Theories on this feeling, anyone?

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I am an adolescent heterosexual male. Banally speaking, you could say that I am horny. However, I am very reserved about my sexuality, and the vast majority of people I know in real life aren't aware of this. I never act on my arousal except in complete and total privacy, and don't often talk about it, especially with people I know in real life. I am not at all sexually attracted to other males, and although I have a gay friend and am strongly supportive of gay rights, the thought of having sexual contact with a man turns me off.

Recently, I went to an all-boys camp for several weeks. While there, I developed a feeling for one of the kids, we'll call him Matt. If I knew what the male equivalent of "pretty" was, I would say that it described him. He is one year younger than me and nearly a foot shorter, but in no way immature. He is intelligent, funny, and runs fast. I very much enjoyed being with Matt, and followed him around quite a bit. When I realized what I was doing, I started to worry that my behaivor might be creepy, so I asked him if he would like me to leave him alone sometimes. He said that it was not a problem. I asked again a week later, and got the same response.

My camp offers rock climbing trips, and I signed up for one of these, partially because Matt had, although I also do very much enjoy rock climbing. The trip lasted three days, and spent two night at a campground. At the campground, I was in a tent with Matt and one other boy. Each of us had a sleeping bag, and Matt slept between myself the other boy. The second night of the trip, after Matt and the other boy had fallen asleep, I spent a fair amount of time looking at Matt's head which protruded from his sleeping bag. Then, while he was sleeping, I touched his hair.

At the end of camp, when Matt's parents came to pick him up, I hugged him goodbye. I would do so again, and would also touch his hair again if given the chance. I would also hold his hand. However, I would not want to do anything more with Matt, ever. I have reflected on the possibility of being sexually attracted to him, and found that I am not in the slightest. Again, the idea of any sexual contact between us frankly disgusts me, and I have no desire to see down his pants.

This contrasts with the feeling I felt for a female classmate of mine, we'll call her Sarah. Like Matt, I enjoyed being with Sarah, and followed her around. She was extremely reserved because of a traumatic experience which occured before I met her, but had she not been I would have hugged her. I also would have touched her hair, and held her hand. However, unlike Matt, I found that I could become sexually attracted to Sarah, and in a world free from consequenses I might eventually have had intimate contact with her.

I do not claim that either of these feelings is love, but I'd like to know what you think of them, specifically of Matt.

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I know that from my own experiences growing up, that even two straight men can have deep, affectionate feelings for each other without necessarily being gay. As for the fact that Matt is gay, if you honestly aren't attracted to him sexually, or even if you are and don't realize it, I don't see either as a problem. Clearly you are a little overwhelmed about your feelings, which is completely normal. Follow your instincts, and don't worry about questioning yourself or your actions. You seem like just the kind of person with deep emotions, even if you keep them private, and affection for other people in general. That's a good quality, and given that you prefer women sexually, I wouldn't even bother bringing the possibility of sex into your friendship with Matt. I have both gay and straight male friends that I really like hanging out with because I respect them and enjoy their company, that's it. Incidentally, the hetero myth that a gay friend will makes moves on them is exactly that, a myth. It sounds like you made a good friend. As for the future, just follow your heart.

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The restrictions that our society places on expression of emotion often come into conflict with our desire for human companionship. Your admiration for this boy is not unique, whether you have a sexual attraction or not is really irrelevant, the rules of what is considered 'normal' restrict you from exhibiting any great liking for him at all because of the stigma that is placed on such affection. It is possible to simply like someone, to just think that they are somehow special.

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First of all, when I said that I had a gay friend, I was not referring to Matt. As far as I know, Matt is hetero. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Also, while your advice is greatly appreciated, it's not actually what I was looking for. I agree with both of you, and what you suggest basically coincides with what I'm doing anyway. The reason I posted this in the philosophy forum was that I was more interested in a discussion of what the feeling was, if you know what I mean.

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What made you want to touch his hair? Was there no sexual arousal involved in that at all?

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I suppose, agrote, that would depend on how you define sexual arousal, but I would say that no, there was not. There was emotional arousal, I suppose, if I can even refer to such a thing, but nothing about it was erotic, and the feeling was really quite different from being sexually aroused.

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Lordregent52 wrote:

I suppose, agrote, that would depend on how you define sexual arousal, but I would say that no, there was not. There was emotional arousal, I suppose, if I can even refer to such a thing, but nothing about it was erotic, and the feeling was really quite different from being sexually aroused.

For a man I would probably define something as sexually arousing if it gives you, or begins to give you, an erection.

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As would I, agrote, at least in part. I did use that as part of my criterion when I answered your previous question, and for your information Matt did not, on that trip or at any other time, give me an erection.

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agrote wrote:

What made you want to touch his hair? Was there no sexual arousal involved in that at all?

Human beings are curious animals, and especially when preconditioned by other factors will always seek to gratify tactile wonderings.

Society seeks to inhibit such investigation as it frequently leads to confrontation, due to misunderstanding.

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So it didn't, sort of, move at all? Sorry to ask, I just want to be sure whether or not your feelings were remotely sexual.

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No, it didn't sort of move. I was at the time really not thinking about it at all.

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I recently saw the movie "Troy" which is peopled with a hord of 'pretty' people.

Ignoring the violence which is inherent in entertainment vehicles, and also a very real part of our primitive past (and present), i found feasting my eyes on the beauty of the individuals being displayed in the cinematographers' best chosen light, and the interplay between them as pairs (kudos to the casting experts) was the bulk of the entertainment to be had.

