Will the pastors family and I ever reconcile?

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So back in January, I had a falling out with the pastors family. I had been talking to his daughter online (his children are all college age), and one day his son came up to me and called me barely tolerable while the two daughters ignored me. This triggered a panic attack, delusions, hallucinations, mainly because I knew them as minors and panicked because I was worried I said something wrong. I was so afraid I turned myself into the police, and said I wasn't sure if I did anything illegal. They said I hadn't crossed a line, and brought me to mental health. I later talked to the pastor and he said there's no animosity and they care about me, and that I was welcome at the church, but want to give me the space I need to move forward, and said that if a girl doesnt want friendship, it may not be what I want but to respect it, and then mentioned the prodigal son story and said the father embraced the child when he came back, but I feel like that's filling me with false hope. But the problem is that it doesnt mean just her and I end, it means I'm no longer able to be friends with the entire pastors family either. Part of me knows he just wants his daughter to be happy and comfortable, but I also feel judged and excluded and like they aren't treating this biblically...the pastor said my feelings aren't his responsibility, even though his family is the one causing the damaged feelings, and now I'm really confused. I loved them so much and feel so betrayed.

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 2,212 • Replies: 40

@shyguygamer1,

Do you have family or a counsellor in real life you can discuss this with?

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

I had one for a while but recently moved away. Honestly he didn't seem to help much or understand the problem. His advice also I think made things worse. Also to my knowledge was an individual therapist, not a familycounselor, as it was just me at the church,

1 Reply

@shyguygamer1,

Hopefully you can find a good local counsellor you like to work with.

Do you feel you will be able to attend that church without getting involved with/attached to the pastor's family again? if not, is there a church of the same/similar denomination you can attend?

What do you do when you're not being a gamerguy? do you have any hobbies/interests that take you outside of the house?

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable at the church, but I'm nowhere near them anyway. I guess I'm confused who's in the wrong here. I really feel like they're being unloving and from what people have said to me nobody seems to think I did anything wrong, and even the pastor said he didn't feel slighted in any way when I asked if I had hurt anybody. As far as attachment, I get attached to everybody fairly easily, I've always believed in being transparent with people and working things out/reconciling.

I primarily work, but some of my gaming interests do get me out of the house.

Like the pastors family is always preaching love one another, dont judge, show grace. I'm just not seeing it.

3 Replies

@shyguygamer1,

Sometimes those in and of the religion based communities will talk about love, forgiveness and other good qualities which the Bible professes and encourages; however, they cant, don't or just won't always display these attributes. This can be true even of those who are leading the congregation. It may not be that these people don't try, perhaps they haven't discovered the element of expression and therefore they seem to betray their words. They are humans after all and that means they too are subject to error.

If they and the church leave you saddened and uncomfortable, seek another house of worship. My mother, born into the Jewish faith, chose to examine Christianity. When she did, she took a journey through several denominations until she found the one which to and for her was most welcoming. It's a lesson learned and one I keep in mind daily. Never stop searching, never give up just because one person or group is not accepting of you as you are.

1 Reply

@shyguygamer1,

shyguygamer1 wrote:

I guess I'm confused who's in the wrong here.

maybe no one is in the wrong
maybe everyone was a bit in the wrong

what matters is moving forward

if you're an adult who works, your primary relationships should be with other adults - adults who are interested in being in relationships with you. that doesn't seem to describe the pastor's children.

move on - meet people in real life who share interests with you. look at meet-ups in your area, clubs for people with similar interests.

__

Locally, there has been a real resurgence of pokemon go lately and we see groups of people out looking for the gyms (? right term) while we're out walking the dog.

If you're a cosplayer, join a local group and go on trips with them.

0 Replies

@Sturgis,

Sturgis wrote:

Never stop searching, never give up just because one person or group is not accepting of you as you are.

such great advice

0 Replies

@shyguygamer1,

shyguygamer1 wrote:

what people have said to me nobody seems to think I did anything wrong

Are you sure the people you're consoling your concerns with aren't blinded by courtesy and friend/family bias?

shyguygamer1 wrote:

As far as attachment, I get attached to everybody fairly easily, I've always believed in being transparent with people and working things out/reconciling.

I'm not sure that you are being transparent with yourself.

shyguygamer1 wrote:

Like the pastors family is always preaching love one another, dont judge, show grace. I'm just not seeing it.

So? The pastor is being an unchristian hypocrite? Nothing new there.

You're implicitly answering your own questions and concerns but you're just not seeing the sunshine on a cloudless August noontime while standing naked in the middle of the Sahara freaking desert.

You have no choice but to move on without the pastor's family while considering the church pretty much off-limits and a place of your troubled past. Whether the pastor is morally or ethically in the wrong? Finding out the answer to that? How will that help you in the long run?

What you described in your original post may not be illegal or ethically wrong (that's why everyone is confirming this to you) but it seems you're teetering on the edge of becoming a high risk stalker (illegal activity, etc...).

