You sound anguished...and in despair.
My feelings are that there is nothing anyone here in this forum can do to help you rid yourself of whatever it is that is working on you.
You have to do it yourself...or more exactly, you have to do it yourself with the aid of competent professional help.
If you have the resources for a professional psychologist or psychiatrist...that would be the preferred way to start the journey to wholeness. If you don't...there are ministers who might be able to help you.
If drugs or booze or gambling are involved...there are organizations that offer help to people with those problems.
If any kind of suicidal thoughts are involved...there are also organizations that offer help to people with those thoughts.
(The drugs, booze, gambling, and suicidal thoughts organizations have "hot lines" that you can access through phone books...or by asking your local municipal or county offices for help in getting in touch with them. Even the police department can be of help if none of the other attempts for contact work.)
Or, if you are not comfortable with any of those suggestions...there are books that can help you understand the forces working on you. The librarian at your local library can help you access them. (That is a much, much harder path...and the first two suggestions are probably a better bet.)
Good luck with your search for help.