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My wife had an online affair. How do I cope with all of the questions and doubts that I have?

 
 
Reply Sat 6 Jul, 2013 12:12 pm
About 4 weeks ago I found out that my wife had been having an online affair for about a week using Skype to talk to her lover. They meet on a game forum about three months ago, became friends, then started flirting. Things really heated up after they got on Skype. Now that I have found out about I have had many questions in my head about the affair and doubts about myself. Although we are trying to work on our relationship, I still find myself having issues dealing with these questions and doubts. Any advice I could get would help. Thank you.
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sat 6 Jul, 2013 01:33 pm
@Josephpd5,
Professional help.

Seriously.

I think it would help for you to speak with someone who is impartial and is trained in handling these matters.
0 Replies
 
Below viewing threshold (view)
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Sun 7 Jul, 2013 02:37 am
@Josephpd5,
A few things :

- you simply cannot force your wife to do anything, or be anything to you...that is, coping begins not with what she does, but with you; and

- there are numerous ways of coping, and better coping mechanisms are about that - finding better coping mechanisms for yourself; and

- to find better coping mechanisms, you need to focus on who you are : what you find enjoyable, what you find stress relieving, what you are passionate about (other than your wife), what you find fascinating, what work or exercise wears you out (physical activity is one of the great antidepressants of all time); and

- being outdoors (the sun is also a great anti-depressant), talking about it, being around friends, patting a pet are all part of an effective plan to remind yourself of the things you enjoy in life (other than your wife).

-------------

Next, it seems you need a little perspective. Your wife hasn't even met this man, has she? So she hasn't slept with him? You are then, in a much better position to save your marriage then if it had gone any further...

Is your wife unhappy, or bored, or is she the type to take advantage of circumstances?

The first two you can do something about. Doing something, without expecting results, starts giving power back to yourself (not from the relationship, but from within - and internal power, otherwise known as self belief and self esteem, are necessary to coping). The reason you don't expect results is because, again - you can't control the other person. You do what you do knowing the reasons you do it (for love) are valid and meaningful...and you see if she comes to the party...but if not - you did it because you have a heart of love, understand? If you value a loving heart, you value the 'you' who did this without reservation, yes?

Lastly, as a word of advice - in almost all failed marriages, the guy stopped chasing first. If you think about it, guys build the house, and women furnish it...marriages are the same. If the guy stops building (chasing), the woman eventually stops furnishing.

...of course you do have to recognise when you keep building, and no new furnishings are added - but that' doesn't change the principle.

If you by chance still find that hard to grasp, then ask yourself 'what makes my wife feel desired?" If she doesn't feel desired, what will that result in?

Think about it Smile
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jul, 2013 03:00 am
@Josephpd5,
The questions and doubts, more than likely you are asking of yourself... Why?

If you were to take yourself back to the time that you two met, and then look at the past 12 months what is different, a lot, a little?

Being so fresh. It's difficult to talk together rationally. Blame can occur, anger..

As suggested, seek an outside source to be a mediate and discuss everything together..

Finding out why, is the beginning... Working then towards that understanding in togetherness.

0 Replies
 
Josephpd5
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jul, 2013 07:23 am
Thank you to all of the comments. As for professional help, we are seeing a marriage counselor and over the past few weeks are marriage has improved. Here is the history in a few sentences. We have been married for 13 years. We have two sons. A 8 and 4 year old. I was working at a high paying job and things were good. About 9 years ago I started passing out daily. After going to several doctors, mayo clinic, etc. The doctors put a pace maker in and my condition improved. I still pass out but not as often as I use to. The company I worked for told me to stay home and they put me on there long term disability program, which I still am on. My wife has been a stay at home mom for the majority of our marriage. She just graduated college and has started working within the past 5 weeks. As for the online fling. She has been talking with him and having online sex with him on Skype. We are from the U.S. and he is from the U.K. That's probably the only reason why they haven't meet. I guess the one thing that the affair did wake me up to is one of the points that someone made above. I hadn't been fulfilling all of her needs mainly because I haven't had much self esteem for myself since I hadn't been working and she never really seemed to interested in sex, needing me, believing in me, etc. After I found out about the affair, she told me that she was in love with this man and not in love with me. That he has made her the happiest she has ever been in her life. That they have more in common and that he knows her better, he can tell by the tone in her voice if something is wrong ( which I have always been able to do). She also has said that she wants both of us and if it would make her happy, why I couldn't just be ok with it. Saturday I had a moderate heart attack. The doctors say it had nothing to do with my past medical history and they don't know what really caused it, I don't know if it was stress or not. Since then she has told me that it took me having a heart attack to realize that she is still in love with me and that all of the other thins we still have and she is sorry she hurt me. She has told me that she is not sorry for it happening and would probably have done it again and still be doing it if I hadn't found out. So know I feel confussed. I'm not sure what to really believe. I do love her and would do anything for her. I have begun changing myself over the past month and she tells me that I am meeting all of her needs but its hard to believe. Sorry this post is so long and thank you for reading it.
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Sun 7 Jul, 2013 03:55 pm
@Josephpd5,
Hi Joseph, the length of the post is fine.

