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How do you deal with an autistic bully?

 
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Mar, 2016 04:32 pm
@glitterbag,
glitterbag wrote:
I would ask the administrators whose insurance covers


good point to mention the insurer
glitterbag
 
  4  
Reply Fri 4 Mar, 2016 04:59 pm
@ehBeth,
That was my old go-to question. You seriously don't want to be in a position where you have to sue for injuries but administrators usually come to Jesus when they realize they could be financially responsible because of this poor judgement.

My son was in a small private school when he was 7 and one of the parents wanted to take the entire class (18) on their sailboat for a day on the Chesapeake Bay. They were all 7 for Christs sake, talking to the Head Mistress was a waste of time, she said they had life vests and 2 of the 4 chaperones were at one time life guards. The Chesapeake is very unpredictable, storms will appear with very little warning and from personal experience I know how frightening it can be. The water churns the water look black and too many strong swimmers have drowned. The other parent with the Sailboat I really didn't know, but I could not agree to let my child to sail with 17 other 7 year olds. But when I asked Mrs. Scatter whose insurance would be responsible, the school or the parent, it brought everything to a screeching halt.

Just for the record, I have never sued anyone..
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Mar, 2016 07:21 pm
@glitterbag,
Thank you, glitterbag. I will keep you in mind as a resource!

I do have to say that nothing Mo has ever said, and nothing the school has said indicate that this boy is violent. He has called Mo some pretty vulgar names and he is constantly up in Mo's business but he has never been violent.

It's really more about constant annoyance. Nothing Mo does goes by without a comment. Nothing Mo's working on doesn't get questioned. He tattles on Mo for everything -- stupid things -- "Teacher! Teacher! Mo sharpened his pencil!", "Teacher! Mo went to the restroom!" Maybe "bully" is too strong a word for it but it is so persistent that it feels like bullying to Mo... and to me.

I have had more emails, phone calls and meetings with the school in the last month than I have in the last 3.5 years. All of them are related to this kid.

I can tell the teachers and staff are frustrated with him (other kid) too. There are several/many autistic kids at the school (it's an epidemic in that age group I guess) so I'm assuming that saw his application and never assumed what was in store.

It's a public school. There is no tuition. But you do have to apply and be interviewed to attend.
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Fri 4 Mar, 2016 08:24 pm
@boomerang,
Mo is as entitled to a safe environment as every other child in the school. My youngest nephew is either autistic or somewhere on the Aspergers spectrum, I think my oldest nephew also is high functioning Aspergers. That's a conversation that I don't want to have on an open forum. I don't remember which State you live in, but many States have resources available for autistic children and I'll bet they have specialists who can advise you and Mo on coping techniques or possibly intervene on Mo's behalf.

I understand that this boy hasn't yet been violent. He may actually like Mo and this is the only way he can engage Mo. But just to be on the safe side, see if you can't get some advice from people knowledgeable on autism and its characteristics. This has to be a nightmare for Mo, he's being bullied constantly and the other boy's parents are objecting because their son can't help it. And the administrators are going along with it. This autistic child can be helped to modify his behavior.......I just don't think Mo should be the one who has to suffer. The other kid's parents are being very selfish and overprotective. I don't want to come off as insensitive, but the teachers can correct him when he tattles on Mo. It's not going to be a life ending event to tell the other child he's not being appropriate. Mo would likely appreciate the adults acknowledging he's being treated unfairly.
PUNKEY
 
  0  
Reply Fri 4 Mar, 2016 09:33 pm
Are any other kids complaining about this kid's over attentiveness? You said he has "zeroed in" on Mo. Could it be that Mo gives this kid a reaction and so they have this "dance" they do?

Mo could learn detachment skills -- you don't have to answer every barking dog.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Fri 4 Mar, 2016 10:22 pm
@glitterbag,
I agree with glittwrbag. MO is experiencing himself bullying .. why not call the school with the same complaints this autistic child's parents claimed against Mo. It would seem another child following him around spewing cruel words would make someone feel uncomfortable and not safe.

Let the school know this is impacting him and it needs to stop. The school is allowing this harassment. It doesn't matter whether the other child is autistic . ..everyone has the right to feel safe and comfortable.
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Fri 4 Mar, 2016 11:17 pm
@Linkat,
I agree also with Linkat. The autistic child can't learn if he is watching and reporting on Mo. And Mo has it be under a huge amount of pressure knowing everyone knows he is being bullied, but ignore it and make it his responsibility to fix it. I was pretty independent when I was Mo's age, but being watched and reported all day long would have exhausted me. Frankly, the school and the parents are allowing this boy to stalk Mo. Its terribly destructive and it has to stop. I think the school need to understand that they are denying Mo the ability to get a unmolested education, I think its almost, if not actually a civil rights issue. The school is ignoring their responsibility and asking another 15 year old boy to absorb the torment. I think it's shameful. Boomer, call me and I'll go to the school.
0 Replies
 
