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So BIG Changes

 
 
Reply Thu 29 Sep, 2011 05:19 pm
Looks like we finally found a really good group home for Bi-Polar Jr. Been looking a long time for the right one. He'll be 29 in November and he needs this. I know it's best for him but I am going to have a terrible time letting him go. I'll be completely alone for the first time and I know it will take some adjusting. I've always had these premonitions and dreams that the only reason I was still alive was to care for Stephen and that after I've finished that job whatever powers that be will no longer have use for me and will take me. Stupid I realize, but one can't help unasked for and uninvited feelings.

I love my cubs, all of them, and I know this is best for Stephen in the big picture. It's rough though. One of the few things I never ever REALLY wanted was to grow old and die alone. Man proposes God ( or whatever) disposes. Laughing
 
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Sep, 2011 05:25 pm
@blueveinedthrobber,
you'll still needa be around to keep the group home folks in line, trust me...

So, you gonna advertise for a roommate now?
blueveinedthrobber
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Sep, 2011 05:27 pm
@Rockhead,
HELL No. I've been let down by plenty enough people in my life thank you.
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Sep, 2011 05:30 pm
@blueveinedthrobber,
Awwww, you, my darling, are a good daddy.

Stephen's gonna need you for a long, long time.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 29 Sep, 2011 05:45 pm
@blueveinedthrobber,
You are a mighty good dad.

