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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The Banks Of Newfoundland

On St. Patrick's Day, the seventeenth, from New York we set sail
Kind fortune did favour us wi' a sweet and a pleasant gale
We bore away from Americay, the wind bein' off the land
And wi' courage brave we ploughed the wave bound down for Newfoundland

Our Captain's name was Nelson just twenty years of age
As true and brave a sailor lad as ever ploughed the wave
The Eveline our brig was called belonging to McLean
And wi' courage brave we ploughed the wave bound down for Newfoundland

When three days out to our surprise our Captain he fell sick
He shortly was not able to take his turn on deck
The fever raged which made us think that death was near at hand
So we bore away from Halifax bound down for Newfoundland

At three o'clock we sighted a light that we were glad to see
The small-pox bein' ragin', that's what it proved to be
At four o'clock in the afternoon, as sure as God's command
He passed away in Arichat bound down for Newfoundland

All that night long we did lament for our departed friend
And we were prayin' unto God for what had been his end
We prayed that God would guide us and keep us by his hand
And send us fair wind while at sea bound down for Newfoundland

Oh, my gawd, listeners, and Bob can continue; that's savoir faire. :wink:

And speaking of which:

Ex-Teacher Takes Hostages at French School 13 minutes ago



LE MANS, France - A former teacher armed with a gun Thursday took about 20 hostages, including students, in a high school classroom, police said.



The hostages were seized at the Colbert de Torcy High School in Sable-sur-Sarthe, near the western town of Le Mans.

Watch for continuing coverage, listeners.

Missed you again, George. Great sea song, oh, furry one. Here's a question for you.

What's the difference between a newfoundland dog and a st. bernard, and which was the one that carried a little keg of brandy around its neck?

Good day to all.

Letty, the dog in your picture looks just like my friend's dog which is a Bouvier des Flandres. (Dog of Flanders)

As to the difference between a Newfoundland and St. Bernard, I'll wait for George to answer that one.

My choice for celebrity picture of the day is the very talented actor, Raul Julia:

Hey, Raggedy. Wow! there's a big difference between the two, PA.

Raul Julia died of AIDS, I think, and the last picture in which I saw him was Kiss of the Spider Woman. I believe that was the name of the movie. Well, listeners. I must do some shopping for paint. Sounds exciting, no?

Have a sip from this:

he newfoundland dog is w********f I believe.

in the meantime ------- one for the femail f the speezies,,,,

What can you do while driving?


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4788910.stm

A woman has been fined after being caught on camera applying make-up while driving. So what can you do while at the wheel?

With a compact mirror in one hand and an eye liner in the other, Donna Maddock applied her make-up. But this wasn't in her bedroom, the 22-year-old was driving at 32mph at the time.

cont ---- http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4788910.stm

Hands Off The Wheel Lyrics


Don't, don't it make you sad
To lose the things you love
For what you never had?

Don't, don't it make you cry
To feel the broken tie
And always wonder why?

Don't it make you feel
Like your hands are off the wheel?
Like your hands are off the wheel
Don't it tear you down?
Don't it your world around?
Don't it love to let you down?

Don't, don't it make your day
To gather up your strength
And feel it slippin' away?

How, how much can you take
Before you fall apart
Before you start to break?

Close your eyes it's only
No surprise you're not alone

Don't it make you sad
To lose the ones you love?

Don't it make you feel
Like it's tearing you down?

Like your hands are off the wheel

John, I am assuming all those asterisks were expletives, but for the life of me, I can't figure out why. As for the woman and her make up foolishness, you ought to see the bikers down here. You would pray for a woman driver to slow things down.

Try, that sounds like a down song. Hope it isn't you, honey.

Hello there, dys. Another bad boy song I see, but there ain't no baddies in Tennessee. <smile>

I could have played this one for George, but I'm glad that I didn't:

Rolling Stones:

Wading through the waste stormy winter
And there's not a friend to help you through
Trying to stop the waves behind your eyeballs
Drop your reds drop your greens and blues

Thank you for your wine, california
Thank you for your sweet and bitter fruits
Yes, I've got the desert in my toenail
And hid the speed inside my shoe

But come on come on down sweet virginia
Come on honey child I beg of you

Come on come on down you got it in you
Got to scrape that s**t right off your shoes.

er, I don't get that one.

no the asterisks aren't expletives

Hope it isn't you, honey."

No way Miss Letty, it was a reply to the news; No hands on the wheel.

Artist: The Kinks Lyrics
Song: Everybody's Gonna Be Happy Lyrics

And I know, and I know,
And I know that ev'rybody,
And I know that ev'rybody be happy,
As happy as you and me.
'Cause I know, I know.

Come on baby let me tell you
All the things I wanna say
Come on baby let me tell you
All the things I wanna say, and

Ev'rybody's gonna be happy,
Which means you and me.
Ev'rybody's gonna be happy,
Which means you and me.

And I know, and I know,
And when I see ya walking down the street
Well it makes me happy to see you walkin'
It makes my life complete
'Cause I know, I know.

Come on baby let me tell you
All the things I wanna say
Come on baby let me tell you
All the things I wanna say, and

Ev'rybody's gonna be happy,
Which means you and me.
Ev'rybody's gonna be happy,
Which means you and me.


And I know, and I know,
And I know, and I know,
And I know...

the answer re: the 2 dogs is * -----w********f. the st bernard is in part a mountain dog,,,, the newfoundland is at sea level

Well, Thanks, John, for clearing that up. I realize the dog of Flanders must be Belgium in origin, but at that point, I am stumped. Still don't understand your asterisks, however.

Hey, Try, now that song is more like I would like you to be, buddy. <smile>

I noticed today on the news that the people who grade SAT's are goofing up, listeners, and there is some flak over the FCAT'S. That doesn't work either.

How about a Beatle's song about working it out:

The Beatles

Try to see it my way,
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?
While you see it your way,
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.
Think of what you're saying.
You can get it wrong and still you think that it's alright.
Think of what I'm saying,
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.
Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again.
Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.
Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again.
Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.

waterproof

Boy, you're going to carry that weight,
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you're going to carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time

I never give you my pillow
I only send you my invitations
And in the middle of the celebrations
I break down

Boy, you're going to carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you're going to carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time

Paul McCartney

Frank Sinatra - Winners Lyrics
Writer: Raposo

Here's to the winners, lift up the glasses
Here's to the glory still to be
Here's to the battle, whatever it's for
To ask the best of ourselves then give much more
Here's to the heroes, those who move mountains
Here's to the mountains they make us see
Here's to all the world, here's to all the people
Here's to the winners all of us can be.