Move on with your life. Find another base for moral, spiritual, etc... support. This well of compassion has run dry.

1 Reply

@tsarstepan,

There's no way I'd be a stalker. I never went back to the church and I live far away from them now. But it's just like I'm so mad and hurt and confused. I keep getting hurt by churches and this one felt so loving for years until this happened.

1 Reply

@shyguygamer1,

shyguygamer1 wrote:

There's no way I'd be a stalker. and this one felt so loving for years until this happened.

I'm glad to read that. Now, you have to learn to accept things you can't change like the pastor, his family, and the toxic environments of his and the other church communities.

1 Reply

@tsarstepan,

The thing that really bothers me is the pastor said I'm still allowed to call him and go to the church, and really the main thing is he makes it sound like his daughter is "sinning" like he was comparing her to the prodigal son and I'm like and saying how if she comes back to embrace her...and I'm like that isn't biblical and if she comes back I'm going to have words for her. She didn't even have the courtesy to talk to me directly about anything and resorted to her brother insulting me. This is the part that made me so angry and every ounce of me wants to ruin their image but I'm restraining myself only because I really do care about them. But if they come back I'm going to get angry and I'm going to yell at them and I'm going to let them have it and let them know it's not ok to treat me this way.

1 Reply

@shyguygamer1,

Holding on to that anger and wanting to yell at them is not going to help the situation.

You have moved away. Find a new community of church and friends.

Leave this situation behind.

Find a counsellor who is close to you who can help you process this in a healthier (for you) way.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

ehBeth wrote:

Holding on to that anger and wanting to yell at them is not going to help the situation.

You have moved away. Find a new community of church and friends.

Leave this situation behind.

Find a counsellor who is close to you who can help you process this in a healthier (for you) way.

Simply the only right answer to the whole situation. Holding onto that anger is really toxic and self-harming.

0 Replies

@shyguygamer1,

Let me see if I have the background right.

- You were chatting online with the pastor's young adult daughter.
- Something was said and both the daughters stopped talking to you and the son told you off.
- Whatever was said was such that you turned yourself into the police because you thought of them as minors.
- The pastor said you are still welcome at church but if his daughter doesn't want to be friends, you need to respect that.

Did I get those points right?

1 Reply

@engineer,

A couple edits: idk if I said something they didn't like. I had asked if I did. The pastor said there was no need to apologize for anything. It's not that I thought of them as minors still...its that I knew them when they were minors (I had been helping out with youth group) and I panicked because I wasn't sure if I said something wrong. Other than that yes. And one daughter blocked me, not the other...but I've only talked to pastor since then.
The other really weird thing is that all the other family members still like my Facebook posts, and before I moved away I ran into the one daughter who blocked me and the mother...the girl smiled at me and the mother said hi, i just said hi back and went on, but wished we would have talked.

1 Reply

@shyguygamer1,

Because you were helping out with the youth group and not in it yourself, I assume you are noticeably older than the college aged children. My thoughts:

- You should go back and review what was said. My guess is that something you said was interpreted as sexual in nature.
- You should not confuse the occasional smile in public as anything more than a polite greeting.
- You should respect the desires of the woman who blocked you. Do not contact her in any way.
- The father/pastor is right on target here. You are welcome in church in Christian love ... and leave his daughter alone. I do not see any hypocrisy in his statements to you and given that he has likely heard only his daughter's point of view he seems like a credit to the clergy.
- You are the prodigal son in his example. Repent and all is forgiven. Now if only you could figure out what you need to repent for.

1 Reply

@engineer,

The only thing here is i asked if i had done anything to hurt anybody, and he said he didn't feel slighted in any way. I know the police thing probably made them really uncomfortable...but the fact they can't say what I did wrong originally is really what bothers me. And I haven't contacted the daughter...but she blocked me when I met with her dad...so it's like she doesnt even want me at church either.

1 Reply

@shyguygamer1,

shyguygamer1 wrote:

The only thing here is i asked if i had done anything to hurt anybody, and he said he didn't feel slighted in any way.

There you have it. End of this particular story. Start writing the next chapter of your life. The more you push for answers from the pastor or his family? The more you are going to ... at least appear ... TO THEM that you're crossing over some mentally unstable line where they now would have to actively seek ways to prevent you from contacting/meeting them in the future.

You're not there yet. Why insist on pushing your luck where you will be there soon enough. Regardless of what you think and/or say. Regardless of what we think and/or say. You're in the clear now. Move on with your life [PERIOD][DEAD STOP][PERSUE THIS NO FURTHER]

1 Reply

@tsarstepan,

Well his exact words were "give her the space she needs to process." I'm just very confused about what the end goal is here. He said they talked as a family and it was very emotional but when he talks of it it's like he plants this hope that maybe in the future her feelings will change, and it's like I dont want to have this false hope that maybe we would work it out someday. Because honestly if they ever do try to reconcile I'm going to tear them a new one verbally.

1 Reply

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