Sun 3 Apr, 2016 08:45 pm
This isn't easy for me. I guess being honest never is. Especially about something so personal, but today I am going to force myself to be brutally honest and lay everything out in the open. It took a lot of alcohol to even do this. I am 23 now and I still have no idea who I am sexually. I have never had a “sexual” experience with anyone in my life, and the only real “intimate” experience I have ever had was a kiss with a male friend when I was quite young (7/8 years old) and it was over so quickly I doubt that he would even remember, it was more like a peck than a kiss. This is compounded by the fact that the only people who have ever approached me sexually are gay men. Having said all this I do not find men's body's physically attractive. I often wonder if it would be easier if I did, as I have never gotten on with women on an emotional level.
As far as what I am attracted to I get very confused. Over the years my tastes have gotten stranger and more worrying. I have been viewing porn regularly since I was around 10. At first the porn I watched was fairly normal but over the years my tastes have changed until now my go-to searches are Shemale, Guro and Hardcore BDSM (as well as other things even I don't want to admit to). I don't think I hate women but I certainly cannot deny that some part of me must resent them, otherwise why would I enjoy this content? Yet I also enjoy submissive fantasies, I have daydreams about being choked or raped, often imagining myself as a woman. This also touches on another point. I love dressing up in woman's clothing, especially tights and lingerie, it makes me feel so sexy. I also always represent myself as female avatars in games and online spaces.
All of the things outlined above led me to one inescapable conclusion. There is just something in my brain that is broken. I never had the confidence to interact with girls when I was younger so I just, didn't. Now I am getting into my mid 20's, getting fatter, lazier and more unhappy every day. I have never had a relationship (and don't really see the point of one, I would just have to lie about who I am), Seeing my friends and family having relationships and getting married and I lock all of this away behind a mask. I pretend that I am happy, that I function but I just want it to end. I think about killing myself but I am too much of a coward. I tell myself my family would suffer, but if they knew the real me they would understand they are better off without me. The world would be better off.
I don't even know what I want from this post. Perhaps I just needed someone else to see it. To know that below my calm mask there is just a scared person who doesn't understand. That people aren't always what you think and that even the most together person could be suffering below the surface.
I don't expect your sympathy, or your understanding. I learned long ago that humans don't actually care. Certainly about strangers, and especially on the internet. I just needed to vent and this post has allowed that, feel free to say whatever your going to say...
@CB know,
First of all, I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope you can work this out.
Second, there are many people who are into BDSM and cross-dressing who aren't bad people. You need to learn to accept yourself. I don't see any reason to judge you in your post.
Third, I would highly recommend therapy if you are having this much stress about your identity. A good therapist would be a great, safe way to work through these issues. The basic process of therapy is to work through the things that are bothering you or causing stress and then either learn to accept them, or to find constructive ways to change them. It is a way of being productive.
Fourth, many humans do care. It will be very difficult for anyone to form a meaningful bond with you over the internet. The internet doesn't work that way. Although, you will find some good supportive people on the internet... the best thing is to find people who care about you in real life.
@maxdancona,
Thanks for the reassurance. As i say, i really don't know what i expected from this post but it is good to know that others at least understand. I think a lot of my hang ups come from knowing how my family would react to how I feel (my mother is a die-hard feminist, my brother is super conservative and my father and grandfather are seriously homophobic.) I love them a lot so i don't want to hurt them, or anyone else, but i just cant be myself around anyone.
@CB know,
Wow, that sounds like a difficult family to be a part of. I went through a time of pissing off my family when I was younger. My family got over it after a while.
I am serious about the therapy. It may really help, and you can try it... and there isn't much risk in trying, you can always stop if it isn't working for you. Therapy was helpful for me when I was going through an identity crisis.
There are also quite strong support groups in the LGBTQ community (I am assuming you are in the US). This might be a good place to look for support and a community who understands you. You may find that there are a lot of people who have gone through what you are going through.
@maxdancona,
Thanks for the suggestions. I have never really liked the idea of therapy (as you can probably tell i am not great about trusting/talking to others) but perhaps i should re-think, as for the LGBT community i wouldn't have a clue where to begin (i am from UK and they seem to be less actively vocal here) but perhaps talking to some others who have similar experiences would be a good place for me to start.
@CB know,
I am not trying to pressure you... (let's call it a strong suggestion).
The advantage of a therapist is that it is a professional relationship. It is easier to talk to a therapist than to an intimate relationship. You also don't have the emotional risk talking to a therapist that you have when you are talking to a family member or a friend. Nor do you have any obligation to the therapist. The therapist is there to listen... you can always leave if it isn't helping you, and you don't need to worry about his feelings.
I found this to be very helpful. I got to practice talking about my feelings with the therapist (which is kind of like training wheels I guess). This was helpful to me in future friendships. I had one big issue that I was worried that friends wouldn't accept, and it was a barrier in some friendships. Talking through this issue with the therapist was very helpful in working through this.
I used my therapist as an unbiased sounding block. He listened to my thought process and then asked me questions about he parts that may have sounded either unproductive or illogical.
Take this advice as you will. I hope I am not crossing a line.
@maxdancona,
Don't worry, its interesting to hear the experience of someone who has been through therapy. Certainly what i am doing at the moment isn't working for me and if therapy can help it may be worth considering. I am not entirely sure exactly how it can help, short of changing my situation or how i think on a fundamental level but I should perhaps give it a try before I disregard it as an option.
@CB know,
Quote:As far as what I am attracted to I get very confused. Over the years my tastes have gotten stranger and more worrying. I have been viewing porn regularly since I was around 10. At first the porn I watched was fairly normal but over the years my tastes have changed until now my go-to searches are Shemale, Guro and Hardcore BDSM (as well as other things even I don't want to admit to). I don't think I hate women but I certainly cannot deny that some part of me must resent them, otherwise why would I enjoy this content? Yet I also enjoy submissive fantasies, I have daydreams about being choked or raped, often imagining myself as a woman. This also touches on another point. I love dressing up in woman's clothing, especially tights and lingerie, it makes me feel so sexy. I also always represent myself as female avatars in games and online spaces.
It took a lot of alcohol to even do this. I am 23 now and I still have no idea who I am sexually.
23.... Alcohol... Porn.... Imagination.... 'confused'...
If 'i' was 23 with alcohol, watching many different types of 'porn', with a wild and macabre imagination, and confused, what might 'You' say to myself?
@daverod,
That the post before yours is over 2 years old and the poster has most likely left.
I know this is 2 years old but holy **** lmao!! I'm glad I'm from the Bush Era. Any guy with those fantasies would just ******* do it! The problem is you would have to be all tranny n ****. Can't do that now a days can ya? That word got banned and the whole 'chix w/ dix 2 times the fun' suddenly disappeared. Then to "be inclusive" Baily Jay got replaced with....Caitlin Jenner. How very "progressive" of the left. Take away trannies right at the time you posted this. That ******* sucks! Seriously. Everything is censored now.
But if you were from the Bush Era and you felt all sissy n ****, you could act out fantasies online with whoever you wanted cause trannies/sissies were popular. Granted they were usually in some really shady sites, but, **** it! That woulda boosted up your confidence right quick. Or give you PTSD lol. Either way, it woulda been way better than being deprived and nobody giving you a real answer other than "therapy brah."
Obama Era ruined **** like no other.
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