SEXLESS RELATIONSHIP

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My girlfriend and I of 6 years started out with a great sex life..fun...spontaneous...mutual. Now there is almost nothing. She seems loving and kind in every other way...she just doesn't seem to have any desire. Sometimes its like she can barely tolerate me touching her. We barely kiss. We barely touch. She has two kids from a previous marriage. We live together. A couple of years ago she said she couldn't have sex or be intimate in any way when the kids were in the house. So now, because her kids are rarely not at home...we have no opportunity for sex. And further...because the kids are always there (they are 16 and 12) there is no talking about sex...theres no planning for it...theres no thinking about it. I can't argue against her not feeling comfortable with the kids in the house so there is nothing I can do. But I can't help but feel that she decided that would be a good way to put up an unassailable excuse to never be intimate with me. Now..on the rare occasions when the kids ARE gone...we still don't make love. When we have its always my idea. And its like she just wants to get it over with...to just **** and be done with it as quickly as possible..."before the kids get home". I feel invisible...unnecessary. She appears to need me in every other way except as a man. I cook...I clean...I get everyone up and out the door in the morning...I support anything she wants to do. And I feel totally irrelevant. Like I could be replaced tomorrow with maid or butler or a nanny and she would get every thing from those people that she needs to get from me. I don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart. I asked her to marry me 2 years ago...she said yes and I was so happy. Now...I don't know how I can be married to someone who can't stand to touch me.

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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 656 • Replies: 21

[+3] - jespah - 10/25/2017Take a vacation. You two only. The kids are old enough to spend time with a friend or their bio father if he's in the picture. And don't just make love. Talk while you're away.

@MRK-MRK,

Take a vacation. You two only. The kids are old enough to spend time with a friend or their bio father if he's in the picture.

And don't just make love. Talk while you're away.

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Yes. You need to take her away for a long weekend.
I wonder why you haven't thought of this before.

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I did..and I have. We managed a great little 3 day getaway to Jamaica about 5 months ago. And I'll be honest...it was lovely. We had fun...we made love...she said she felt closer to me than she had in a long time...and then a couple of weeks after we got back, things went right back to where they were. And thats kind of beside the point anyway. I don't want to have to take my wife on a vacation everytime I want to make love to her. The real issue is she seems to have no desire and no need for me. Taking a vacation isn't going to fix that.

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@MRK-MRK,

Do you have weekly date nights? dates on the weekends? times the two of you get the chores done and get out of the house together?

Her reaction while on vacation suggests that time away from the regular stresses/demands made a big difference.

You may not be able to get out of country regularly but surely you can find a way to make life at home more pleasant. Be creative/innovative.

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@MRK-MRK,

MRK-MRK wrote:

And I'll be honest...it was lovely. We had fun...we made love...she said she felt closer to me than she had in a long time

The real issue is she seems to have no desire and no need for me.

the real issue is that there was desire while you were on vacation and then the reality of life at home bogged her down again

find a way to replicate the mood/feeling while you're at home

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@MRK-MRK,

MRK-MRK wrote:

...because the kids are always there (they are 16 and 12)

do they not have friends they can overnight at?

does neither of you have extended family that could take them for a day/weekend?

does neither of you have friends who would care for them for an afternoon/evening - be honest with your friends - tell them you're desperate for non-kid time.

bring in an overnight babysitter and go out to dinner and a night at a hotel

send the kids to a weekend science camp (or something similar)

__

really, the kids may be there all the time but they are old enough for you and your partner to go out for dinner/movie/dancing etc while the kids are at home

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@ehBeth,

Initially...after she set this rule in place, we took advantage of all the things you list here. Now...it doesn't really matter if they are here or not. Sex is never an option unless I ask. She never brings it up first...never suggests thats something we should o. She never uses the term "make love". she says "have sex" or "do the nasty"...or anything other than "make love". And if I act at all as though Im disappointed we didn't take advantage of time...im weak...im a a whiny little bitch...Im needy...im even less attractive to her than I was before. I feel like I can't win and I can't talk about it.

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@MRK-MRK,

MRK-MRK wrote:

I don't know how I can be married to someone who can't stand to touch me.

is that how it seemed when you were on vacation?

if not, arrange for counselling and let her know that the future of the relationship depends on her actively participating in it with you

definitely go for any couples counselling offered by your local churches (Catholic if possible - I'm not Catholic but I'm a big fan of their pre-marital counselling and ongoing couples mentorship) before you proceed with any discussion of marriage

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MRK
You seem to rebuke every idea given here.

Insist in a physical for her.

Besides that, are you looking for justification for an outside affair?

