Andy Borowitz

A ten dollar co-pay ? ! ? ! ?

Ah-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Yeah, maybe on your prescriptions.

What a crock.

Andy Borowitz
1 hr ·
Usually I'm against nepotism but I would support Jared Kushner going to the same prison as his father: http://bit.ly/2peJh0W

I wonder if Mc g gits sick is he going to crawl into the corner and die like a good older person should or will he run for the ER as quick as his legs can carry him?

And you guys think Borowitz is funny.

Aren't you the guy, one of the guys anyway, who whine about people being off topic when it suits your fancy, McGentrix?

Greg Gianforte is an unusually precocious Republican in that he got arrested even before he went to Congress.

Andy Borowitz
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So I guess the plan is for rich people to get super-healthy and their health will trickle down on all the millions of uninsured people.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell unveiled his party’s long-awaited plan on immigration on Wednesday, telling reporters, “We must make America somewhere no one wants to live.”
Appearing with House Speaker John Boehner, McConnell said that, in contrast to President Obama’s “Band-Aid fixes,” the Republican plan would address “the root cause of immigration, which is that the United States is, for the most part, habitable.”
“For years, immigrants have looked to America as a place where their standard of living was bound to improve,” McConnell said. “We’re going to change that.”
Boehner said that the Republicans’ plan would reduce or eliminate “immigration magnets,” such as the social safety net, public education, clean air, and drinkable water.
The Speaker added that the plan would also include the repeal of Obamacare, calling healthcare “catnip for immigrants.”
Attempting, perhaps, to tamp down excitement about the plan, McConnell warned that turning America into a dystopian hellhole that repels immigrants “won’t happen overnight.”
“Our crumbling infrastructure and soaring gun violence are a good start, but much work still needs to be done,” he said. “When Americans start leaving the country, we’ll know that we’re on the right track.”
In closing, the two congressional leaders expressed pride in the immigration plan, noting that Republicans had been working to make it possible for the past thirty years.

Andy Borowitz
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I know that many of you would be satisfied with Trump being removed from office, but I'm holding out for Nuremberg-style trials for Ryan, McConnell, Pence and all the other Republicans who are enabling this flagrantly disturbed menace.

Where has Andy been for the last 75 years?

Andy Borowitz
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I worry that the North Korean crisis will distract Trump from the threat of Joe and Mika.

Betsy DeVos Says She Did Math on Trump’s Tax Plan and It Will Save Nation Eleventy Krillion

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a ringing endorsement from the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that she did the math on Donald Trump’s tax plan and that she estimates it will save the United States roughly eleventy krillion dollars.
“I took out a pencil and paper and figured it out the old-fashioned way,” DeVos told reporters. “I wound up going through a lot of paper, because eleventy krillion has ten hundredteen zeroes.”
DeVos stressed that the eleventy-krillion figure was actually a conservative estimate. “The exact number was between eleventy and ninety-quelve, but I rounded down to eleventy,” she said.
The Education Secretary said that the national debt, which currently stands at more than twenty trillion dollars, would be greatly reduced by the eleventy-krillion-dollar windfall.
“If you subtract eleventy krillion from twenty trillion, you get a number so small it has no name,” she explained.

Andy Borowitz
1 hr ·
Tax Bill Allows Koch Brothers to Claim Republican Congressmen as Dependents

wait a minit. Doesnt the dependent staus end at age 26?? Whats the constitution say about minimum age requirements for Congressborgs.

The thing is, there are facts and then there are alternative facts.

Andy Borowitz
1 hr ·
Under Pressure from Fox News, Obama to Stop Making Stocks Plummet

The New Yorker
1 hr ·
The Borowitz Report: A visibly chastened Barack Obama said that, at first, he thought that he had gotten away with making the stock market crash, but when he saw Sean Hannity blame him on Fox, “I knew I had been busted.”

Andy Borowitz

To those who say we can never get rid of assault rifles, there was a time in our country when people said we could never get rid of slavery. As I say this, I recognize that some people who want to keep their assault rifles are still bummed that we got rid of slavery.

Andy Borowitz
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IF I MAY BE SERIOUS: Trump’s hiring of John Bolton may be filling you with panic and a sense of powerlessness. What can you do?

A lot. It’s 2018. Replace this GOP Congress with one who will IMPEACH THIS ******.

Andy Borowitz
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Tariffs Hit Trump Supporters as Cost of Tin Foil Hats Soars