Al Qaeda Complains of TV Network Bias

Al Qaeda Complains of TV Network Bias, Pitches New Reality Show

Arabic television Al Jazeera aired a tape purportedly from senior al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahri last week, where the Number 2 al Qaeda leader called on all Muslims to, "write to American infidel television executives to demand more quality terrorist programming." Disillusioned over the lack of al Qaeda exposure in the west, Zawahri proposed the bold move on Al Jazeera in response to a steady decline in revenue. Primarily due to U.S.initiatives to freeze their assets worldwide, al Qaeda has seen its profit margins shrink over the past two years.

In an effort to shore up these margins, Zawahri is considering releasing a reality show that is a cross between the highly popular "Survivor" series and the less successful "Big Brother" franchise called, "Mad, Mad Cell". "The premise of the show," Zawahri said, " is to show everyday life in an al Qaeda terror cell as martyrs from different countries live and train together. At the end of every show, one of the participants is voted out of the cell and sent to "glorious martyrdom". I think that the program will serve the duel purpose catering to a neglected segment of the American viewing public as well as providing a vehicle for our numerous community service messages, which get little airplay in the U.S."

CBS television executives have been extremely closed mouthed about the program, but are reportedly reviewing several pilot episodes to determine what time-slot would best suit this newest installment of the reality television craze sweeping America. Arnold Shapiro of "Scared Straight" fame and Don Wollman of "Survivor" have teamed up as executive producers on this project. "You're going to love what we do in this show," Shapiro yelled from his armored limo. But while the executives have expressed 'cautious optimism' about the program, most of the target audiences have been downright hostile to it. "This show is an insult to every Arab-American in this country. I cannot imagine what the television executives must be thinking to believe that this would be well received," remarked Eddie Ahmed bin Rashid, Jr. outside a Boston screening. "These men should be hunted down and stopped instead of made into celebrities."

Executives are a little surprised that despite selection of a predominately Arab-American audience to screen the show, the reviews they have received have been overwhelmingly negative. All attempts to interview these executives have been met by studio security personnel in dark glasses, and menacing late night calls suggesting we, "just stay out of it." However, undisclosed sources close to the project have indicated that many CBS executives are "extremely confident" that a successful program can indeed be salvaged from this controversial effort. "We are confident that we will get a show out of all this in time for the fall line-up," Mr. Woffman announced from an undisclosed location.

However, the show's future appears in jeopardy. In a related story, it was announced late today that 48 U.S. Special Forces troops interrupted al Qaeda's filming at a remote location in the Pashtun region of Afghanistan and "voted off" the entire cast after a short fire-fight. Zawarhri was escorted away by Lt. General Bryan "Doug" Brown, Commander of U.S. Special Operations Command, who greeted the number-two man at al Qaeda with an exuberant, "You just got Punk'D, muthaf***ker!" General Brown is widely considered the odds on favorite to be named host of MTV's redesigned, "Punk'D: Afghanistan", expected to air in May.

NewsHax