I thought it was impossible...

I remember trying to forgive my ex. I ended the relationship with him because I felt smothered, controlled, that he was extremely competitive etc. etc. It's a long and ugly story that I no longer feel the need to write about because it no longer fuels me with anger. Let's just say I was bitter, really really bitter. I avoided him, whenever I saw him on the street, a wave of anger would wash over me and I despised him. My friends didn't have a high opinion of him too. I went to counselling to deal with the hate, I read self-help books etc. etc. etc.... Absoluuuuutely nothing worked. Now it's important to mention that during all this time I never wanted to actually see him, EVER. I was going to avoid seeing him forever, waiting for a miracle, a day when I wouldn't feel that hate. When I was out of ideas, I did what everyone told me not to do. I got in contact with him after years of silence and of ignoring him.

We met up (oh my God I was terrified), and by this point years later, this guy who I hated so much that I'd developed a fear towards, was just a docile fellow, years older and more aware of his behaviour. We caught up, like old friends. No comparisons, no competition, nothing. When I mentioned how I felt about his actions, he did something I never expected. He apologised (!!!). We hung out for 3 hours and then he went home. Immediately I knew that I was freer (I say freer not free) because I'd faced a fear. I never worried about bumping into him again on the street. I had been convinced that this man was too stubborn to apologise. But maybe he apologised because I too was big enough to apologise, for ignoring him all those years after the break up.

A few weeks later (like I said the effects of forgiveness wasn't instant), I was feeling sorry for myself in my flat, getting ready to go out and I read a chapter in Pema Chódrón's book, then I felt a little better. Then I went out to meet my friends. I was the first to arrive that evening, I was sitting in a plaza waiting for everybody and I felt an immense sense of calm that I'd never felt before. Even though I didn't realise it at the time, that moment in the plaza was when I let go, because I've never felt angry at him since.

Your past will never go away; ever, but you can get over it by facing it. Granted I was lucky, but if I had never faced my fear, I'd still be angry today.

I still deal with resentment about other areas in my life, but I got over something I never though I would.

Now even though I said that self-help books never worked, I am going to contradict myself and say that there is one woman who to me is a hero. Her name is Pema Chódrón. She wrote a book called 'When things fall apart’, which has helped me so so much. She's a wonderful woman with an amazing life story. I have very few heroes in my life, and she's one of them. I'd love to be able to tell her!