The neverending A TO Z OF WHATEVER GAME

Picasso cycling race



Announcer : And now for more news of the momentous artistic event in which Pablo Picasso is doing a specially commissioned painting for us whilst riding a bicycle. Pablo Picasso - the founder of modern art - without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever... for the first time painting in motion. … Well, we've just heard that Picasso is approaching the Tolworth roundabout on the A3 so come in Sam Trench at Tolworth.

Trench: (Standing at roadside) Well something certainly is happening here at Tolworth roundabout, David. I can now see Picasso, he's cycling down very hard towards the roundabout, he's about 75-50 yards away and I can now see his painting... it's an abstract... I can see some blue some purple and some little black oval shapes... I think I can see...

A Pepperpot comes up and nudges him.

Pepperpot: That's not Picasso - that's Kandinsky.

Trench: (excited) Good lord, you're right. It's Kandinsky. Wassily Kandinsky, and who's this here with him? It's Braque. Georges Braque, the Cubist, painting a bird in flight over a cornfield and going very fast down the hill towards Kingston and... (cyclists pass in front of him) Piet Mondrian - just behind, Piet Mondrian the Neo-Plasticist, and then a gap, then the main bunch, here they come, Chagall, Max Ernst, Miro, Dufy, Ben Nicholson, Jackson Pollock and Bernard Buffet making a break on the outside here, Brancusi's going with him, so is Gericault, Fernand Leger, Delaunay, De Kooning, Kokoschka's dropping back here by the look of it, and so's Paul Klee dropping back a bit and, right at the back of this group, our very own Kurt Schwitters..

Pepperpot: He's German!

Trench: But as yet absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso, and so from Tolworth roundabout back to the studio.

I didn't know that one, hilarious!

(Really sorry I haven't any MP quotes to post here - but thanks so much for such an entertaining category - have enjoyed reading it so much - I was in love with Eric for years and years - though he is a bit naughty at times! Thanks heaps! Keep it up!)

Glad you're enjoying it, lezzles!

Registry office sketch:

First Man: Er, excuse me, I want to get married.

Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.

First Man: Er, no, no. I just want to get married.

Registrar: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.

First Man: Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary because...

Registrar: You see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.

First Man: No, no, I want to get married here.

Registrar: Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.

First Man: Look, I just want you to marry me... to...

Registrar: I want to marry you too sir, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?

First Man: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.

Registrar: Suits me, sir. Suits me.

First Man: I don't want to marry you!

Registrar: There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir.

First Man: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.

Registrar: I will marry you sir, but please make up your mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.

First Man: I'm sorry, but...

Registrar: That's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.

First Man: Look, I'm already engaged.

Registrar: (agreeing and thinking) Yes, and I'm already married. Still we'll get round it.

STRING SKETCH
(and hello there, Lezzles, nice to see you!!)


Adrian Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr....Simpson. Aaah, welcome to
Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang!
Mr. Simpson: Thank you.
Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet...
Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do.
Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson... French, is it?
S: No.
W: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
S: String.
W: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell *anything*.
S: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two
thousand *miles* of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I
advertised it...
W: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
S: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and
twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it's not very
useful.
W: Well, that's our selling point!
"SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!"
S: What?
W: "THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR
STRINGETTES - JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!"
S: For what?
W: "A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!"
S: Such as?
W: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh,
destroying household pests...
S: Destroying household pests?! How?
W: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if
they're smaller than, you flog them to death with it!
S: Well *surely*!....
W: "DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED,
RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR
STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN HOSPITALS!"
S: 'Ospitals!?!?!?!!?
W: Have you ever in a Hospital where they didn't have string?
S: No, but it's only *string*!
W: ONLY STRING?! It's everything! It's...it's waterproof!
S: No it isn't!
W: All right, it's water resistant then!
S: It isn't!
W: All right, it's water absorbent! It's...Super Absorbent String!
"ABSORB WATER TODAY WITH SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX
STRINGETTES! AWAY WITH FLOODS!"

"There is nothing quite as wonderful as money" song:

I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas.
I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge.
I've got lots of lovely lire.
Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer,
And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash.
Some people say it's folly,
But I'd rather have the lolly.
With money you can make a splash.

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.

(Chorus) ...Money, money, money, money.

There is nothing like a newly minted pound.

(Chorus) ...Money, money, money, money.

