Communicating with my wife

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So for as long as I can remember I have been interested in tying up women. I don't know where this comes from or why I like it so much, but I just always have. In fact it has become such a huge part of what I find attractive that bondage-free sex just doesn't quite compare. Don't get me wrong, I still like having sex the plain old fashioned way, it just isn't as good. Up until I got married about two years ago, this had never caused me any problems because all of my sexual partners had been at least somewhat receptive to the idea of being tied up and so I could get my fix every couple of months.

However, my wife is absolutely opposed to the idea of me tying her up and it is beginning to cause some strain in our physical relationship. It's not because I absolutely cannot control myself or anything like that, it's more like... whenever I try to take charge in bed at all she says that I'm too rough and that she doesn't want to sleep with me anymore.

Tonight for example, we had just spent the past two hours watching a movie and talking about how we were going to have sex afterwards, then after the movie was over we went upstairs and she teasingly asks if we're still going to have sex. I, of course, told her that we definitely were. Then she said that she decided she didn't want to. I assumed that she was joking by her tone and by the fact that we had been talking about it all night and so I gently pinned her arms at her side and said that not having sex was not an option, using the same joking tone she had used.

But then my wife got really mad and said forget it that I'm too forceful and that there was no way she wanted to have sex with me. Now we're in separate rooms and I'm struggling to understand what happened. I didn't hold her tight, I didn't hurt her for sure, I really feel like one thing was communicated to me and then another thing was delivered. I feel really confused. If anyone thinks that I really was too forceful I would definitely like to hear your thoughts. I DO like to be in control in the bedroom, but I know my wife hates it and so it's not something I usually even play around with.

I guess I feel that I'm being made to feel like a freak for my sexual preferences. She made it very clear that that was how she felt about the issue of me tying her up and so that never happened, I haven't done that in two years despite the fact that it is my one and only sexual preference. I can respect that people have differing views on what is acceptable in bed. But this? I feel like this is going too far. I love my wife so much, but our sexual relationship is miserable and just makes me feel like crap. Talking it out hasn't led anywhere productive. I just need some advice. Thanks.

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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 2,205 • Replies: 7

You say you have tried talking. My suggestion is to take it to a sex therapist. If your wife won't go, then go alone.

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It feels good to be single.

David

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@apathy111,

It's quite possible (actually most likely) that there are things that aren't being said in this relationship.

It also sounds like there might be a sexual compatibility issue...but even if there is, there may be common ground. All of that is only discovered through honest communication.

If you can't communicate openly & honestly with her (and there may be issues on both sides preventing this), and it's vitally important to the long term health of your relationship ...then a therapist is where you may need to go.

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@apathy111,

apathy111 wrote:

So for as long as I can remember I have been interested in tying up women. I don't know where this comes from or why I like it so much, but I just always have. In fact it has become such a huge part of what I find attractive that bondage-free sex just doesn't quite compare. Don't get me wrong, I still like having sex the plain old fashioned way, it just isn't as good. Up until I got married about two years ago, this had never caused me any problems because all of my sexual partners had been at least somewhat receptive to the idea of being tied up and so I could get my fix every couple of months.

However, my wife is absolutely opposed to the idea of me tying her up and it is beginning to cause some strain in our physical relationship. It's not because I absolutely cannot control myself or anything like that, it's more like... whenever I try to take charge in bed at all she says that I'm too rough and that she doesn't want to sleep with me anymore. Assuming you mean sleep and not have sex then she is escalating here, which is an attempt to stay in control.

Tonight for example, we had just spent the past two hours watching a movie and talking about how we were going to have sex afterwards, then after the movie was over we went upstairs and she teasingly asks if we're still going to have sex. I, of course, told her that we definitely were. Then she said that she decided she didn't want to. she was taunting you. I assumed that she was joking by her tone and by the fact that we had been talking about it all night and so I gently pinned her arms at her side and said that not having sex was not an option, using the same joking tone she had used.

But then my wife got really mad and said forget it that I'm too forceful and that there was no way she wanted to have sex with me. Now we're in separate rooms and I'm struggling to understand what happened. I didn't hold her tight, I didn't hurt her for sure, I really feel like one thing was communicated to me and then another thing was delivered. You were baited, and went the wrong way so far as she is concerned. You were supposed to say "what ever you want dear", and in return you would have gotten great sex as a reward for being a good boy.I feel really confused. Google "gas lighting" If anyone thinks that I really was too forceful I would definitely like to hear your thoughts. I DO like to be in control in the bedroom, but I know my wife hates it and so it's not something I usually even play around with.

