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Please Help SOS!!! Undecided on this problem and unsure how to handle it..

 
 
Reply Tue 14 Mar, 2017 01:00 am
Hello everyone, I am needing some advice...My man has 2 baby mama's and 4 kids...I am 29yrs old and he is 30 yrs old. Our birthdays are 1 year apart and less than 2 weeks apart from each other. We have been talking since November 2016 and on New Year's Eve/Day We made it official..I need advice on this situation..One of the baby mama's is not bad at all and actually lets us be together in peace..The other is bitter like she wants him to be with her or just be single for her so she can try to come back in his life..She told me that he had sex with her and Idk what to do nor believe.. I believe that he hasn't and trust that he hasn't..Due to the fact she was trying to get him hurt when he split up with her. That's why I believe that he didn't have sex with her..My issue is How to get those thoughts out of my head so we can continue on being happy with our lives..I don't entertain her drama she puts out but when he visits his kids in the city as his kids are not nearby him to visit as much..What should I do to keep myself from becoming accusive and trust him when he's away.. I know they don't be in the same house at night nor in the day he goes elsewhere to meet so his kids can be dropped off with him..The other issue is...When I am ready for kids of my own how do I go about telling him I want to have kids to call my own instead of just being a step mom to his..I know he came with a past and his kids are apart of that past and I do accept his kids and love them each the same..But I don't just want to be a step mom ..I want to be a mother and step mother with a husband. I don't want nor wish to be no man's baby mama..I know my worth and I know his as well.. Although, it's been a short while I love him deeply..The switch clicked on the day he said I want to protect you, love you, comfort you, and be that rock that you need in your life due to all the bad things that happened in your past..I want to spend all my days with you making each day better than the last and show you our new future and your new life of smiles so it can erase all the frowns and tears you ever shedded in your past...I want you to be that woman who is waiting to come out...I need and want you as my wife in the future...That day was today.. Problem is I want kids 2-3 years from now..If God permits me to have them earlier I don't mind as I trust God's judgement He knows better than I do if I am ready for that leap to Motherhood or not yet. Please Help I am kinda torn on the BM situation and what he has told me tonight.. Mostly still in shock that he said that.Any advice would be great..

PS. Please Be kind and reply below with your input on what do you think I should do about the above situation...Oh and sorry about the very long message..Wanted to be as detailed as possible.


Thanks & God Bless

(If you're a couple reading this whose TTC....... Thousands of truckloads of Baby Dust to you
Be Fruitful & Multiply as it is written in the Bible..)


Love & Peace to all!!
 
View best answer, chosen by BeautifulQueenJess87
CoastalRat
  Selected Answer
 
  4  
Reply Tue 14 Mar, 2017 07:10 am
@BeautifulQueenJess87,
If you trust him and he has given you no reason to doubt his faithfulness, then why are you worried about what his ex says? If you know, or believe that she has an agenda, then why listen to her?

All you can do is trust your gut. Since she is the mother of some of his kids, you will have no choice but to have to deal with her. Ignore her and eventually she will see that her words are not having the desired effect and she will stop.
BeautifulQueenJess87
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2017 11:45 am
@CoastalRat,
@CoastalRat: Thanks, I will work on ignoring her the best I can. I do trust him on what he has told me, but I went through something similar to this with a ex and he went to be with his bm. So I kinda have a little doubt in the back of my head.. Although I love him and trust him I just don't trust her to be around him period..I told him I'd feel better if he asked his brother or sister to go with him when he sees his kids so they can pick up his kids if they aren't working and up to it.. I can't go when he leaves out of town due to a car accident I had recently just can't sit upright for a long periods of times just yet. Only thing I would appreciate her doing is allowing him to have peace in his life as well as their kids life I don't want his kids to always see the behavior she putting out in front of them like that, let him see his kids without the drama..I tried to talk to her and see if there is a way to resolve her conflict she has with us and leaving him was not an option I was going to accept but for the sake of his kids I was trying to negotiate a peaceful way where things were understood and is mutual on all sides to co-exist with each other..I just want it to be peaceful where we all act like civilized mature adults. Everything I have tried has failed just about unsure on the last thing just yet. I don't want their kids growing up seeing this and think this is how they should treat others and that it is acceptable. I'm doing this for the sake of his kids, and him as well as her..
Krumple
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2017 12:18 pm
@BeautifulQueenJess87,
Two baby mamas and you want to be the third?

He has four children and you want two more making six kids? Madness. Holidays split three ways.

What if it doesn't work out with him? His track record isn't exactly spotless. What if you have two kids with him and he moves on again?

You are crazy.
BeautifulQueenJess87
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2017 08:10 pm
@Krumple,
@ Krumple: I don't wish nor want to be a baby mama to no man as I stated earlier I want to be a wife not no baby mama I will not accept it. I don't want two just one kid in the future..But 2-3 years from now if we decide to have one at that time but that's up to God. I am not going to judge him because of the number of kids he had way before me that would be kinda shallow of me and that's something I am not going to be. Holidays won't be split three ways. He is starting the process of gaining custody of all his 4 kids. If it doesn't work out with him I will keep my kid and continue with my life and raise my son or daughter.I know that his record isn't quite spotless but I feel that since we are together his past should not be much of a concern as long as he does as he supposed to do for his kids & Be a Father to his kids...That alone shows me he is not a quitter when it comes to his kids he will do anything for them that is one of the reasons I fell for him on a deeper level. I don't mind coming 3rd in his life that's how I want him to be..God 1st because he gave life to everyone and he can also take it away... His Kids & Family are 2nd because that was way before me I won't stand in the way of that he's very family oriented and I'm 3rd... I know where I stand in his life and I wanted a man who has his priorities in line and a great father to his kids if any, know a good woman when he sees one and know how to keep her once he saw she's a keeper..

