My parents smoke pot!

Wow - for sure thought are prayers are with you.

Elle--

Welcome to A2K.

Unfortunately, the older you get, the more complicated life becomes.

Realizing that your parents are imperfect people is part of growing up. All the same, you have a right to resent a double standard and to worry about what seems to be increasing substance abuse.

Have you tried to talk with either of them about what you see as a problem? A good opening sentence is, "I'm worried about you and dad drinking and toking up."

Since the situation bothers you, you are going to have to open the discussion--if you want a discussion. I very much doubt that your parents are going to raise the subject.

Why are you worried?

Am I right in thinking that you are more offended by the double standard here than the actual behavior?

The rule of thumb for deciding when Official Intervention is necessary is: "Is the individual a clear and present danger to himself or to other people."

Are your parents drinking and driving? Or just drinking at home. Are they exposing you to unsavory people? Or just to themselves being flawed people rather than parents? Is the pot situation causing financial hardship? Is it interfering with their ability to take care of you--and of any other children in the family?

Do you think that since they are breaking the law that you should turn them over to the police? There are people who would praise you for this--I'm not one of them, but pot is illegal.

I have a rather elderly dog who is passionate about keeping up standards in the neighborhood. She barks and fusses at joggers and dog-walkers and telephone repairmen and the road crew. Now none of these people are actually on her turf--just passing by. Sweet little Iffikins can't tell the difference between a Real Problem and something that is just a little out of the ordinary.

Perhaps your first question is: Do I have a real problem? Is my parents' behavior harming me in any demonstrable way? ("Feeling uncomfortable" doesn't really count here. "Feeling uncomfortable" is like dear little Iffikins appointing herself Monitor of the Block.

You say you are sixteen--this is old enough to handle role reversal (Child evaluating Parent rather than Parent evaluating Child)

We're here if you want to talk the problem out. Good luck.

Thanks
Thank you both very much for your prayers and advice. What you've said, Noddy, makes a lot of sense. I guess what I'm worried about is not only my parents' health, but the consequences of their actions. I also am scared that my parents may be depressed and are resorting to drugs, etc. as a way out of their unhappiness. My dad writes a traffic column for a widely-read newspaper and if he was caught with drugs, or worse, had an accident under the influence, it could ruin his career and destroy my family.

No, their habit isn't harming me, and no, I completely refuse to turn them in to the cops - what they choose to do is their business, not mine. But when it could seriously harm the safety and/or stability of my family, I have to worry.

Thank you again for your understanding and reply. It helps a lot to know that someone out there can give you support.

Elle--

Thanks for your kind words. A2K is full of people who want to help.

If you want a sounding board after you talk to your parents, we're here.

Hold your dominion.

One of the hardest things about becoming an adult is the growing realization that parents are not the supermen and superwomen that the young child idolized.

I think that Noddy gave you some very wise advice. I would like to add one thing. Do not, for one minute, think that you are responsible for "fixing" your parents. You are not. You are at a point in life where your concern need to be your future.

If you can open a dialogue with your mother, fine. Be careful though about having unrealistic expectations of the result of your efforts.You might want to tell her how you feel, tell her how her and your father's behavior is bothering you. Try not to get into a blame game or guilt trip.

I think that you should be very proud of yourself that you are an excellent student, and have made a conscious decision not to use drugs. Those decisions will stand you in good stead as you approach adulthood.

I don't know your parents, so I have no idea as to what their reaction will be. But I think that you will feel better for getting your thoughts out into the open. Good Luck!

Hi Elle - I have just a couple points to make beyond what Noddy and Phoenix have said. They are both very thoughtful and good advice givers. Listen to them well.

While there is a double standard about drug taking and alcohol usage, you are under-aged. You are supposed to obey their rules even if they are hypocritical (and so long as their fun doesn't harm you).

Also, are you sure that the grug use has picked up? Or could it be that you have a better eye for it now?

I think the whole porn thing would bug me out worse than the pot smoking.

I had a friend in 6th, 7th and 8th grades who had pot-smoking parents. With her family, it was out in the open. They passed the joint around the dinner table before getting up. Any under-aged person could smoke with them if they had parental permission to do so. The family had a son and daughter. The son was a pot smoker as well. The daughter, my friend, was a straight A student and very talented ballerina. I lost track of the family so I can't tell you how everything turned out.

My philosophy is "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." I don't think it applies in your case though... in fact, I wouldn't advise it at all. But I can name some situations in which it did work. Like when the Romans were up against the Etruscan empire, in 200 A.D. They knew they weren't going to win, so what did they do? They surrendered to Etruscia, and they all lived peacefully. The rest, of course, is history.

Such wise folks noddy and phoenix are...

Yes they are.

I can understand Elle's disappointment in her parents. Even at the age of 16, she wants them to be as responsible as they've taught her to be. Nothing wrong with that! She's right, they are putting the family in jeopardy. It's too bad they haven't lived up to her expectations, but that doesn't mean she should lower her standards for herself. Elle is at that difficult age where she will have to start tolerating questionable behavior by others...adults and her peers as well.

I'm betting you can handle it, Elle. Whatever you do, don't compromise your own standards. No matter WHAT your standards are, everyone won't agree with you, so above all, be true to yourself.

I think the Beach Boys said it best when they said, "To thine own self be true."

Beach Boys...ha ha ha!

Oh... wait, they said "be true to your school/girl"...

I think, you should talk with your parents. imho everybody is free to do anything he wants, as long as he doesn't harm others. in your stead I'd ask my parents to "behave" at least until I moved out.

deleted