Tue 3 Jan, 2017 01:38 pm
To get the detailed back story on me questioning my sexuality, please see my previous ( as well as only other) post on Able2Know. Basically, I'm an 18 year old female college freshman, and have been going through an insane identity crisis when it comes to my sexuality.
Fast forward to now, when I am home for winter term break (about a month and change), and I had been feeling better. Things with the boyfriend are feeling nice again, and overall, I thought I had settled. Then a few nights ago in the shower, I started thinking about some more stuff, and my gender identity is one thing that came to mind. I began questioning if I could be trans, and it freaked me out a little bit. Keep in mind that this is something that I never thought of until I talked to a member of an LGBT group at my school who happened to be trans and not bi, lesbian, or gay, but while questioning my sexuality, I was so focused on how I was interpreting what was going on around me and what I was being attracted to on the external level, that I don't think I ever addressed anything internally. I thought I had come to the conclusion that I am bi, and I finally felt comfortable, but now that this trans thing has entered my mind, I feel a bit removed from myself again.. Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not sure of what's going on, but here's a little back story and info about me.
First of all, I cannot say that I have ever felt discomfort in my own body other than having a poor self image. That is, while going through puberty I hated my body because I felt chunky and awkward, not because I had developed breasts or hips or had gotten my period. However, I have also never particularly been a girly girl. When I was in elementary school, I liked baseball and played softball, and played outside a lot. My best friend was a boy, but I also had a crush on him. I dressed in girl clothes, but never particularly girly ones. I wore jeans, sneakers, tshirts, sweatshirts, etc., always wore my hair tied back, and I had no real interest in sparkles or dresses or make up unless it was for a dance recital or special occasion. Even then, my mom might have to force me a little bit. I have a specific memory from about third grade (before puberty) when I went into the bathroom and rolled up a large chunk of toilet paper and put it in my underwear for a minute, wondering what it would be like to have a penis, but looking back at this now, I think I'd like to chalk it up to general childhood curiousity. Anyway, the awkwardness with clothes and self expression lasted until about 8th grade, when I finally felt a bit more comfortable with my body and femininity and decided to get some new clothes that showed off my figure and to wear my hair down. I finally felt "good" as myself. I looked back at old pictures and laughed and cringed at myself for being so uncomfortable and awkward. Typical puberty story, huh?
To this day, I'm not particularly "girly," but I sure as hell have come a long way when it comes to the way I dress and do my make up and stuff. I guess this may contribute to my questions, since I have always been pretty "middle of the road." I've always had slight trouble fitting in socially with either gender, but physically, I don't particularly feel as if I am trapped in my body.
Why these thoughts of the possibility of being trans, then? I guess I'm at a point in life where I'm generally unsure of myself, and curiosity is possibly getting the best of me. I'm a very open minded and accepting person when it comes to other people, so if I did end up being anything that's not "typical" or "normal," I wouldn't be offended, which I guess is why it's hard for me to decide what's going on with me or what's best for me.I very much enjoy my boyfriend's company and cuddling with him, hugging him, kissing him, etc. Sex hasn't been the best for us, as I haven't finished ever. I know I'm young and that we haven't been together for long, but I guess in a way it has me subconsciously questioning my validity as a woman. I also took birth control pills for a while, but I came off of them because they gave me depression and overall made me feel so unlike myself. I also have a tendency to be obsessive, so once a thought enters my mind, it's hard for me to let it go or come to a conclusion. I haven't been diagnosed with formal OCD or anxiety, but I believe there is something there, since I have been this way since I was a child. The same thing happened to me when I began questioning my sexuality, but I eventually settled into something that was different from what I had thought before, and also felt better in my own skin. These thoughts of being trans aren't nearly as
strong as what I felt when I was questioning my sexuality,
almost as if they don't come from a place as deep in my soul as the sexuality questions. Perhaps the same thing with the passing/settling will happen with this, but I just wonder how to tell the validity of this regardless of the diminished strength of it in comparison to that of my sexuality questions. I wouldn't say that I particularly want to be a boy, and I definitely think that I relate to better as girls as my friends and such, but I'm just in such a weird place right now that I have no idea why such a thing would come into my mind and start driving me crazy as it has been for the past few days. I guess it's normal for first year college students to go through an identity crisis, am I right? I guess what I'm wondering is if it's possible to question something like this and then conclude that you are comfortable as yourself. I'm not sure if this is something I'd think about if it wasn't valid to my identity, but then again, I've never been particularly normal when it comes to the things that I question and think about. I tend to overthink even the simplest of things.
To make a long story short, I just have no idea and I'm really confused and frightened. I know I have nothing to worry about with my family, as they are very accepting, but still I am truly scared and unsure. Any genuine help would be very appreciated.
Hey Amanda...I'd ask how have ya been but that would be moot.
Why don't you find a girl to experiment with and hopefully that will bring things into focus.
Transgender? Not likely.