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Comedian quotes

 
 
Reyn
 
Reply Sun 27 Feb, 2005 09:18 pm
Comedian Quotes

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
--Joel Lindley

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
--Tim Allen

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.
--Wendy Liebman

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
--George Carlin

My favorite animal is steak.
--Fran Lebowitz

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
--Daniel Lybra

In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home.
--Dennis Miller

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.
--Bill Cosby

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
--Elayne Boosler

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
--Tracy Smith

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
--Henny Youngman

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
--Jay Leno

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
--Janeane Garofalo

I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.
--Margaret Smith

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
--Steven Wright

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
--Johnny Carson

I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.
--Dennis Miller

Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
--Bobcat Goldthwait

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
--Tim Allen

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looks like.
--Phyllis Diller

The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.
--Ellen DeGeneres

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
--Henny Youngman

Anorexia is just another word for nothing left to lose.
--Joy Behar

I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.
--Howie Mandel

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
--Roseanne

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
--Ray Romano

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
--Paula Poundstone

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
--Groucho Marx

There's only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
--Elayne Boosler

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
--Erma Bombeck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
--George Carlin

Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God.
--Lenny Bruce

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
--Ellen DeGeneres

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows.
--Monica Piper

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
--Mike Binder

Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out.
--Steven Wright

Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn't own a car.
-- Carrie Snow

I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.
-- Drew Carey

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
-- Dave Barry

Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I've stepped in it a few times.
-- Rita Rudner

Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
-- Fran Lebowitz

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
-- Jon Stewart
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Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 38,940 • Replies: 14
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bubbleme80
 
  0  
Reply Sun 27 Feb, 2005 09:51 pm
thanks! i love these!
0 Replies
 
kendrajean32
 
  2  
Reply Mon 28 Feb, 2005 03:18 am
The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. --Amy Grant

I look at him and he doesn't look anything like me and I think, Am I the mother?
--Madonna (1958-) on her son Rocco

When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house. One was me, and the other was my guitar
--Bruce Springsteen

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives. (Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day. (Frank Sinatra)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. (Charles Lamb)

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender. (Kay Ingram)

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like 'What I'm going to be if I grow up.' (Lenny Bruce)

Bessie Braddock (to Winston Churchill): Winston, you're drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

It's better to be looked over than overlooked. (Mae West)

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls. (Groucho Marx)

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. (George Bernard Shaw)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. (Spike Milligan)

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. (Groucho Marx)

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. (Ronald Knox)

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. (Harry S. Truman)

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Mark Twain)

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. (Mark Twain)

When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. (Mae West)

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. (Mae West)

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. (W.C. Fields)

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. (Mark Twain)

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. (Marilyn Monroe, asked if she really had nothing on in a calendar photograph)

Chanel No. 5. (Marilyn Monroe, asked what she wore in bed)
0 Replies
 
SlyEnemy
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Apr, 2005 01:39 am
When I told them I was going to become a comedian they laughed at me. They're not laughing now! - Bob Monkhouse

When I'm drunk, I'm the hardest man in the world... Four guys pull up in this Jeep saying "Oh, you're that Mark Lamaar, we hate you". I say "Come on then, you want a fight?". All four of them climb out and I'm thinking "Well... That's your first mistake... No car". - Mark Lamaar

"Goooooaaaaalllll!" - Harry Hill
0 Replies
 
Spastic
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 May, 2005 01:37 pm
"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D". "
Mitch Hedberg

R.I.P. Mitch
0 Replies
 
smog
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 May, 2005 01:44 pm
"Organ donors are for people with no faith at all. What if they figure out a way to bring you back from the dead? And now I don't got no eyes. Ain't this a bitch! Back from the dead and I can't see ****." -Chris Rock
0 Replies
 
Lambchop
 
  1  
Reply Sun 15 May, 2005 10:34 pm
"Hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody and they meet at a bar."

Drew Carey
0 Replies
 
NeroStrike
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 May, 2005 11:40 pm
these are just a bunch of george carlin quotes i find HILARIOUS from his book Napalm & Silly Putty. i'm a huge george carlin fan... too bad i'm only 17 or else i would go see him live...

"The trouble with a sitcom is that every week it's the same irritating group of assholes"

"If the police never find it, is it still a clue?"

"THE CHRISTIANS ARE COMING TO GET YOU, AND THEY ARE NOT PLEASANT PEOPLE"

"I recently bought a book of free verse... for twelve dollars."

"When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse."

"You know what you never hear about? A bunch of Jews being hit by a tornado."

"I think a good title for a travel book would be Doorway to Norway."

"Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook."

"I tried to give up heroin, but my efforts were all in vein."

"When someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say, 'It's either six-fifteen, or Mickey has a hard-on.' Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else."

"Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?" this one had me thinking

"An art thief is a man who takes pictures."

"#%@$ whole-grain cereal. When I want fiber, I'll eat some wicker furniture."

"Christian Deodorant: 'Thou Shalt Not Smell.'"

well thats all for me folks perhaps if i get a good response to this post i'll put up some more, after all, i do have an entire book of them.

oh and by the way congrats to me for this being my 3rd post. Very Happy
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Jul, 2005 09:12 pm
George Carlin on Martha Stewart's recent incarceration:

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take
the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard,
and haul her ass off to jail."
0 Replies
 
tjrice
 
  2  
Reply Thu 4 Jun, 2009 08:11 pm
@Reyn,
I am a janitor, thats my mop-uccation.

-Tim Rice
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  2  
Reply Thu 4 Jun, 2009 09:55 pm
@Reyn,
funny thread reyn
I remember Rodney D saying his wife's cooking was so bad the flies chipped in to fix the screen door
Reyn
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2009 11:26 am
@panzade,
Yeah, enough for someone to ressurect it from 2005, apparantly! Laughing
0 Replies
 
Merry Andrew
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2009 11:43 am
@panzade,
Rodney also said that the neighborhood he grew up in was so bad that "they tore it down to build a slum." I believe that's been resurected as well.
0 Replies
 
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Nov, 2009 02:13 pm
Rodney also said that, when he went to a massage salon, he was told it is self-service.
0 Replies
 
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Nov, 2009 02:22 pm
From Woody Allen:

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.



As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"" probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.



At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.



Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.



By love, of course, I refer to romantic love"the love between man and woman, rather that between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.



And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever.



And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.



Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.


0 Replies
 
 

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