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Sat 6 Mar, 2004 09:44 pm
Ok, guys, I got a problem here. Make sure you don't tell any of the women about this either -- it's a bit embarrassing and I don't feel like taking their crap if they find out what happened.
Here's the deal: I was reading through the various threads and the one about the guy getting his penis stuck in the padlock caught my eye. I didn't even bother opening the thread. I just stared at the headline, then at the padlock attached to my gun case. Headline... padlock....headline....padlock..... headline....padlock.
My head swiveled back and forth. I kept on nursing my whiskey, my thoughts tormenting me. Then, I couldn't take it any longer. I raced across the room and mounted that damn padlock.
NOW MY FRIGGIN' PENIS IS STUCK IN THE DAMN THING!!!!!
I can barely reach the keyboard to type this message. And when I do.... damn, it hurts like hell. Got the picture?
Any ideas how I can get my penis out of the padlock? It's wedged in there pretty good.
And remember.... don't tell the women about this!
Cutting torch. I'm pretty sure the little feller will shrink smaller than the keyhole you've gotten stuck in long before the lock even begins to warm up. In various circles this is known as the "blue tip wrench" and the "master key."
Hahahahahaha!
How about some vegetable oil Gus? Make it cold...yer gonna need that shrivel factor!
Good idea, Rog, but how can I get to my cutting torch?
That's out in the tool shed.
Goddamn it, Caprice! Get outta here!
Think about scalpels...that oughtta help.....
Doesn't the Bible say that if a member offends thee cut it off and cast it from thee? Right now I think you should be really pissed at Mr. Happy. Downright offended if you catch my drift....
Spare the rod and spoil the Ratzen?
gustavratzenhofer wrote:Goddamn it, Caprice! Get outta here!
Heeee!!! You can't put up a title like that and expect me to stay out, can ya?
I still think my idea is the best. Cold oil. And just think...afterwards you'll be all greased up for whatever twisted fantasy takes hold of your desires next!
If you can't get to the shed, I think you're going to have to create your own lubricant, if you know what I mean.
I'm here for ya, Gustav. Some have other names for this... I call it a slingblade. Hold still now -
Just for tonight gus, I'm a guy in disguise.
Mind over matter, gus. Think about Slappy in tube socks.
Yeah, it looks like you're going to have to chop the little sucker off! Don't worry, it's like a starfish. It'll grow back.
men only?? pish tosh.
what's up? Im ready to part-ee...
gus - you hurt a bit huh? s'okay....it'll heal
Okay, forget the cutting torch. Now, my take on the situation is that you are basically padlocked to the gun safe. Right? Okay, a new idea springs to mind. You're not going to like it, but I think it's worth a shot - so to speak. Oh, and let me steer you away from using one of the shotguns. . . .
Can't he wrench the whole cabinet off the wall, and take it with him?
By now, I presume that the portion of the member below the obstruction will have swollen to an enormous size, and will be very painful - _ think Gus is gonna have to stagger to the phone, and call 911.
Don't worry - they won't laugh at you - in front of you, that is. Of course, the entire hospital will know within seconds, and staff will come running to look at the doofus - but nemmind.
And Gus, you really ought to be consulting with women about these things - not trying to exclude us. For instance, you ought to have consulted a woman before putting your johnson in that damn padlock in the first place - after all, who more expert than we in keeping men's thingies out of tight places? Hmmmmmmmmmmm?
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