While there is definitely an internal psychological difference in my eye's interpretation of an enchanting female form, and the engaging admiration for the male body under extreme stress, there is a striking awareness of masculine strength in the face of a beautiful woman, and femininity in the face of a pretty man!

Lordregent52 wrote:

-from the 'What is Love' thread -
I wholeheartedly agree. I suppose then, that finding no alternative we must continue to call men pretty? Of course, I suppose that the only problem with this is that they might possibly take offense, which I doubt anyone here on A2K would.

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The first thing that came to my mind was that what you were feeling toward Matt was infatuation.

You were attracted to many things about him--his personal attributes, his athletic ability, and his attractive physical appearance. You followed him around, suggesting he had (or you gave him) some power over you. He made you feel good when you were with him, and you felt affection toward him, possibly because he made you feel good. Some idealization of Matt was probably involved in all of this. In my mind, at least, that seems to describe an infatuation.
You do not relate any reciprocity on Matt's part, but, even if he did share similar feelings, I would still regard this as infatuation.
Infatuation is neither romantic nor sexual love, and it generally is more transitory and less intense than those feelings. We can feel infatuated with members of either sex. It could be considered a form of love, although it is more like having an affectionate crush on someone.

What you describe also sounds like the classical Platonic love--an affectionate, but not sexual, feeling for another person. For Plato, this was a love of the idea of good which lies at the root of all virtue and truth. It is the basis of what we feel toward close friends. We love them for their goodness. Since you describe Matt as possessing many good traits, your feelings toward him fit the definition of Platonic love.

I see your stroking of Matt's hair, much as I would see a father stroking his child's hair. From what you have said, it seems to have been merely an affectionate gesture on your part, perhaps prompted by some tender feelings. I would see that as part of an infatuation as well.

But, my question to you would be, what puzzles or disturbs you about the feelings you had toward Matt?

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You followed him around, suggesting he had (or you gave him) some power over you. He made you feel good when you were with him, and you felt affection toward him, possibly because he made you feel good.

I don't know that he really had power over me, but your point is noted. I wouldn't, for example, miss out on things that I enjoy or on unique opportunities to be with him. On the flip side, I also wouldn't go to activities I didn't enjoy just because he did.

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Some idealization of Matt was probably involved in all of this.

Probably.

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it generally is more transitory and less intense than those feelings.

I won't know how transitory the feeling is until next year, because until then all I have are a few photos and my (admittedly idealized) memories.

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I see your stroking of Matt's hair, much as I would see a father stroking his child's hair. From what you have said, it seems to have been merely an affectionate gesture on your part, perhaps prompted by some tender feelings.

Yes, well put. It was definitely an affectionate thing.

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But, my question to you would be, what puzzles or disturbs you about the feelings you had toward Matt?

I wouldn't say I'm puzzled and I'm certainly not disturbed - I'm just interested. This is the first time I have experienced a feeling like this, and so naturally it sparks some curiosity.

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"Awe" rather than "arousal"?

The universe is full of awe-inspiring mystery.

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I think that, particularly in adolescence, when males are, as you said at the outset, "horny", that one is likely to feel tenderness, affection, and even some mildly erotic feelings toward members of the same sex. That's because we humans are capable of loving, and being attracted to, all other humans regardless of their gender.
Under certain circumstances some adolescents might even engage in sexual behaviors with members of the same sex, partly out of curiosity, and partly because our feelings of sexual arousal and our capacities for sexual stimulation and satisfaction are not fixedly tied to members of the opposite sex, even for definite heterosexuals.
But our social cultures tend to define whether or not such feelings are acceptable and whether they can be openly expressed. In some cultures men can hug, kiss, and hold hands, while in other cultures such physical expressions of affection and caring would be frowned upon. We instinctively feel affection toward members of the same sex whom we like, but whether we (particularly men) can display it physically, or feel comfortable with it, depends on our social upbringing and our cultural conditioning.

I think that when one's hormones are at a peak, as is the case for a male adolescent, all sorts of new feelings are likely to arise, including feelings of affection toward other males. For some this might cause panic about their sexuality, for others it becomes just another nugget of self awareness and brings a realization that they have an infinite capacity to love, regardless of gender similarities or differences.

We humans like to feel close to each other. We like to bond. We like physical contact. We enjoy affection and love. And this is true whether the object of our feelings is of the same sex or the opposite sex. That is the basis for close friendships and lasting attachments. We care for each other--in all sorts of ways--and very few of those ways are sexualized in nature.

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As my father lay dying...I felt this very thing.

When I look at my mother now and witness her vulnerability, or her spunk, I feel it too.

I can remember feeling it when my son was sooo small..and when he was a little boy...and sometimes now, when he's 18.

I've felt this for my siblings and my girlfriends and my husband and once or twice for strangers...or their stories.

Damned if I know what it is called...but Khalil Gibran summed it up very well for me: "to know the pain of too much tenderness."

What a bittersweet, but glorious gift.

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Your post is touching, Joeblow, very touching, but I'm not sure that what you speak of is the same. You seem to think of it as a painful feeling, associated with loss. What I felt was not at all like this, it was never bitter or painful in the slightest, even when Matt left...

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No...not painful...O.k. yes, sometimes painful...but not always, and never merely painful...do you see?

Only you can know the nature of the feelings you experienced...but, they seemed somehow wistful, or..awe inspired...or...or...tender, to me.

Perhaps it's simply love.

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Tender, yes. Wistful or awe-inspired, no.

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Theories on this feeling, anyone?

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