I need help

Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2015 12:38 am
Goodmorning Forum Members

I am relatively new on this forum and I basically need all the help and advice out there i could help because this directly involves me.

Now i am an african man (29years of age) married to a carribean lady (24years) for over a year now, she is perfect and everything i could ever want in a woman. While we are currently expecting our first child, the issue which my marriage is currently facing is that my wife just doesnt like cooking, apart from not cooking she just doesnt know how to cook.

We had dated for about a year and half before getting married although we lived seperatly in two different countries while we dated as i was currently schooling and she was elsewhere, immediately after my graduation, I had relocated over to her country and we started living together 10months ago

Now believe me that for over 10months shes been in the kitchen to cook just four times and basically its always when her family decides to visit, I do the dishes, cooking (for myself) everything but deep down inside of me, I am no longer finding it funny. While i admit that shes pregnant and she stresses that she cant stand for long periods to cook (which i understand) my pains are even prior to she getting pregnant she just doesnt cook and when she does, her food are a DISASTER

She comes from a family where they basically eat out, She rather spend on eating all sorts of Mcdonald's, KFC etc than stay in a kitchen and prepare Home cooked food. Her mom basically is like that as well and while i had stressed to her family how much i love my meals been prepared in my home they showed little or NO concern about talking her into cooking.

She has repeatedly informed me that her mom does not cook for her dad and from what i've studied thats basically how she was brought up as the mom hardly cooks and would rather munch on KFC and Mcdonald's or any fast food she would get for her other kids, I was clearly not bought up this way. I had grown up to see my mother prepare meals for my family but I simply do not know why my wife has refused to learn how to cook african dishes and even her own dish (carribean) she basically also sucks at that.

Its killing my confidence in her and im doing all i can to manage the situation (Just because of my unborn child). I cant keep coming from work and get to meet half cooked meals or absolutely nothing because I am married to a woman whose mom bought her up not to cook, the last time she tried cooking for me a few months ago at her mom's while we went visiting, i noticed her mom and elder sister laughing (which i didnt find funny) maybe they were suprised she was cooking because they know she sucks at it or whatsoever reason it may be.

Please I need an advice on how to handle this issue, I cant keep living like this (If i dont cook for myself, i wont eat) and she never cooks (except toasting bread and drinking Juice) and before the end of the day she finds a way to leave the house with her mom (coming up with whatever excuse she's got) just to go out and eat Junk food alongside her mom and other siblings.

I have lost TOTAL respect for her family because I have seen these flaws in her (especially her mom) because she would not help or speak to her and her mom is starting to notice how unhappy i am starting to get with her daughter

I had a meeting about this a few months ago and informed my wife parents how happy i was with their daughter but I NOTICED she doesnt cook and i simply do not like it, her dad told me directly that 'You lay your bed you lie on it' which i understood its not his concern but the mom went on defensive and said her daughter just doesnt like cooking, I understood shes just trying to defend her daughter but it basically left me really unimpressed because the woman in question doesnt cook for her husband anyways (maybe thats why her husband has got a woman elsewhere) too

Please help
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Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2015 06:18 am
Learn how to cook if it bothers you that much.
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Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2015 08:32 am
My wife and I share cooking duties. I normally end up cooking more often than she does because I am the better cook. (She will readily admit to that.) Granted, one reason we came up with this arrangement is that we both work and neither of us felt it was fair for the other to handle all the cooking duties.

Anyway, if she never learned to cook, then what is wrong with you stepping up to the plate and doing the cooking? At least that way you won't starve to death. lol
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Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2015 08:41 am
ultron wrote:
I cant keep living like this (If i dont cook for myself, i wont eat)

good to hear you can cook

so cook

and maybe sometime over the next few decades, your wife or child will also learn to cook


my best friend from university could never cook anything beyond the most incredibly basic (popcorn and potatoes cooked in the microwave). she's been married 30 years - her husband has done all of the cooking for their entire marriage. both of their sons (24 and 28 y.o.) are very good cooks.

she's happy to do prep work (cut up veggies etc) and load the dishwasher but cooking just wasn't ever going to happen

her husband loves and respects her - cooking wasn't a deal-breaker for him


you really had a family meeting about this? really? it just isn't that important.

you can cook - do the cooking. it's not important who does it - though it's best that the person who does the cooking makes tasty food
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Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2015 08:44 am
I think this is a bigger problem.

ultron wrote:
before the end of the day she finds a way to leave the house with her mom (coming up with whatever excuse she's got) just to go out and eat Junk food alongside her mom and other siblings.

Do you have to live near your in-laws? is it possible to get further away from them so they don't continue to tempt your wife to eat junk food - especially during pregnancy. You don't want your child introduced to junk food.
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Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2015 05:00 pm
Marriage counselling. No one here can convince your wife of anything, and you may, or may not, be giving all the information. There's obviously a cultural clash going on here, and perhaps even a 'fair contribution to the relationship' clash, but there may also be male dominance issues...who can tell? See a counsellor - someone the two of you can sit down with, and discuss all the issues.
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