Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Speaker Paul Ryan has set a Google News alert to notify him of the instant that Donald Trump becomes unpopular enough to turn against, Ryan revealed on Thursday.

The news alert, which Ryan said was set to the phrase “Trump approval rating falls below fifty per cent among Republican voters,” will inform the House Speaker of the precise moment “that I can bail on President Trump at no political cost to me,” Ryan explained.

“There’s this sense out there in the media that Washington is consumed by drama and nothing is getting done,” Ryan told reporters. “I think it’s important for people to know that important things are, in fact, getting done, and setting this Google News alert is one of those things.”

Asked by a reporter when he anticipated turning on Trump, Ryan dismissed that as a hypothetical question, adding, “There is no timetable for my inevitable betrayal of him. Once I receive that Google News alert, it will most likely happen a split second after that.”

Ryan ended his press conference by reassuring the American people that he is hard at work for them. “I am checking my phone every ten—and sometimes every five—minutes,” he said.

Andy Borowitz

Trump: Obama Avoided Having Special Prosecutor Through Devious Tactic of Not Breaking Law

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin is “starting to get concerned” that the puppets he installed in the executive branch of the U.S. government “might not be up to the task at hand,” sources confirmed on Tuesday.

According to the sources, the flameout of the national-security adviser Michael Flynn was only the most recent event that has caused Putin to wonder if the figureheads he propelled into office are “just too dim-witted” to serve the goals of the Russian Federation.

“When you choose a puppet, you’re looking for a sweet spot,” one source close to Putin said. “You want to choose someone who’s dumb enough to be manipulated, but not so dumb that he can’t find the light switches.”

“Increasingly, it looks like we missed that sweet spot,” the source said.

Putin is reportedly willing to have a “wait and see” attitude with his current puppets, but, if things do not improve markedly, he will not hesitate to “make some changes,” the source said.

“President Putin knew that this bunch didn’t have a lot of experience in government and that there were bound to be some growing pains,” the source said. “But, geez.”

LEAKED TEXT OF TRUMP'S SPEECH ON ISLAM:
"In Islam you get 72 virgins. Well, I have had many, many more virgins than that, ok? Millions of virgins. So I'm not impressed by Islam, ok?"

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As America’s bridges, roads, and other infrastructure dangerously deteriorate from decades of neglect, there is a mounting sense of urgency that it is time to build a giant wall.

Across the U.S., whose rail system is a rickety antique plagued by deadly accidents, Americans are increasingly recognizing that building a wall with Mexico, and possibly another one with Canada, should be the country’s top priority.

Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a Washington-based think tank called the Center for Responsible Immigration, believes that most Americans favor the building of border walls over extravagant pet projects like structurally sound freeway overpasses.

“The estimated cost of a border wall with Mexico is five billion dollars,” he said. “We could easily blow the same amount of money on infrastructure repairs and have nothing to show for it but functioning highways.”

Congress has dragged its feet on infrastructure spending in recent years, but Dorrinson senses growing support in Washington for building a giant border wall. “Even if for some reason we don’t get the Mexicans to pay for it, five billion is a steal,” he said.

While some think that America’s declining infrastructure is a national-security threat, Dorrinson strongly disagrees. “If immigrants somehow get over the wall, the condition of our bridges and roads will keep them from getting very far,” he said.

Andy Borowitz
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GOP Freedom Caucus Furious That Only 23 Million People Will Lose Insurance

Only the 23 million that didn't want it though. Please stop posting that number like it's a sacred cow.

That's the latest figure by neutral sources. It includes pre existing conditions, us old fuckers and quite a few more. Pre exising condition rates rising by 800% if I recall close enough. You're telling me they could pay that if they really want to? Put lipstick on that pig and kiss it.

Right Edgar, almost everyone of the 23 Million would welcome serious illness as long it doesn't inconvenience the wealthiest. The unimportant don't want no steenkin polio prevention, the government will get those iron lungs out of mothballs. Oh yeah, and build a wall too.

800%...wow... that IS a scary number... So, like if you now pay $10, and in 10 years you have to pay $80, that 800% will really make a huge difference.

name somebody with a serious illness that pays ten dollars for good insurance.

Someone that has a job (those people do exist you know) and has an illness and pays a $10 co-pay because their employer made sure that the individual and the rest of the people working there had health insurance.

Someone on Medicaid that has never paid a cent for healthcare now has to pay some.

Bobby Gonzalez in San Diego has cancer and he pays $9.99 for good insurance.

But, I'm glad to that the point didn't sail right over your head. You and the left love to use scary numbers to inflate things and make them seem scary. It's something someone with any brains would see right through.

Somebody is paying more than ten dollars for those people to pay those copays. You are assuming that everybody can have a job that pays insurance. Many jobs offer no help with insurance. The 34 million people with insurance today do not want to lose it, but I am sure you will characterize them as lazy bums or through choice being suddenly uninsured.

Ok, take a second and breath... the $10 was an example of how using huge number like 800% are completely useless. There are used to scare people into agreeing with the opinion being given. Most poor and old people do not pay for health insurance. They pay $0. What is 800% of zero dollars Ed? Even if it is $1000. That is only $8000 in ten years. That is what a lot of people pay now for Obamacare.

Please stop focusing on the minutiae and look at the point of what I am saying. The CBO keeps saying 23 or 24 million people will "Lose" their health insurance. These are people that were FORCED to buy insurance under the ACA and did not want to have insurance. You cannot "lose" something you don't want. If you take a tick off a hound, is that hound losing a tick?

Why would insurance companies be ok with losing 34 million customers? Is that really a good business model for keeping your company afloat? Do you not believe that insurance companies will offer plans for everyone?

Remember when Obama said "You like your plan? You can keep your plan!"? No one is saying that now. But, no one is taking anyone's Health insurance from them. I have "pre-existing" conditions. If I lose my healthcare plan and have to switch to another with a huge gap between, I fully expect to be required to pay more than someone that doesn't.

You are trying to make it look like people don't want health care. It's easier to sooth the conscience I suppose. The only people that don't want a good health care system are the ones already so well fixed they don't need to worry about it.

Some actually don't want to pay for health insurance. Do you see how that is different than " people don't want health care."

Neither the ACA or the new AHCA had much to actually do with "Health Care" but merely how it is paid for. Obamacare didn't add any doctor's, it didn't open and cancer centers, it didn't hire any nurses or open any free clinics. Neither does the AHCA. All it does is try to make the awesome Health Care we have in America more affordable.

You want to improve health care? Tell the AMA and American Hospital Association & Federation of American Hospitals, who came out against the AHCA, to lower costs of their services and hospital stays where people can pay cash and get rid of the health insurance game all together. If they actually cared, they could do that.

They won't do that though, will they?

In one extreme example, people with metastatic cancer could face a premium surcharge of 3,500 percent – an extra $142,650 per year for coverage on top of regular premiums and undoubtedly high medical bills.

But edgar, the important thing is that they have ACCESS to buy that healthcare. They cannot be denied, not matter what the liars in the MSM will tell you.

Can. Not. Be. Denied.

Similarly, no one is denied to buy a 1.5 million dollar Ferrari. You, we, all can have as many Ferrari's as we want!!!!! Ferrari's for everyone.

In Borowitz Report: The report indicates that the Republican health-care bill’s vision-care option does not offer replacement eyewear in the case of glasses being smashed or otherwise demolished in an unprovoked body-slamming incident.