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Im not going to insist on anything. Im her partner, not her father. We have been to counseling, but not together. She had an incredibly negative experience with couples counseling with her first husband and she still carries that anger around with her. Shed rather stick a needle in her eye than go to couples counseling. I've seen a couple of different people over multiple occasions. She went and talked to someone as well. She has had a physical and talked to her GYN-shes completely healthy...she is self aware enough to admit she has "intimacy problems". She says that those same issues contributed greatly to the end of her first marriage. I don't want an affair. I don't want anyone but her....thats not the issue. What I want is advice on a way to talk to her about this that doesn't come off as me blaming her or making her feel guilty or bad about herself...she feels bad enough as it is. I want us to be able to face this as a couple but she HATES talking about it. She HATES talking about sex/intimacy/lovemaking...whatever you want to call it.

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@ehBeth,

...and these are all great ideas Beth but there are stupid practicalities that don't make it quite so simple. We live in place where friends and family are not close by. We have pets...so anytime we go someplace, care has to be arranged for them as well. We don't have a lot of money so paying for child/pet care is tough. And honestly, shes a teacher so...she's pretty much always exhausted and stressed out, which Im sure has SO MUCH TO DO WITH THE OVERALL ISSUE. I get that and Im sympathetic to it. I do everything I can to make her at home time as relaxing as possible. Again...I don't want to stress her out...I don't want her to think its her fault...I don't want her to think she's any less of a women...I just need to know how to talk to her about it.

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She HAS talked about it. She does not WANT to talk about it.

If a physical reason has been ruled out, then she has a really low libido or she is just not into you now. (was she ever?)

OR

your "high sex drive" is out of whack for her.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

let's try this question again

the answer might clarify a few things

ehBeth wrote:

MRK-MRK wrote:
I don't know how I can be married to someone who can't stand to touch me.

is that how it seemed when you were on vacation?

1 Reply

@MRK-MRK,

MRK-MRK wrote:

We have pets...so anytime we go someplace, care has to be arranged for them as well. We don't have a lot of money so paying for child/pet care is tough.

her children are 16 and 12

they are old enough to care for the pets if you go out for an evening

they are old enough to stay home alone for an evening while you have a date - which could be as simple as a walk alone or going for a coffee or a wine/beer for a couple of hours

if your girlfriend is concerned about the children being alone for a couple of hours, you can let her know that you will call them to check in with them - set it up so she is not responsible for them during those hours away

__

where were the children while you had your mini-vacation?

do the children have any friends at school?

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@MRK-MRK,

Does the family have a chores schedule?

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Going out for a date night, or for a walk or for alone time isn't the problem.
We do these things a lot. We talk...we hold hands...the kids are fine at home for a few hours on their own. Its like we are two very good friends. And thats wonderful...it really is...I just need more. I or I feel like I need more. Kissing...beyond an obligatory peck for hello and goodbye...touching thats more than just holding hands...flirting. I miss flirting so much. Thats why this is so frustrating. Im not saying I don't get enough sex. Im saying I don't get enough intimacy...a sense that my woman needs me as a man...as her man. Caresses..flirting...cuddling and kisses...these are the thing I miss. These are the things I feel guilty for needing in such an acute way...in a way she apparently doesn't have. How can I possibly blame her for that? Maybe that makes her better than me...more evolved...stronger.

Maybe what I need is someone to say just shut the **** up. Stop being a whiny little bitch and be happy with what you've got...a beautiful, smart, talented woman who is a doting mother and outstanding human. Id be an idiot to let that go.

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@ehBeth,

...and to answer your question Beth...the kids where with family during that mini vacation. that is an option...sometimes...just not very often.
And yes...they are more than old enough to be at home, alone (responsibly) and to take care of the pets...for a few hours. But not overnight....not for a long weekend. We are not leaving 16 and 12 yr old boys home alone any longer than we need to.

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@ehBeth,

...and to answer this question...no...that was not how it seemed. She was loving and attentive. We had a wonderful time.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Punkey...to answer your question...she has said on more than one occasion that she if very aware that her libido is low...that if there were a female version of Viagra she'd be all over it. And Im fully aware that my sex drive is much stronger than hers...thats always been obvious. My real issue is not the frequency of sex...but a lack of intimacy outside of the physical act itself. But beyond simply "wishing" there was a female viagra...im frustrated that she isn't actively doing more to address what she herself recognizes as a problem. I can't help but feel ....and I know how selfish and self righteous it sounds...that if the situation were reversed...I'd be busting my ass to do everything I could to get myself to aplace where I was able to give the woman I love everything she needs...mentally..spiritually and physically.

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