Everyone must hanker
For the butchness of a banker.
It's accountancy that makes the world go 'round.

(Chorus) 'Round, 'round, 'round.

You can keep your Marxist ways,
For it's only just a phase,
For it's money, money, money makes the world go 'round.

(Chorus) ...Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey!

Upper Class Twit of the Year

Vocational guidance counsellor sketch



Counselor: Ah Mr Anchovy. Do sit down.

Anchovy: Thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh?

Counselor:: Yes, yes.

Anchovy: Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.

Counselor: Enough of this gay banter. And now Mr Anchovy, you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for.

Anchovy: That is correct, yes.

Counselor: Well I now have the results here of the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week, and from them we've built up a pretty clear picture of the sort of person that you are. And 1 think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.

Anchovy: But I am a chartered accountant.

Counselor: Jolly good. Well back to the office with you then.

Anchovy: No! No! No! You don't understand. I've been a chartered accountant for the last twenty years. I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live.

Counselor: Well chartered accountancy is rather exciting isn't it?

Anchovy: Exciting? No it's not. It's dull. Dull. Dull. My God it's dull, it's so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des-per-ate-ly DULL.

Counselor: Well, er, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.

Whizzo Butter

(Cut to a group of middle-aged lower-middle-class women (hereinafter referred
to as 'Pepperpots) being interviewed.)


First Pepperpot: (GC) I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and
this dead crab.


Interviewer: (MP) Yes, you know, we find that nine out of ten British
housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.


Pepperpots: It's true, we can't. No.


Second Pepperpot: (JC) Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?


Interviewer: (modestly) Yes, yes.


Second Pepperpot: He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't
tell Whizzo butter from a dead crab.


Third Pepperpot: (TJ) You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit
your face.

I'm stumped for an "X" (and a "Y", for that matter). Clary?

Various Y lines:

From Grail
"You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring!"

"You know much that is hidden, o Tim." "Quite."

"You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you."

"You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!"

From Brian
"Yes, we are all different!" "I'm not."

"You're all individuals!" "Yes, we are all individuals!"

Zeppelin sketch:

1st Voice Over: Ferdinand von Zeppelin was born in Constance in 1838, the brother of Barry Zeppelin, the least talented of the fourteen Zeppelin brothers.

(Black and white film of Barry blowing up balloons of increasing size. They all sink to the ground. The last one blows back and inflates him (specially made balloon); he rises into the air. Cut to stock film of a zeppelin.)

1st Voice Over: Meanwhile for Ferdinand von Zeppelin, the year 1908 was a year of triumph.

(Cut to interior of a zeppelin. A party. Expensively dressed guests. Champagne. A palm court orchestra playing. Some guests looking out of the windows in wonderment.)

Von Bulow: (approaching Zeppelin) Herr Zeppelin - it's wonderful! It's put ballooning right back on the map.

(Zeppelin goes instantly berserk with anger.)

Zeppelin: It's not a balloon! D'you hear?... It's not a balloon ... It's an airship ... an airship ... d'you hear?

(He hits him very hard on the top of the head with the underside of his fist.)

Von Bulow: Well, it's very nice anyway.

Tirpitz: (to Zeppelin) Tell me, what is the principle of these balloons?

Zeppelin: It's not a balloon! You stupid little thick-headed Saxon git! It's not a balloon! Balloons is for kiddy-winkies. If you want to play with balloons, get outside.

(Drags Tirpitz over to the door, opens it and flings him out into the clouds.)

[And so on, until the entire cabinet has been thrown out of the zeppelin and into the cottage of an old German couple, who say]:

Mrs Helmut: It is a great honour to have so many members of the Government dead in our sitting room.



For the next round: we may have done this already, but it's the right time of year, so how about Oscar-winning actors or actresses (including supporting actor or actress), by either first or last name.


Julie Andrews (best actress, Mary Poppins, 1964)

Bette Davis (Jezebel and Dangerous)

Cagney, James (Yankee Doodle Dandy)

Dustin Hoffman (1. Kramer vs Kramer, 2. Rain Man)

Emma Thompson - 1992 - Howards End

Fredric March (The Best Years of Our Lives (1946) and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931))

Grace Kelly - 1954 - The Country Girl

Helen Mirren, hot tip for 2007

Irons, Jeremy - 1990 - Reversal of Fortune