Question to men

They are your kids...so don't expect him to support them or you. If he marrys you and can claim dependants that's different.

Yes, it is a good idea to share cost, especially the rent with your partner. My sister went through three boyfriends who moved in with her and never shared the cost. It was not a good situation in the long run. She kicked each one out over this and other smaller reasons, and now lives alone. Her life is almost like a novel. Each of the boy friends died soon after leaving. One killed by a crazy attorney, one got run over by a truck, and the third by heart attack.

I would make it clear he must pay before he moves in. If he has excuses or is otherwise reluctant, I would not live with him.

Thank for your perspective

Thank you for sharing. This is how I feel. Not every man will date a woman with kids, but if you decide to do so, shouldn't you know what this entails.
I never count any pennies with him, and am not material in any way, but this question really struck me to the core

Yes, and he took it back after he saw my reaction. However, makes me wonder whether this is the type of person I want to share my life with.

I should mention that he pays support for his own son. And this was part of his argument , that he covers partially for his son's living, and my kids' father should do the same. I do not ignore this fact, but again just sounds to unromantic to do this kind of math with me. And at the end, we are talking about few hundreds of bucks less or more. Neither of us make a lot of money, but this is not about money for me.

Some responses seem to be missing the issue; which is whether dividing the rent should take the kids into account. I see your boyfriends position in this discussion.

A boyfriend is not automatically responsible for taking care of pre-existing children. This is especially true of the parent of the children is receiving child support from another person. This is a pretty big responsibility you are asking him to take... sharing part of the financial responsibility for children that aren't his.

It isn't fair for you to demand that he financially support your children (that aren't his).

This is a discussion that you need to have as a couple, and it depends a lot on the specifics of your relationship. I think he has a good case that what you are asking for isn't exactly fair.

I am a single man with a daughter. If I were in the same situation, I don't think I would ask for my girlfriend to pay the same rent... since there are three of us, and I am financially responsible for two, it seems like it would be fair to ask her to pay a third of the rent.

If you want to live with a lot of excuses for not contributing, it's your choice. Sounds like a free-loader looking for a sucker.

Ok, I'm a woman, and to be honest, I have no idea what you are really asking.

I think Max said it best when he brought it back around to the fact you seemed to be asking about the rent.

If that's not it, enlighten me.

My understanding is he asked if you thought the 2 of you should be spliting the rent equally, and you said yes, but now you're rethinking it.

It would seem to me if he's offering to pay half the rent, you're getting the better part of the deal.

He's willing to split 50/50 with you, and your kids are taking up a bedroom (assuming they sleep together) or maybe even 2 bedrooms.

Let's say we count your kids as 1 person, assuming they share one bedroom.

If your rent is $1000, each of you pay $500

If you took on paying for the square footage your kids take up, you'd be pay $666, and he'd be paying $333.

Are you getting child support? Then you're already getting money that you'd be spending on the kids. Why wouldn't you be paying for everything for your kids?

If it's more about the meaning to you, and not the money, then you don't have to think about the fact he's paying more than his share of the rent, rather than what would be truly an equitable split.

If you're also spliting utilities and other stuff 50/50, he's also paying more than his share there too.

I'm sure he's going to be doing other things for your kids, both monetary and non-monetary. He doesn't have kids living there that you can reciprocate with, so if you want to talk about "meaning" he's giving affection, parental discipline as the de facto father figure, fixing their bikes, providing social opportunites for them, reminding them to brush their teeth, etc. You're not having to do that for anyone but your own kids, since he has none involved.

As far as I can see, he's putting quite a bit out there.

I don't think you're seeing the forrest for the trees.

Am I missing something here?

He asked you about an even split...you said yes...now you tell us he's supporting his kid but your baby daddy isn't?

And your talking about how unromantic it is?

If I was him I'd not walk but run from this relationship.

Honey chile, get over that one right now.

Romance is great in a relationship, but the proof of a strong partnership lies in being able to look at lifes daily needs and make decisions with a clear head, and not be all starry eyed.

Do you really expect to avoid any normal everyday transactions like this because talking about math and money is yucky?

It's not inappropriate to discuss this, and many other things with the person you're living with. It shows the 2 of your respect each other enough as adults to acknowledge each others intelligence in planning both day to day and future expenditures.

Yes you did misunderstand what I said. His position is NOT to split rent in half, but rather me paying more because of my kids.

Well then, that tells you what to do.

Just reverse what I said.

You can either be all romantic, and get taken advantage. of or stand up for yourself.

He knows you have this tendency to look at life through the rosey hues of love, and whether he admits it or not, he's taking advantage of it.

And I couldn't agree more, it is important to discuss this like this prior to making this type of move. The reason I asked this question here is, I am a realist and I realize people have different opinions and approaches.
If I am a man and I love a woman, I will accept her with everything she's got.
And I am very reasonable and would never expect him to buy clothes for my kids, or pay for anything else ... but yeah, shows me how thing would go in the future if he's thinning I should pay more for extra square footage. Just sad
Thanks for your answers.

Please explain to me why you don't think it is fair for you to pay more because of your kids?

In any logical sense. You should pay more than half of the rent. In any roommate situation you would certainly expect to pay more since your kids be using the apartment and the fact that you have kids probably means you need a larger, more expensive apartment. Sure, this is a relationship... and this is something that you need to work out. But he is not being unreasonable in asking you to pay for your kid's share of the rent.

The idea that a man should support a woman and her children is outdated (or at least it should be). I wonder how the other people responding would change their opinions if the genders were reversed.

I am not saying that you shouldn't talk to him about spitting the rent. There are probably lots of things in your relationship and situation that aren't in your posts. These are issues that need to be worked out respectfully in any relationship. This is often difficult when their are emotions and expectations involved.

I am only suggesting that his point of view is reasonable. And, if you want the relationship to continue then you should respect it. Talk it through and work through the emotions. Maybe there is a compromise.

But your boyfriend is absolutely correct when you look at this logically. You are asking him to pay for your children's share of the rent.

you and your ex need to be responsible for your children. full stop. it's not on anyone else to be responsible for them.

romantic? you think someone else supporting your kids is a romantic move? he's got his own kid to pay for. talk to your children's other parent about support - not your boyfriend.

you definitely should be paying more - you will have more people using utilities as well as having more space than he will.

as it should be