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Mon 14 Aug, 2017 03:53 am
Please help!
I have several questions about the following sentences (which are about surviving crocodile attacks):
Her story, including the canoe she was paddling, has been preserved in a collection at the National Museum of Australia. Darwin kite surfer, Chris Keating's tale is an eerily similar account of a fight for survival revealing his true place in the food chain.
- How should commas go around 'Chris Keating's'
- When I speak it, 'fight for survival, revealing his' a slight pause between survival and revealing seems to help its clarity, but a comma looked excessive. I could change it to 'fight for survival that revealed' but it doesn't seem as natural when I speak it.
- Because I've written as if speaking does it just make the sentences seem too jumpy in general? How could I put this better?
@diyaba,
I would write "Darwin kite surfer Chris Keating's tale is an eerily similar account of a fight for survival." ( Though the other ending may be true, personally I think it distracts attention from the fight and diminishes his survival.)
You could also write " Darwin kite surfer, Chris Keating, told of an eerily similar account...."
@diyaba,
Quote:- How should commas go around 'Chris Keating's'
One goes after 'tale'
Quote:... a slight pause between survival and revealing... a comma looked excessive.
Yes, Diya, right you are
Quote:does it just make the sentences seem too jumpy
No Yaba, notatall
Quote:How could I put this better?
Heck guy [gal ?], I don't think you could, you write good
@dalehileman,
Re: comma after "tale". I think possibly but not necessarily. We should wait for Centrox on that one.
@Ponderer,
Yea Pon but I'd argue it's absolutely unequivocally necessary to infinity
Darwin kite surfer, Chris Keating's tale is an eerily similar account
Midwest drinking companion, John Nattleng's tale is eerily similar, doncha think...
@diyaba,
diyaba wrote:
Her story, including the canoe she was paddling,
the physical canoe is not part of the written story - that only happens in pop-up books
__
I think you've got a fair bit of editing to do in the sample you've provided.
@dalehileman,
Is that about a bar fight?
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