Plus, He is 30 yrs old soon to be 31. He has two kids each by 2 women/bms.. He was there for both from beforehand in the relationship with her from start all the way through childbirth and beyond that so I know he isn't the type to leave if a baby was made planned or not. He takes care of his responsibilities as a grown man. So who am I to judge him for his past mistakes he made..I made mistakes also nobody's perfect.

I could see your point if he had 4 different baby mamas. But even then that would be his past I would be skeptical about having kids with him until I knew he was ready to settle down and be with me. But I still wouldn't judge him or make a decision based on his track record that was before I even came in the picture.

PS: Some men not all men but just some don't step up and take care of their responsibility as a man and father with the woman he laid down with and made that baby..So he does step up to the plate and take responsibility and be in his children lives.

I hope I answered your questions you asked me and hope I also answered ones that may have been a thought but forgot to put in your reply...Thanks for replying also.
PUNKEY
 
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Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 11:04 am
"he said I want to protect you, love you, comfort you, and be that rock that you need in your life due to all the bad things that happened in your past"

What a line! No doubt he said those same things before to other women.

- and he's seeking custody of his children? Well, then you ARE going to be a step mom. He has a LOT of baggage with him.

Your BF is in complete control about how much his ex controls him and affects you. He could put a stop to it immediately. State what you want him to do, and then see if he can. It's not clear just what you want him to do.

.
ehBeth
 
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Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 11:11 am
@BeautifulQueenJess87,
You are in a very new relationship. You've only been dating a short period of time. Far too soon to be thinking about a future other than USE BIRTH CONTROL.

The man you are dating has ongoing relationships with two other women - they will be in his life forever as will his children. This is not his past. This is the current and future reality of life with this man.

Enjoy dating casually - it is very early days to think about anything other than dating. I understand how the endorphins of the early days of the relationship can make it seem like you can do anything - but - slow down.

Be careful not to get pregnant right now. You are in the very early days of dating someone who has a lot he needs to keep sorted in his life.

At this point it is none of your business how/when he sees his children. You are not in a position to tell him how you want him to arrange things. It has nothing to do with you. His first priority has to be his children - what works best for them is what matters - not what makes you comfortable.
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ehBeth
 
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Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 11:13 am
@BeautifulQueenJess87,
BeautifulQueenJess87 wrote:
If God permits me to have them earlier I don't mind as I trust God's judgement He knows better than I do if I am ready for that leap to Motherhood or not yet.


really.

you are too old to say things like this.

if you are prepared to be a single mother, go for it. Otherwise, double up on that birth control. A regular method for you + condoms each and every time.
ehBeth
 
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Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 11:22 am
@BeautifulQueenJess87,
BeautifulQueenJess87 wrote:
I tried to talk to her and see if there is a way to resolve her conflict she has with us and leaving him was not an option I was going to accept but for the sake of his kids I was trying to negotiate a peaceful way where things were understood and is mutual on all sides to co-exist with each other..I just want it to be peaceful where we all act like civilized mature adults. Everything I have tried has failed


please stay out of this

it is not your place to get into his relationships with other people

you may have good intentions and I'm sure you do - but stay out of it
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 11:24 am
@BeautifulQueenJess87,
BeautifulQueenJess87 wrote:
I don't mind coming 3rd in his life that's how I want him to be


keep this in mind the next time you're tempted to get into a discussion with the women he already has relationships with

they are the mothers of his children and are therefore in line in front of someone he's been dating a few months
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BeautifulQueenJess87
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Mar, 2017 05:00 am
@PUNKEY,
@Punkey: I thought that at first but then something inside of me clicked...I Highly doubt he said it to other women..I was even told he wasn't one to say things he doesn't intend to do in the future.. Even with drinks in his system..Yes, he's wanting custody he had it before but the baby mamas was able to care for them again.. The other baby mama haven't caused any more drama lately..She just pissed off he not going back to her and he only worries about his kids once his younger 2 kids get a little more older like 7-9 he said he's buying them a phone like he has for his older 2 kids.
0 Replies
 
BeautifulQueenJess87
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Mar, 2017 04:40 pm
@ehBeth,
@ ehBeth, How he feels they are just the mother of the kids he has with them. He doesn't care about the mother at all..That's for the guy they choose to be with handle not him...His only concern is his kids...IT IS I REPEAT IT IS NOT THE BABY'S FATHER RESPONSIBILITY NOR HIS OBLIGATION TO CARE FOR A WOMAN HE IS NO LONGER WITH ONLY THING HE SHOULD CONCERN HIS SELF WITH IS HIS KIDS THAT HE HAS AN OBLIGATION TO TAKE CARE OF...He is not caring what she does, who she with, so they should do the same and not worry about what he does and who he has in his life now..
Secondly, I am a believer in God and I also believe whatever ​happens, happens..It was meant to happen for me to see or go thru to humble me or to grow spiritually. You're never to old to know God. I am finding my way back to him...I can't and will not deny God, Jesus nor The Holy Spirit Each one I am working on building a relationship with each day. Since losing my grandma Oct 26th 2015 I kinda strayed off track..But started to came back just a little over half a year ago.. So You are never to old to acknowledge and know God, his son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. They are my guards to fight off the serpent venom as they don't hiss anymore while I am on the path to him. I believe that I was meant to be by his side and he was meant to be beside mines.. You may not understand it but I love him He's like I am in Heaven when we are together.. I don't have no worry no stress just in peace like I am not even on Earth..I never felt this way before and as strong as this feeling is I still am scared of the future what it will bring but with him I can face anything in the world whether good or bad We will be side by side. I'm no longer the same woman I was once before..Just typing this I have tears of joy that is just flooding my eyes.
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