Confused!

Forums:
Email this Topic • Print this Page

If your boyfriend says he can't stay with you anymore, but comes home every day and sleeps in the same bed, does he really mean it?

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 660 • Replies: 25

[+3] - centrox - 01/18/2018You'd think after a year his issues might have quietened down a bit. The trouble is, I don't know you, or him. I personally would consider it abuse if someone messed with my head in this way, and...
[+3] - jespah - 01/18/2018[quote="centrox"] You'd think after a year his issues might have quietened down a bit. The trouble is, I don't know you, or him. I personally would consider it abuse if someone messed...

It may mean he doesn't want to consider himself officially your boyfriend any more, but he's quite happy to accept your warm bed (and all goes with that) until he gets a better offer, or you get wise. As you get older you will find that quite a lot of boys are like that. Why don't you ask him exactly what he means? You've got nothing to lose.

1 Reply

@centrox,

Hmm, perhaps I've over simplified it and made it seem like he's just using me. We've been living together for a year and I've got two kids who he's very attached to, he's got deep trust issues which is what is making him feel like he can't stay even if he wants to. In this scenario, what does it mean that he hasn't left yet?

1 Reply

@stepphy126,

stepphy126 wrote:

In this scenario, what does it mean that he hasn't left yet?

It might just be his issues talking. He might want to stay, but his issues make him feel edgy and nervous (perhaps). Why don't you ask him if he's planning to leave any time soon? These things are best helped if you talk to each other. If he can't or won't talk about what he means, maybe you should consider your options, which might include couple counselling. You have kids, right?

1 Reply

@centrox,

It seems every time I broach the subject he says he's leaving me, but when I just ignore it we continue on as normal, except we don't have any intimacy, I guess it's his way of getting space and distance from me. We don't have kids together, they are my kids from a previous marriage but he's very close to them.

1 Reply

@stepphy126,

stepphy126 wrote:

We don't have kids together, they are my kids from a previous marriage but he's very close to them.

In that case, they deserve to know (or for you to know on their behalf) that he is going to be there for them. Bottom line, how long do you want to carry on like this?

1 Reply

@centrox,

Yeah I know, I hear what you are saying because ultimately it's hurting both me and him and eventually when it comes down to it, the kids as well. I think mainly he's confused and part of him wants to stay and the other part thinks it's not worth it, a relationship cannot work without trust so while he loves us, he doesn't think it will work, but it still hanging around. Argh! So confusing!!

Thanks for listening by the way

0 Replies

You'd think after a year his issues might have quietened down a bit. The trouble is, I don't know you, or him. I personally would consider it abuse if someone messed with my head in this way, and the very next time he said "I am going to leave", I'd be saying "OK. I respect that. When? If not right now, then why not? I need to know for the rent and stuff." If he said "I don't know, when I get around to it, I guess", I'd be saying "That's not good enough. I can't hang around with my life on hold while you sort yourself out. Either you leave now or shut up about it." In fact I might consider ejecting him anyhow. But that's just the way I am. You may be (evidently are) not like that. I think (again this is my personal take on it) that you should consider that the stability of yourself and your family comes first, and if this relationship isn't working out after a year, then maybe (sadly) it's time to put a stop to it. But like I say, you are the one in the hot seat, not me. The kids must be picking up that something is not right, surely? At the moment it's all about him. Him, his issues, his wants, his needs, what he says. Maybe it's time to make it about you and your kids.

2 Replies

@centrox,

Wow, that was a lot to take. But yes, I am not like that at all, I'm the type of person who wants to make it work and everyone to be happy and all just get along. I don't think I would ever be strong enough to say those things, and more importantly, I love him and I don't want him to leave.

A bit more background is needed perhaps, I broke his trust a few times in the relationship and he took me back multiple times, I think he's just reached the end of his rope now. Maybe that might help you out a little bit in trying to understand why things are where they are right now.

2 Replies

@stepphy126,

stepphy126 wrote:

I broke his trust a few times in the relationship and he took me back multiple times

A "few" times? In a year? Now that's a different story. Any of these quite recent? Anyhow, him guilt-tripping you and saying unsettling things is not a good sign.

1 Reply

@stepphy126,

stepphy126 wrote:

I'm the type of person who wants to make it work and everyone to be happy and all just get along.

Ain't we all? No matter how much we want a cracked pitcher to just hold the water so everyone can have a nice drink, it's still going to run out.