With counsellors, just remember that there are goods ones, average ones, and ones that aren't so good. It seems psychology is very much an art form.

With your heart condition, I found it very interesting, purely because a friend of mine had the exact same problem when he was thirty.

His symptoms were that he would pass out 3-4 times per week. He could feel it coming on just a little before hand (I can't remember the exact time frame) and found that if he lay down, the feeling passed and he didn't pass out.

They hooked him up to portable monitors for 2 days. At the end of it they told him that when he passed out his heart stopped beating, and as there were no other reasons they could find for him passing out, they believed he was getting electrical interference to the heart, and that he would need a pacemaker installed.

Luckily for him, 2 days before he was due for his operation, a brain specialist happened to be curious about why a 30 year old was having heart problems and looked at his charts. It turns out that his heart was completely fine and normal, as were the electrical impulses regulating it. The issue was that he had a rare brain condition that occasionally interrupted electrical signals, not to his heart, but to the valves in his veins. What this did was cause his blood to pool in his legs (when he was upright), resulting in little to no blood getting back up to the heart, resulting in the heart stopping beating, resulting in him passing out...hence why, if he lay down prior to passing out, he recovered (because the valves aren't particularly necessary when you are laying down).

Basically - a pacemaker wouldn't have helped him - he would still have passed out.

In terms of your self esteem difficulties from not working - there are things you can do to help improve that. Start a home business (start looking them up online) - the simplest sort that come to mind are ebay businesses. Or you could consider things like woodworking, making cheeses etc (if you have the room and inclination). My younger brother, who became quadraplegic about 3 years ago, is considering studying to become a doctor. Strange? Apparently in Australia, doctors can now make diagnosis' and prescriptions over skype etc. (That's just to point out there are home businesses that even people with severe disabilities can do)

As for what to believe - always believe in respecting yourself (if you don't, then why should anyone else) as a starting point. Once you work out whether an idea or action is respectful to you...then you can work out whether to accept it or not. In a marriage, respect goes both ways...

...it certainly doesn't go both ways if 'you should respect my wishes' results in your needs being disrespected (and again, if you don't respect your needs, why should she). In other words, sometimes there is very good reason to stand up for yourself, and if necessary have a fight (not physical). You can fight respectfully...more easily when you are fighting for your own respect, respecting that they don't see it yet, for their own reasons.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jul, 2013 04:57 pm
@Josephpd5,
I don't think it matters of what you believe, because your brain will toss and turn those beliefs ten fold for a while.

Sorry about your hospitalisation and try not to stress, you are important as well.

I think when our life is full, we are full. If empty we are empty. It's possible that after going on disability and your wife just passing college that there is a shift now, a change occurring in her life. She will be the worker, mingling with people, seeing a different side of the World and obviously, on line as well.

Can you get out and about yourself more and perhaps work part time, be a part of this new life that is occurring? There is nothing wrong at all with being a stay at home Dad, just thinking out loud that in addition, to be able to discuss things other than what the kids did, is probably a good thing for you both as well.

It takes time to re-kindle something that has been lost.

Patience is the only thing you can rely on and work with..
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 8 Jul, 2013 06:51 am
Playing games and then turning that into online sex takes SO much time. I wonder where people get the time to do all that . . .

Your wife was bored and not getting attention from you. So she sought excitement and challenge on the computer. She may be addicted to games, etc.

Unless she stays off the computer, the marriage counseling won't work.

As for you - I hope you will realize that your wife had sex with a computer!! That ought to tell you something about your sex life at home. Educate yourself on how you can please her without putting yourself in physical danger.
Josephpd5
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jul, 2013 09:16 am
@PUNKEY,
She didn't really play the game that much she was on the forum for the game. That's how they got together. As for the comment about the computer, I have had a lot of people say something like that. "That is was only online", She has real intimate feelings for him. It started out with him mostly telling her what they would be doing kind of like a story, and they both got off together. They had sex, not physically but in every other way possible. Most of her mind, and heart is with him now. I know that we need to improve our sex life and I've tried to for the past 13 years. She has never really been into sex at all. Her parents scared her away from it when she was at home. Her mom told her it was nasty and a chore, so she believed it. That's why she only wanted it 1-2 times a month sometimes not even that and I have tried to be patient this entire time. Then when she does finally come out she does so with someone else online. What is that about?
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jul, 2013 12:15 pm
@Josephpd5,
Why not suggest phone sex with her? Then you will find out what she likes and you will find out what all the attraction is for her.