I guess I feel that I'm being made to feel like a freak for my sexual preferences. no doubt about it She made it very clear that that was how she felt about the issue of me tying her up and so that never happened, I haven't done that in two years despite the fact that it is my one and only sexual preference. I can respect that people have differing views on what is acceptable in bed. But this? I feel like this is going too far. I love my wife so much, but our sexual relationship is miserable and just makes me feel like crap. Talking it out hasn't led anywhere productive. I just need some advice. Thanks.

Do a better job of picking your woman next time. If this one has any redeeming qualities you might want to try to stay with her. You will need to get your good sex elsewhere however, and if this one ever finds out about it she is likely to go full psycho bitch on you though. Do you want a woman who needs to control sex always and who is generally emotionally abusive? Me, I would toss her back and go get a better one.

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@hawkeye10,

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Do a better job of picking your woman next time.

Couldn't agree more.

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If this one has any redeeming qualities you might want to try to stay with her.

Cynical way to view things.

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You will need to get your good sex elsewhere however, and if this one ever finds out about it she is likely to go full psycho bitch on you though.

You expect that she wouldn't get upset? Jumping to conclusions abut the 'psycho bitch' degree of reaction though aren't you?

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Do you want a woman who needs to control sex always

Another cynical way of looking at it.

She is certainly entitled to not want to be tied up.

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and who is generally emotionally abusive?

Dear god, what she did hardly rates on the scale of emotional abuse to an extent that it requires separation. A good sit and talk would likely sort out where each came from.

This seems more like an incompatibility. The OP is entitled to his preferences in bed, as is his wife. Neither is right or wrong in this. And where there is incompatibilities, power struggles occur all the time. Combine this with the information in the post and there is hardly reason to call the wife controlling, emotionally abusive, with references to dubious redeeming qualities and suggestions that she needs to be tossed out and traded in (though separating may eventually be necessary - your post Hawkeye certainly comes across as a woman hating post...where no hate is warranted - just an acknowledgement of incompatibility, and each persons right to their own sexual preferences)

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@apathy111,

This sort of situation is what I consider to be a major problem with the marriage concept.

First of all if you knew this about yourself then why didn't you make sure that she would always be into this sort of thing prior to marrying her? Did you not think it was important at the time? Or were you not as into it as you are now? It seems to me this is a mistake on your part and you have to honestly address it in this way.

Since you neglected to makes sure she was into it prior to marriage then you must deal with the fact that shes not into it. You can't blame her, only your self on this one. So you need to be considerate on this aspect and don't be an expecting dick or else you are an asshole for expecting something that she wasn't expecting in the marriage.

If she knew it was important to you prior to marriage and that it would be something she would have to addres in the marriage but now is renegging on it and refusing to acknowledge it now that you are married then this is totally her being the asshole. If she knew this was important to you then she needs to respect this about you and doesn't have the right to cut you off in my opinion.

I am not saying that you need to be forced into sexual situations but something needs to be worked out. Either allow you to have sex with someone else who is willing to appeal to your bondage fettish or she needs to buck up and deal with it from time to time. If shes not willing to do that for you then I don't see why you should have to suffer. If it is not something you can sacrafice for the relationship then you might have to move on to someone else who is actually willing.

I know not all relationships are about sex and there are other investments that come into the relationship that can be jeapodized if you decide to end it. So you got to ask yourself how important it is to you and what you are willing to lose if it is something you can't go without. There is a cost for everything in life, so you should figure out how pricy of an issue this is for you and then explore all your options. Keep talking to her and see what she is willing to allow or work with.

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Simple:
She wanted you to beg and be submissive.
You wanted to dominate and be aggressive.
Not a good mix.

But ---
what do you mean "tie up"? With rope? with scarves, handcuffs?

You held her arms to her side and she got upset. That should have given you a signal that your tactics do not work with her.

She set expectations all night and then said she didn't feel like it. Perhaps she was teasing and wanted more foreplay. Her tactics don't work with you.

You say your sex life is "crap." Clearly, you and she are not on the same page, sexually.

Don't have any advice. But knowledge helps make a decision.

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Communicating with my wife

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