Kolyo
 
  3  
Reply Fri 4 Mar, 2016 11:39 pm
Here's my opinion. I am someone with Asperger Syndrome.

If the autistic kid is just mildly autistic, they should punish him like they would punish anyone. That's what they did to me when I was a kid and got in fights, and they were doing me a favor. If anything, they let me off too easy. Autistics may not agree that they are to blame, but they can appreciate cause and effect. I mean, the high-functioning kind can. (I didn't get protection for being autistic, because no one knew. )

If he's so severely autistic that he can't control himself, why has he been mainstreamed?
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Mar, 2016 11:43 pm
@Kolyo,
You hit the nail on the head. Thank you for sharing your experience.
0 Replies
 
Briancrc
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Mar, 2016 08:49 am
@boomerang,
There isn't a regulatory need to have access to Mo. If Mo is feeling harrassed or bullied, then notifying the school administration is appropriate. The school should have a policy manual that describes the process for addressing bullying/hazing. A child on an IEP (which is confidential and no one but the child's team would know what is being addressed) specifies the child's goals and services to be provided. There would also be modifications and accommodations, but accessing Mo wouldn't be one of them. Having autism isn't a privilege, or something people hope for. Special education services provide a free appropriate education in the least restrictive environment, they do not provide a license to do whatever to whomever. If the school personnel are not responding to the complaints you've made, it is probably because they do not know how to, and the process is not working its way up through the system. If it's not resolved at the school level, then there could be support at the central offices. Good luck
0 Replies
 
Fil Albuquerque
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Mar, 2016 08:56 am
Autistic and bully don't match.
glitterbag
 
  3  
Reply Sat 5 Mar, 2016 10:39 am
@Fil Albuquerque,
I think you may not realize that autistic people are people. They experience many different emotions. Forget Rainman, Autistics can be fabulous mathematicians, card sharks, a walking knowledge base of every law ever passed by Congress but occasionally you will run into a manipulator. I think that's what Mo is dealing with.

0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Mar, 2016 01:47 pm
Thanks Linkat and glitterbag.

I guess I've been thinking about this a bit off kilter. Mo is a big and powerful kid physically and whenever he reacts to another kid it often gets labeled as bullying just because his size is intimidating. I know that the school knows he is not a bully and that it actually takes a lot of provocation to get him going.

And this kid doesn't even really "get him going", he just wears him out.

I think I'll start taking a different tack with the school from now on.
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Mar, 2016 01:58 pm
@Kolyo,
Thanks for your input, Kolyo!

This kid isn't really being "mainstreamed". The school is an alternative school for kids who, for whatever reasons, were not faring well in traditional schools. It has an excellent support staff and most kids really flourish there. This kid, not so much.

Quote:
Autistics may not agree that they are to blame, but they can appreciate cause and effect.


This, I think, is important and something I want to think on a bit more. I've heard from the school that when Mo snaps and says something to the kid that the kid's feelings get really hurt. I'm thinking that the fact that Mo takes it, and takes it, and takes it, until he snaps might not have a good cause = effect message and perhaps that's one thing that keeps it from stopping.
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  3  
Reply Sat 5 Mar, 2016 02:01 pm
@Fil Albuquerque,
That's kind of the way I felt until I saw it in action.

I know this kid can't help it but Mo's education and sanity matter too.

I don't want to be "that mom" who puts her precious snowflake before anyone else. I want Mo to understand that you have to deal with all kinds of people in the world and that sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

But this is getting ridiculous!
Leadfoot
 
  3  
Reply Sat 5 Mar, 2016 03:46 pm
@boomerang,
This may not be any help at all in your situation but here is my experience.

I don't know how some autistic kids pick the object of their 'attention' but I have experienced several cases of this personally, even as an adult. Not easy to do but the only thing that seemed to help was to absolutely ignore their actions, even the physical ones.

I sensed that the motivation was that they actually liked the one they choose and took ANY response from the one being bothered as approval or encouragement.

Good luck dealing with a difficult situation.
boomerang
 
  3  
Reply Sun 6 Mar, 2016 08:03 am
@Leadfoot,
Thanks, Leadfoot. You just jarred loose a memory of something I read about stalkers -- if you ignore and ignore and ignore and then respond they just learn that it takes X attempts at contact before they get satisfied.

The book talked about how hard this can be for an adult so I'm not really sure if it will work for a teenage boy but it's worth talking over with Mo.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Mar, 2016 11:27 pm
I hope things are getting better.
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 12:32 pm
@ehBeth,
Thank you.

We're on day one of a two week spring break. I'm hoping it provides a cool down period.
0 Replies
 
 

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