Question to men

The real question is whether you and your boyfriend care enough about the relationship to work this out respectfully even if you end up pay some amount more on the rent (which at least a couple of us here think is reasonable).

If you can't work this out... then you don't have any business moving in together. There will be more things that come up, and if someone isn't important enough to you to compromise, then you shouldn't be together.

I don't think this is really about the rent. It is about whether this person is the person you truly want to be with.

If you break up. I wouldn't fault either one of you. Sometimes relationships just aren't meant to be.

Do I have time to reverse my response?
I didn't think through what I said in my last post.
Yes logically she should be paying more.

Funny, she if had offered to pay half, she wouldn't have had any complaints.

I did say we should pay half.

Sorry, was typing on phone.

I meant if He had offered to pay half, you wouldn't have had a problem. I don't believe this would have been an issue.

Since now I understand what you were saying, why do you think if would be fair for him to pay half the rent, when you are taking up more square footage?

Yes, just as much as I would never "charge" him for groceries I bought or
Dinner I made. This is not roommates type of situation, if two people decide to build a life together , I don't see why this division has to happen.
What if we had a baby in the future , would be be then forced to "recalculate"
Rent expenses and include % of mutual baby square footage occupancy.
It just does not sound right. If I was a man, I would never ask the women I love to pay more for rent.
If this is how things are calculated, then they will always be calculated.
Next thing you know, label stuff in the fridge?
I am very reasonable, I was already prepared to take
On spending more money on groceries.
I am ok hearing everyone's input here , as expected - different people, different opinions. The last thing I am is - a free loader.
I host him for meals in my house now every single day and never asked for anything, because I treat him as my
Family. And I was hoping to get the same treatment in return , and
Not asking me to pay extra couple of hundred bucks for my kids.
As someone said here, obviously many details are not included and hard to be the judge without knowing them. But, if everyone is so
Fond of counting square footage with your loved one, what is the point of building life together. Might as well live apart
To the man who wrote something about genders - I strongly believe gender differences still exist.
And to man who wrote about his daughter - if I dated a man who has a child, and reached a point where I wish to spend my life with this person, I would accept this child as part of my life, and would not be bothered with who
Is taking up more square footage.
Thank you for your responses.

Yes , paying half just like you would when you start your life with someone.
And that means, should something ever happen to one or another , you will know that the other will support and help you to make it through. That's the whole point of partnership. I would never abandon my partner if he needs me , just because I have two kids. To me we are one whole.
Unfortunately, seems like it's only to me

Even married couples put different amounts into a household bank account that covers the bills, depending on their different incomes, or if one person has an additional expense.

No one has said anything about "labeling food in the fridge". Come on.

You haven't officially answered my question of whether, if he offered to pay half the rent, if you'd be ok with that. But your answer is clear in your statement that "If I were a man, I would never as the woman I live to pay more for rent.

So there you have it. Thanks for setting equality for women clear back to the 1950's.

Besides, you're not a man, so you have no say so in what a man would or should do.

Even married couples put different amounts into a bank account that covers the bills, depending on their different incomes, or if one person has an additional expense that is purely his or her business.

Every couple figures out their own way. Don't get into the silliness of asking what if we have a child together. Even if "everyone is so fond of..." doesn't mean you have to do anything like that. But it does have to be mutally agreeable between you and the other person.

At this point, you're not in agreement, so you and he should have a sit down and talk business.

What do you think "building a life together" is all about?

Sure, you can have it all confusing what with "I buy groceries and you pay X% of rent, you pay the phone bill and I pay the electric...Or, you can do what I imagine most couples who work do. That is, you open a joint account and each of you put an agreed up amount in there each month, and all household expenses come out of that.

Anything left over is your own individual money, to spend or save as you wish.

If you're not happy with the conversation you had with him, and the amounts discussed, speak up.

I do have another question. How did you get so far into making the decision of moving in together without talking about any of this?

Yes Elizabeth, you are the only person who would stand by your partner in time of need, and not abandon him or her. No one else supports their partner. We all, married or single are looking out for ourselves, and to hell with anything else. Do you think the people who have responded just fell off the turnip truck?

And keep away from my Noosa yougurt. I bought it for me and you wouldn't appreciate it.

We never got to moving in together. This was one of the first talks about potentially doing that. And yes , if he said we should be paying 50/50 , we would not be having this issue right now.
Splitting costs amongst all the other things is just fine , and how it's supposed to be.
Yes I am aware I am not a man and I do not live in The 1950's , but somehow I believe there is still a difference between a man and a woman.
And besides, I am full time working mom and I am not looking for anyone to support me. But suggesting to me that I should pay more for rent, is just not man like to my taste. Trust me, he would have been treated well and received many things in return from me, but to me this calculation of extra space is just sounding too much like business. I don't need a roommate , I was hoping to have a life partner.

the thing is neither of you is "starting life"

you aren't a young couple without previous lives and responsibilities

you are both coming into a relationship with pre-existing responsibilites - you and your former partner/s are primarily responsible for your children. Your boyfriend and his former partner have primary responsibility for their child.

__

Three people use more resources than one. That's a plain fact. Children continue to incur more expenses as time goes on - sports/hobbies/education/college funds etc. Your new boyfriend has responsibilities for his child in that area. Allowing you to pay less than your fair share of housing/utility costs isn't fair to him or his child.

__

It doesn't seem that the two of you are in the same place in terms of understanding primary responsibilities. This is one of the very rare times where I'd suggest a couple sign up for pre-marital counselling with a Catholic group, regardless of whether or not they are Catholic and whether or not they are planning to marry. I'm not Catholic (or even religious) but I think very highly of their pre-marital courses and the way they make people consider the real factors that make couples stronger or allow them to fail.

What is your children's father contributing to their care?

You didn't answer the most important question.

It doesn't sound like you and he belong together. You have your opinions. In my opinion, you are being unrealistic in expecting a man to split the cost of the rent for your children. But sure, if this is important to you, there are men who would probably do this for you (if they aren't already taken).

If you can't see eye to eye (and you should understand that some reasonable people disagree with you on this). Why not break up with this guy and find someone who meets your expectations?

Well Elizabeth, I go back to my original post in saying that I don't really know what you are asking anyone here.

You've made up your mind that the man is simply responsible for some things, based on the fact you are "different"

Fine, if that works for you, but apparantly it's not working for him, and there isn't going to be any "building a life together" if you two can come to agreeable terms.

I'm guessing you simply wanted to hear others validate your feelings by saying that of course you are right. In fact, you're walked right up to the line of telling all here that we don't know what having a life partner, or romance, or building some life together means. I think you made a very good choice by not crossing that line. If you had, I can't speak for others, but you would have gotten an earful from me.

I've no more to say on this really. I'm not trying to be contrary, although to your young (I assume) eyes I may appear that way. You'll have to make your own way through this, just has we all have, for time immemorial.

This love stuff isn't for sissies Elizabeth. If you're going to let who pays what for rent bother you, you're going to have a long hard road. Thus spaketh the Wise Elder.

I would however, in living like to leave you with these 2 passages from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

On Love

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.



On Marriage

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Another possible aspect of "fairness" is the percentage that each adult can contribute to the total expenses. In my opinion, "fairness" can get very convoluted, since child support payments might be subtracted from the amount that one "can contribute," Or, if one individual can subtract child support, but the other cannot, since children are living with that adult, then it get very convoluted. All in all, there might be no truly equitable solutions, since like love itself, it is a subjective feeling, and some people may just be more of the lover, than the lovee. In my opinion, once adults have historical baggage in a relationship, there are no pat answers.