Josephpd5
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 08:50 am
@PUNKEY,
I have suggested it. I even suggested us getting on Skype, but that is something she says was for him and her. She would feel to weird doing it with me.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 01:06 pm
@Josephpd5,
Your wife will not play "games" with YOU and yet she will with some guy in cyber-ville? Yikes, that says a lot about your marriage.

Off to counseling with the two of you. There are issues we are not seeing or able to even deal with. A professional is needed.

Have you taken her away for a romantic weekend or met her at a bar and pretended to pick each other up? You need to put the spice back into your marriage.
Josephpd5
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 02:07 pm
@PUNKEY,
already in counseling.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 04:27 pm
@Josephpd5,
Have you ever considered age.

Just because she was told it was a chore or / and nasty at a young age, doesn't mean that a person as she matures can't make her own decisions especially when it's presented to her in a non-threatening way that she can explore herself and change her thought pattern.

It always takes a man to lead a woman or a woman to lead a man.

Maybe instead of trying, it's time to take the lead and make her feel comfortable in her own skin, with you.

0 Replies
 
Josephpd5
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Jul, 2013 08:27 am
I'm not sure what else I can do. We are going to counseling, she has told me what her needs are and I have changed the way I am so that I can meet her needs. But last night she told me about what and how the sex happened between them. Apparently they had sex 8 times, over a 7 day period, and she told me the main points of the story's (what they would be doing) that he told her. She also told me that she is still in love with him, would still protect\defend him more and before me, that they have a lot in common, and she still has strong feelings for him. She says they haven't been in communication since June 24th, but it's hard to believe that. After all she was very defiant about breaking it off before, and with her feeling so strongly for him it's hard to believe that they aren't talking still. Since my heart attack she has also being telling me that she found out after that, that she never fell out of love with me and she is still in love with me. So the next question that makes me think of is how can you be in love with two different men at the same time and have deep feelings for both?
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Jul, 2013 04:00 pm
@Josephpd5,
She is not in love with this guy, and this guy is using her for Cyber Sex, telling her what's to come and then making a date day after day. What a lucky guy, smart guy..

They say what ever a lonely woman wants to hear. They make that woman feel that it's "ok" to be seductive, intimate, explore their body.. That makes the woman feel more like a woman.. Yet, deceived because when the shirt hits the fan, he will run.

She's in love with the idea of being free.

When someone is gravely ill, the other should be standing right by them... Not turning away.

Tell her to ask this guy to marry her, that she will ask you for a Divorce, get her to attempt to plan a visit to him that she wants to stay with him, move out from you.

Watch him back track and leave her alone, because the game he is playing will then be over.

Then she will grow to dislike him, realising what has just happened.



PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Jul, 2013 04:07 pm
If she is digging in her heels about this fantasy love, then you need to know she will never give it up. It apparently fulfills a real need for her - fantasy as it is.

She may "love" you - I suspect she feels sorry for you since now you are ill.

You need to get a realistic view of what this is: your wife is having an affair - albeit on line - and she will not let it go.

Screw up the courage to give her an ultimatum - give up this fantasy and work on the marriage or let you go so you can find love at this time in your life.
0 Replies
 
hondasg22
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Mar, 2014 02:47 am
@Josephpd5,
Hi, I hear you. I am married for 10 yrs and 3 wks ago found out wife just on iphone all time. Even would sleep w it and not charge when I am around. So once I asked her to see phone, found out she was having affair on this skout app. Guy also from UK and apparently talking for a week. She said it was not emotional, and just online thing. As others have said here, guy seemed to just keep saying what she wanted to hear so he could get her to send pictures or write about sex.

Anyway, long story short. What I did was get people from my church I had full confidence on. And they counseled her. Meantime, I worked on myself asking God to really help me because I could not handle it any longer.

Meantime, given she said it was not important and she was wrong she agreed with restrictions on internet. I put parent protection on all iphones, ipads and macs in the house to increase pain for her to actually continue talking to any other guy on flirt sites. She also agreed I contact him using her username and tell him to get lost.

But the problem I see is not him, but her heart. When will I be fully confident it wont happen again? Think never will. Yes, I will genuinely improve on things I knew missing (attention for her versus attention for my 2 kids) and couple time. But still, I told her she had to be clear her actions could bring consequences. So she should be mature and avoid destroying family by her actions.

I am cheering for you and do hope you find peace as you navigate through this. You are made in God's image.

M. from far east


0 Replies
 
winston1256
 
  1  
Reply Thu 27 Nov, 2014 03:01 am
@Josephpd5,
My wife has done something like that and now she is talking to a younger guy that is married! I am tired of it and ready to file for divorce! Good luck because you are going to need it!
 

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