0 Replies

@centrox,

I never cheated if that's what you think, it's more like looking up pictures of exs and things of that nature, I would never cheat on him. However, he was cheated on repeatedly in his previous relationship so he's very sensitive to anything like that.

0 Replies

He could be using these issues to control you.

1 Reply

@centrox,

You reckon? He doesn't seem like the type and I've been controlled in most of my relationships already. Why would you think that's controlling behaviour?

0 Replies

Guilt-tripping you, keeping you on tenterhooks about whether he'll stay or not, these sound pretty controlling to me.

0 Replies

@centrox,

centrox wrote:

You'd think after a year his issues might have quietened down a bit. The trouble is, I don't know you, or him. I personally would consider it abuse if someone messed with my head in this way, and the very next time he said "I am going to leave", I'd be saying "OK. I respect that. When? If not right now, then why not? I need to know for the rent and stuff." If he said "I don't know, when I get around to it, I guess", I'd be saying "That's not good enough. I can't hang around with my life on hold while you sort yourself out. Either you leave now or shut up about it." In fact I might consider ejecting him anyhow. But that's just the way I am. You may be (evidently are) not like that. I think (again this is my personal take on it) that you should consider that the stability of yourself and your family comes first, and if this relationship isn't working out after a year, then maybe (sadly) it's time to put a stop to it. But like I say, you are the one in the hot seat, not me. The kids must be picking up that something is not right, surely? At the moment it's all about him. Him, his issues, his wants, his needs, what he says. Maybe it's time to make it about you and your kids.

This.

To the OP: your boyfriend is hedging his bets. He gets to tell you that you're an awful person and have done - whatever - yet when push comes to shove, hanging around is far easier than looking for an apartment.

He's a bad tenant, overstayed his welcome. You don't have to start off mean about it, but you do need to be firm. If your kids were doing something unacceptable, you wouldn't bend to them just to get along (or would you?). So why are you accepting this nonsense from him.

you might want to say something like this wrote:

Here ya go. Here are the apartment listings. I found four nice ones and I circled them. No, we are not breaking up unless you want to. But in the meantime, you've got issues to work out, and we're just a distraction. Go to a new place and we won't be a distraction to you.

And mean it.

PS Next time? Don't live together so quickly and don't introduce your kids into the mix so quickly. This drags them around a lot worse than it will you. They don't deserve to be in the middle of his bullshit - because that's what it is.

0 Replies

@stepphy126,

It isn't clear. People are making assumptions, but you haven't said clearly what the arrangement is and matters?

Whose bed is it? Who got the apartment? Who is paying the rent?

0 Replies

Wow... some really scathing things said and not really easy to read when I'm already going through this stuff.

It's my apartment and he's living here because he's not actually from here he moved here to be with me and I know all of you are now going to jump on the bandwagon of he's using me for a place to stay. He has in the past said many times he'd get his own place so I don't think that's true.

Like I said he was wrecked in his previous relationship by constant cheating so any lies or deceit he takes very seriously. I never cheated on him but I have been caught looking up exs and stuff like that which he thinks will eventually lead to me straying.

I guess my confusion is, I get that it's convenient for him to stay here rather than try and find other living arrangements but why the same bed? We have a guest room, and he sleeps near me as well like he's looking for the closeness but is still hurt maybe? I'm not sure.

1 Reply

@stepphy126,

He's being passive agressive- push and pull, difficult to figure out. He wants to be a mystery so he acts needy one minute, then ignores you the next.

He owes you honesty and he owes you an adult conversation.

Can you make him a deal? Tell him you won't look up old exes online anymore ( how did he find that out?) and he needs to talk to you. Thise things need to happen.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Hmm, to be honest I don't think that he's doing it on purpose, or perhaps he is to hurt me the way he's hurting. I just genuinely think he's confused as well, he loves me and loves the life we have together but is terrified he'll be hurt again like he was before.

The looking up exs was my stupid fault and it wasn't the first time and that's why he doesn't trust me, I've told him I wouldn't do it before and then did it again. I've since deleted and blocked everyone so that I won't do it anymore but he's saying it's too little too late kinda thing.

The problem is that every time we talk about it he's adamant he's going to leave and then we go to bed and the next morning everything is ok again, except minus any type of intimacy.

Our relationship as it is now is exactly the same as it was, we laugh and joke and go out together and spend time with the kids. The only difference is we don't kiss or cuddle at all.

1 Reply

Forums
» Confused!

Read Question
Reply to All

Confused!

Quick Links

My Account

able2know