The Moon

Forums: Poetry, Original Writing, Writing, Creative Writing, Poems
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The lonely moon
whom sits euphorically
in the darken sky

Alone
for centuries
announcing persistently
the constant night

Capturing imagination
which misguided, leads into
The were-wolf's bite
at full

O the misinterpretation
of the one
who swims
in the black

Outshining the stars
inspiring the dreams
behind the eyelids
overdosed in the sandman's
grains

In these dreams we see
the very core in the deep
so easily forgotten
and from consciousness, sunder
upon awake

But I
remember the lonely
moon
But I
can relate

The moon
who shines and sits
in the midnight sky
and beyond

The moon
I announce thee
as my long lost
brother

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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,150 • Replies: 18

[+3] - Setanta - 11/30/2012Oh man, you language Nazi . . .

@JTG198904,

Suggestions
Check out case grammar with respect to vocative (O) and dative (whom). Also check difference between present (awake) and present continuous (awaking).

1 Reply

Oh man, you language Nazi . . .

1 Reply

@Setanta,

Jahwohl! Aber ve haf no vay off imposing unserer Korrekturen !

(Maybe one who aspires to figure skating should learn to tie his boots)

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@fresco,

Are you suggesting that there's a vocative case in English?

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@joefromchicago,

No. The writer fails to discriminate between the Latin vocative which translates as "O", with the English exclamatory "Oh". This is apparent from one of his earlier poems (Patches the Cat). I consider potential counter arguments citing "poetic licence" to be weak because this is only one of several instances of grammatical aberration none of which can be justifed by idiosyncratic syntax to enhance poetic impact.

1 Reply

@fresco,

Congratulations, you've pointed out my flaws. You seem to be going out of your way to do this. And I will say this to you in the hopes that you will stop your endless quest "I could care less, I write what I write, like it or hate it, but it's my words. So please, move on to another poet who cares about grammar."

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@JTG198904,

My comments, believe or or not, were to encourage you to temper your creativity with a little more care and attention, rather than churn out endless (sic) egocentric streams of consciousness. It is your proliferation which draws attention to yourself, and you should be prepared to accept that quantity and quality can be antagonistic.

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@fresco,

Honestly Fresco, I consider you to be my "training grounds". So thank you, please, DON'T stop being an ass hole to me. Please, criticize EVERYTHING I write. Tell me how much of an egocentric bastard I am, tell me how much I "plagiarize" other "already famous" poet's poetry. Please, say the most low down, dirtiest (but keep it intelligent) things to me. You are only going to help me get better. And I promise you, I am going to TRY my best yo piss you off. All in all, I am thankful for your existence. Thank you Fresco. Smile

1 Reply

@JTG198904,

(Posted also on cat thread)
I draw your attention to the fact that this forum is ostensibly designed for those exchanging"expert advice". You are certainly entitled to question my "expertise", but not the spirit in which it is offered. If you merely want to display your prolific output for the purposes of kudos, you are in the wrong place. There are plenty of specific poetry websites on which you can present your work.

BTW Your attempts at poetry are better than those at irony !

1 Reply

@fresco,

Well thank you for your expertise. Regardless if it has been positive or not, it has fueled me in some way. And I promise you, I hope to "grammatically/semantically" butcher the English language as long as I live. So if you really love reading things you really dislike, maybe even despise, please read ANYTHING I write. I won't disappoint.

1 Reply

@JTG198904,

You don't get it. I do NOT dislike the material, ( common though some of the themes are ), I dislike your pretentious and proprietorial attitude to it which tends to be used as a smokescreen or excuse for your technical shortcomings.

Take care ! Your adolescent threat to continue to "butcher the language" merely suggests what you have produced thus far is approximately worthy of high school magazine status in which rebellious youth flexes its self assertiveness over "the establishment." Try moving on a bit!

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@fresco,

This video correctly explains how you make me feel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87nkJquHnAU

^^^ this is deep stuff bro

1 Reply

@JTG198904,

Sorry. I don't do ephemeral pop culture, nor do I care what today's version of "yourself" has to say. My suggestion that you "move on" should be taken as one that requires you to try take an objective view of "self" rather than an indulgent one. As one writer put it ( whom I often quote)

Quote:

One of man’s important mistakes, is his illusion in regard to his I. His I changes as quickly as his thoughts, feelings and moods, and he makes a profound mistake in considering himself always one and the same person; in reality he is always a different person, not the one he was a moment ago.
Man has no permanent and unchangeable I. Every thought, every mood, every desire, every sensation, says "I".
Man has no individual I. But there are, instead, hundreds and thousands of separate small "I"s, very often entirely unknown to one another, never coming into contact, or, on the contrary, hostile to each other, mutually exclusive and incompatible. Each minute, each moment, man is saying or thinking, "I". And each time his I is different. Just now it was a thought, now it is a desire, now a sensation, now another thought, and so on, endlessly. Man is a plurality. Man's name is legion.

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@fresco,

Calm down, that last post was just a joke... in no way does that silly but "Intense" video by Mark Gormley reflect how I feel about anything (and if it did, that wouldn't make any sense since clearly the song is about his longing for the one he loves)... it was for my own amusement. I got a good laugh out of it x)

Plus I should point out that I was drunk about 95% of our dispute, and I'm not sure why you even continued on with my nonsense.

1 Reply

@JTG198904,

Perfectly calm I assure you. Note that one of your more recent offerings (Ignorant Bus) touches on one episode of your awareness the nature of "self" described in the quotation. If you want to read one of my own poetic renderings on this refer to...
http://able2know.org/topic/4549-1
( I have subsequently modified the first two lines so that it scans better. )

1 Reply

@fresco,

thanks but I honestly don't care Fresco

1 Reply

@JTG198904,

....which I was that ? Wink

1 Reply

@fresco,

The I that doesn't care >.> lol

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The Moon

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