All my best to you.

George- Great post. I think that you and your wife are extremely wise people to have worked out this knotty problem in such an amicable way!

yeshiiwaa
Please clarify what you consider to be an interfaith relationship. There is a vast difference between a relationship of two people of different faiths and one who practices religion and the other does not. Allbe it they may be of the same faith.

Ok...so maybe it's not Interfaith so much as...well I don't know what to call it then. I'm agnostic--and don't believe in organized religion (something about it just doesn't make sense to me), and my boyfriend believes in it with all his heart.
Its so frustrating to have this one thing that is different between us that neither one of us can change. I totally respect his need for religion and god in his life, but I think he's having a hard time respecting that I don't.
George's post was perfect...and that's exactly what we talked about, but I think one of his other problems is dealing with being with someone who doesn't believe we're going to be together somewhere when we die.

"but I think one of his other problems is dealing with being with someone who doesn't believe we're going to be together somewhere when we die."


Does he believe you're going to be together when you die or does he believe that because you don't believe what he believes you go to another place?

If he thinks you're going to another place and he loves you so much I can understand why it would be so difficult for him.

This is a topic of some interest to me as well, as I have recently started a romantic relationship with a Muslim from Algeria, and I am a Catholic. Perhaps sharing some of my recent experience could be of aid to you. He doesn't practice fervently because of his distaste for what the Islamist Terrorists have done to his people. It seems he's almost turned his back on his faith altogether. I've faltered at points with my Christianity, but it's always been very important to me. So anyway, we have talked at length about religion, about what it means to love God, and to love another human being.
We have also talked about what interfaith relationships mean for marriage and children. For him, it's not important whether I am a Christian or a Muslim. But if we stay together (it's about to become long-distance when I return to the USA from France), and if this relationship approaches the point of considering marriage, I think that it could become difficult: not so much for us, but more so for our parents. I think that his parents would have a hard time reconciling themselves with a Western, Christian, and worst of all, partly French, daughter in law. His grandfather died in the war of Independence against the French. And my parents are dealing with stereotypes and fears stemming from the Terrorist Attacks (Ironically my boyfriend's birthday is on September 11th). This are all minor obstacles that can be overcome with good dialogue I believe. But it still presents difficulties. We're dealing with cultural, religious, language, and physical barriers. And I still hope that I can try to make this work. And despite everything, I'm optimistic.
I hope for you that you're boyfriend will see that as important and integral as religion is to one's self-image, you can still love somebody wholeheartedly who is different than you. But for some people, romantic relationships and religion cannot be separated because God created love and sex, and through these relationships, we create children. Then the question arises, how do we raise them. In my case, I haven't even considered it because I'm not even realistically considering marriage at this point. Once I conquer the Atlantic Ocean, I'll figure that one out. But it's my opinion that you should be open with your children about all possibilities while keeping them grounded in some type of faith. Even if parents are believers, if they dont follow up their faith by educating their children about it, then the children will be less likely to choose any belief system (some people would argue this is better). And I honestly wish I had the answers.
I wish you well. And if your boyfriend has already got his mind made up about all or nothing, it's a shame. But as someone here already said, religion is a very personal thing, and if one holds relationships to be part of it, they should follow their convictions, as painful as it can be. Wow, my post was long, and not very helpful, but I hope I provided at least a couple things to think about.

~Danielle

~Danielle
I don't want to throw cold water at you. But at the moment you are blinded by romantic love. However, the romance sooner or later fades and one is confronted by harsh reality. Marriage in itself is a difficult transition. Starting out with the deck stacked against you makes even more so.

Yeah...he decided it wasn't going to work. Better now though. Ouch.

Have a great day, everyone.

Yes au1929, I have a feeling that you could be right about this one. I guess I've been trying to be optimistic about my situation, but the truth is that it isn't realistic. My friend and I have decided to stay in contact after I leave for the states (a date that is approaching quite rapidly), but to 86 the idea of any sort of romance. Its hard because we hit it off fairly well. But from the get-go I've known that it wouldn't work. I just sort of convinced myself that I had nothing to lose. Even putting religion aside, there are tons of reasons not to put my hope in this. But then, I'm getting off subject here.