Andy Borowitz

Only a matter of time now before Trump fires Frederick Douglass.

Andy Borowitz

Trump called the numerical system "very bad and unfair" and noted that it was invented by Arabs.

I love Andy.

Borowitz for President..

Please.

Meantime, I have speant a lot of time.

Sorry if I'm awkward. My computer is is proximal flames. I get to see imac twirlies a lot; I'd guess 50 times today.

I havent followed him at all so Im happily going to enjoy reading some , hopefully, new views. We are so overloaded with stale stuff. Even Colbert is getting old and strident.

April 30, 2017
Pence Really Thought He’d Be President by Now
By Andy Borowitz

“It feels like I've come close to getting in there ten or twelve times,” Pence said. “But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an interview with NBC’s Lester Holt, Donald Trump boasted that, if he is impeached, the television ratings will be higher than those of any other impeachment in history.

“Everywhere I go, people tell me that if I am impeached, they’re going to watch it,” he said. “The ratings are going to be through the roof.”

He said that he expected his impeachment ratings to be “many, many times” the size of the audience for Bill Clinton’s impeachment, in 1998.

“It’s not even going to be close,” Trump said. “The ratings for Bill Clinton’s impeachment were a joke.”

Asked about the recent impeachment of the former South Korean President Park Geun-hye, Trump said, “Did anyone even watch that one? That was Korea. Nobody cares.”

As for the impeachment of Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff, he said, “I didn’t hear about that one. I don’t follow Brazil. I like Argentina. I saw ‘Evita’ many, many times. Andrew Lloyd Webber did a great job. Millions and millions of people loved it. But that was a Broadway show, not an impeachment.”

Even though he anticipates “just terrific” ratings for his impeachment, Trump said that he did not expect the media to provide an honest accounting of his audience size.

“They’re going to lie and say that a lot of people who watched my impeachment didn’t watch, and that’s going to be very bad and unfair, but it’s not going to change the fact that my impeachment will be a great impeachment, a really beautiful impeachment,” he said.


Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.

Borrow what?

Good stuff, EB . . . thanks.

I'll repeat, Borowitz for president. I've read him for years. I know being president is not his aim, so that would work out perfectly.

Andy Borowitz
US Could Save Time, Money by Impeaching Pence at Same Time

#dontforgetpaulryan

Andy Borowitz That would save so much money, we can't afford not to impeach him also.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “medical mystery of the first order,” scientists are baffled by the ability of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan to stand upright without the benefit of spines.

Doctors at the University of Minnesota Medical School, who have been studying the skeletal structures of both Republicans for months, believe that their ability to stand, walk, and even break into a brisk trot when confronted by reporters’ questions is “virtually inexplicable.”

“The fact that they can do these things without the aid of spines makes McConnell and Ryan anomalies in the animal kingdom,” said Dr. Davis Logsdon. “According to everything medical science teaches us, their bodies should be collapsing to the ground in two heaps.”

As the Minnesota scientists have struggled to solve the medical conundrum presented by the two invertebrate leaders, one theory that has gained traction is what Logsdon calls “the startled-deer hypothesis.”

“Just as a deer freezes in the headlights of a car and briefly appears statue-like, we believe that Ryan and McConnell’s bodies may retain their rigid structure out of terror alone,” he said. “In other words, fear is performing the function that a spine performs in other people.”

Calling it “just a theory,” Logsdon said that the anatomies of McConnell and Ryan require further study, and that there was growing public support for both men to be dissected.

Andy Borowitz

Paul Ryan Sets Google News Alert for Moment When Trump is Unpopular Enough to Betray

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Three men alleged to be prominent Russian spies inexplicably gained access to the Oval Office last week and held a high-level meeting there, according to reports.

Eyewitnesses to the meeting said that the three Russian agents spoke at length and shared sensitive intelligence material, at times laughing uproariously.

After approximately an hour, the meeting broke up, with two of the spies leaving the Oval Office and the third remaining behind.

News that agents of the Russian Federation had somehow eluded the Secret Service in order to hold a meeting in the Oval Office sent shock waves through Washington on Monday evening.

“The fact that three well-known Russian agents were able to hold a meeting in the Oval Office suggests that something has seriously broken down,” Harland Dorrinson, a national-security official who served in the Reagan and Bush Administrations, said. “None of these three men should be anywhere near the White House.”

On Capitol Hill, House Speaker Paul Ryan called the meeting of the three Russian spies at the White House “a tempest in a teapot” and “much ado about nothing,” before adding, off-microphone, “I am screwed. I am so screwed.”

LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.

Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”

“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said.

The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”

Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”

Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”

He's so good....

Andy Borowitz

Once Trump lands in Saudi Arabia, I will announce my support for a travel ban on all people who have recently visited a Muslim country.