MINIVANS OF THE GODS

OK, god botherers, let me see if i've go t his straight. There's this magic sky daddy, who created all of this vast cosmos, because "he" is all powerful and all knowing. Yet "he" has nothing better to do than to check-up to see if you're pulling your pud late at night when you think no one is watching. But 'god" is watching, And if he catches you pulling your pud, HE WILL KICK YOUR ASS! "He" has a special relationship with clever monkeys on a dirt-ball orbiting a not particularly prepossessing star in the galactic boondocks of just one of billions of galaxies. (Before we go any further, why is your god a "he?" If there are no other gods, then there are no goddesses, so why does he need a pecker? Is it so he can piss when he drinks too much beer? This sh*t just cracks me up.)

So, if you don't get down on your knees, you pathetic sinner, and grovel before your god at least once every seven days (why seven?), HE"LL KICK YOUR ASS. If he catches you playin' with yourself, HE'LL KICK YOUR ASS. If he finds out your a gay boy, HE'LL KICK YOUR ASS. (Yeah, right, like he wouldn't already know.) If he catches you diddlin' the neighbor's wife, HE'LL KICK YOU ASS. If he catches you eatin' bacon, HE'LL KICK YOUR ASS. Etc., etc. . . .

Why? Because he loves you.

Oh man, this sh*t cracks me up.