How can I juggle my health and my weight gain obsession

Hi, my name is Bui duyen and i'm a long time reader and admirer. Long before that I can remember fantisizing about weight gain for myself and others. Those were blissful days, before I understood how poor health tends to go hand in hand with weight gain. In seventh grade I was able to understand what I actually needed to eat to gain weight. I started at 118 at the begining of school and by January was 164, some of which can be attributed to puberty of course. In eigth and ninth I was able to get up to 180+ but my parents stepped in and got in the way of bad food in the house. I never lost much weight just maintained it. Eventually I had my own money from working and was able to gain up to 190, then 200 and the most i've been is 220 or so. BTW, I am 28yo, 5' 11" and 210, not quite obese by BMI standards. However, my health brings reality into the situation.

I have had high blood preassure for several years. I get prescribed more pills each time i visit the doctor, and get told to lose weight of course. Right now I take five pills per day, including Lysinopril, carvedilol, atorvastatin, and advil. I was hospitolized for high blood preassure/weak heart beat summer of 2014, which for awhile scared me straight.

I know that I need to put my health first, I know that my weight gain days should be over. I thought they were but recently my urge to gain came back despite all i've been through. I don't really know what to do, but any support or ideas would be a big help.