Women inspectors needed in Iraq to find the stash

This is funny---I only wish it were true.

Women inspectors needed in Iraq to find the stash

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying out loud! They can't find the dirty clothes hamper. They can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor..... And these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? They probably couldn't find them if they were lying in the middle of a dusty street with a picture of Saddam aiming a rifle in the air taped on the side.

I keep wondering why groups of women weren't sent in---preferably mothers. After all, mothers know that their boys can't find their socks or underwear when they're neatly folded in their dresser drawers, so how could they be expected to find hidden biological weapons? On the other hand, mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.

What we need over there are women like my mother. My mother could find the old olive bottles filled with dimes that dad stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. She could sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. She always knew when the lid of the cookie jar had been disturbed, and I swear she must have dusted for prints on the roll of salami that was always in the refrigerator. She knew if a slice had been removed and by whom.

I developed her ability to stalk out criminal activity when my kids were at home. They couldn't get away with much that I didn't know about. They still think they got away with a lot, but actually I always knew what they were doing, and if I decided that what they were doing was not too important or dangerous, I allowed them to think they were getting away with it. It was important for them to think they have an uncanny ability to pull the wool over mom's eyes occasionally.

But male inspectors? Going after Saddam? Now I know that our country has gone mad. Those inspectors will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats. They will try to use science to find chemicals. These men, dressed in their pretentious jumpsuits, carrying their bulging briefcases, will barge into palaces and hovels, look around and then officiously announce, "all clear."

But if mothers were sent in they wouldn't need body suits, briefcases or science. Mothers would go in, charge up to Saddam and, with their hands on their hips, demand, "do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And they could tell in an instant whether he was lying or telling the truth.

And mothers would be quite capable of finding his cache no matter how cleverly he thought it was hidden. God help him once it was found; he would be chastised until he begged for mercy. He wouldn't be given a "time-out;" he would get an old fashioned butt-kicking by women who are adept at butt-kicking. And by the time these women finished with Saddam, he would be sitting in the middle of a dusty road with a limp rifle and a stunned look on his evil face.