Stephen is going need you forever.

~~~~

Don't forget about those grandkids and great-grandkids that still need training in how best to wear spandex.
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Sep, 2011 05:46 pm
@boomerang,
boomerang wrote:

Awwww, you, my darling, are a good daddy.

Stephen's gonna need you for a long, long time.

Seconded.
0 Replies
 
blueveinedthrobber
 
  2  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 05:19 am
Before I sound like too much of a martyr I am, God forbid me, looking forward to a rest from always having in the back of my mind if I'm out and Stephen's at home, or Stephen is out walking or at Karate or something that he might have a seizure and hurt himself. In addition to be perfectly honest I am sometimes weary of talking about WWE, and which movies he wants to rent or buy (he collects movies) 24/7. I've also turned down work in the past or lost work back when I still had my games and rides company because I employed Stephen to help with setup and tear down but he would occasionally have a seizure on the job and then the event planners wouldn't want to have us back because the seizures were disconcerting to see. I should be able to take any work that comes my way now without worrying about Stephen being alone for the evening or finding someone to stay with him if I get an out of town opportunity so it will probably raise my income, which I need to pay for my meds.

I can't shake feeling guilty though every time I think of something that I'll sort of like about being alone. Sucks, don't it?
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 06:22 am
@blueveinedthrobber,
I know where you're coming from and I think you're very brave to talk about it. It's hard to talk about, that guilt you get from just wanting easier for even a few minutes. It really kind of eats away at you.

I don't know Stephen but this might be a really good move for him. It sounds like you've taken the time to make sure there is a good fit with the group he'll be living with. I think that if it gives you the opportunity to take care of yourself that you'll both probably better enjoy the time you spend together.
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 06:51 am
@boomerang,
What she said.
0 Replies
 
blueveinedthrobber
 
  4  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 06:51 am
@boomerang,
This WILL be a good move for him and that's what matters. We DO enjoy a lot of our time together but of course like any other father/son combo we have had and do have our moments. It's the natural order of things that children grow up and leave home and I want Stephen to have that feeling of independence and live the most unfettered life he possibly can. Having said that, I will NEVER close my doors to him or any of my other cubs either. **** happens.

I do plan to work as much as humanly possible and salt away some cash so I don't end up having to live with one of my cubs in MY dotage. I can imagine when I start losing what little sense of restraint I have, I'll be a real handful. Let some pros deal with it. Laughing
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 10:13 am
@blueveinedthrobber,
Preparing a child to live life without you is the single hardest thing in the world. It's a hundred small decisions made in a split second every single day and a few huge and haunting decisions made over time.

You're doing good.
0 Replies
 
BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 10:35 am
@blueveinedthrobber,
Your love of your cubs convinced me that's why you are one of my favorite A2Kers and why I've followed your life throughout your posts.

BBB
blueveinedthrobber
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 12:26 pm
@BumbleBeeBoogie,
aw shucks Embarrassed
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 12:54 pm
@blueveinedthrobber,
blueveinedthrobber wrote:

Before I sound like too much of a martyr I am, God forbid me, looking forward to a rest from always having in the back of my mind if I'm out and Stephen's at home, or Stephen is out walking or at Karate or something that he might have a seizure and hurt himself. In addition to be perfectly honest I am sometimes weary of talking about WWE, and which movies he wants to rent or buy (he collects movies) 24/7.

I can't shake feeling guilty though every time I think of something that I'll sort of like about being alone. Sucks, don't it?


I know exactly what you mean bear, believe me.

It's drains everything inside you, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You love someone so much, but you have to reclaim a part of you, just for yourself.

0 Replies
 
George
 
  3  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 03:11 pm
It's good to hear that you are putting a plan in place.
I'm still futzing around about how to get my son some level of independence.
I really hope this works out well for Papa Bear and Cub.
Good luck!
blueveinedthrobber
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 03:21 pm
In NC, all this has to go through a mental health services case worker. This normally takes months but being the persistent and pushy Bear I am I met them this am and they're doing a home visit Monday and we're getting this fast tracked. Only problem is I'm working out of town Saturday and this doesn't give me much time to get the meth lab packed up and out of the way.
0 Replies
 
blueveinedthrobber
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Sep, 2011 03:22 pm
@George,
hang in there dude, I have TOTAL empathy. I didn't know you cared for a handicapped adult child. It's got it's moments n'est-ce pas?
0 Replies
 
Finn dAbuzz
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Oct, 2011 10:55 pm
@blueveinedthrobber,
blueveinedthrobber wrote:

I've always had these premonitions and dreams that the only reason I was still alive was to care for Stephen and that after I've finished that job whatever powers that be will no longer have use for me and will take me. Stupid I realize, but one can't help unasked for and uninvited feelings.



It is stupid, but tell that to your watery bowels when you wake up in a cold sweat.

The funny thing about premonitions is that after the dreaded date or event comes and go and you haven't been sucked into the abyss, you have a tendency to forget you every had them. Too busy obsessing about the new ones I guess.

Being alone will be strange I'm sure. Except for a 9 month period when I lived here in Texas and the wife was back in Charlotte selling our house, I haven't been alone since August of 1972. The 9 months wasn't too bad (in fact I kind of enjoyed it) but I went back to Charlotte at least once a month and I knew it was temporary.

In any case, you have a long time before you die, and there's no reason you still have to be alone when you do. It's not like you're really alone now with all those kids and grandkids. (Don't you have a great grandkid too?)

0 Replies
 
blueveinedthrobber
 
  4  
Reply Tue 4 Oct, 2011 06:36 am
Yeah I do. We're all scattered all over the place though.

We had a home visit yesterday with the guy who makes the recommendations for Stephen to qualify for the services so he can get the placement. It's a lot of red tape and you know once you're in the system everything must be documented. Very nice fellow though and we all agree Stephen will thrive in this situation.

Every day I'm reminding myself of good things this will lead to for BOTH of us, but it's going to be more difficult for more me than Stephen I think. There are some pluses though. I've turned down work over the years especially when squinney and I were separated the first time and he was younger but now as well because I didn't want to leave him alone but now I plan to work as much as I possibly can , pop off this early social security and TRY to find some kind of healthcare policy. (I'm not optimistic there though) I'll also be able to get out and socialize a little more which will be good for business. In my line of work a lot of schmoozing is a plus. I'd love to be able to try and get some medical attention for this worsening problem with my neck and for some odd reason I'd like to continue purchasing insulin and staying out of renal failure or a diabetic stroke. Laughing

I have a dj buddy that is leaving his wife and wants to move in which will help me transistion and finish out this lease even though I don't want a roommate. The money will be helpful as well, as I'm pouring every extra dime I have into building my business back up. I don't want to downsize even more, but I can if finances dictate, but I need to finish out this lease and make sure the bedroom is available for Stephen in the highly unlikely event something didn't work out. In addition, his SSI will JUST cover the cost of the home, so his telephone, Karate and other discretionary spending I'll have to pick up from now on.

Oddly, the one thing I'm not even thinking about, which a friend brought up to me the other night, is being free to pursue new romance, both short and long term, if you take my meaning. After drifting around as a young man I finally found the love of my life and after a lot of years it didn't work out. I have no interest in having to go through all the bullshit of trying again. I'd rather watch TV with my cats and masturbate when necessary. Less drama and for sure I'll hold on to more of my money. Laughing

I love all my cubs but I have an especially strong attachment to BPB JR., probably because he needs more help than the others because of his disability and partly because of my shitty childhood full of rejection and bullying, not to sound like a whiner. Because I was ill treated by the "system" growing up and because I had to fight tooth and nail constantly for Stephen not to be swept into the corner, things way beyond the general parental advocacy I tried to provide for the 2 younger cubs (and I think i did a good job). Also partially because of the guilt feelings I have for not being around much for the older 2 because I was pursuing a career and just a youngster myself. We do have a close and warm relationship though and talk all the time.

I have mental illness in my family background, a lot of chronic depression and several suicides, and it's been a long struggle for me to keep myself straight to be honest and I'm tired from the fight. I think I did it though, and as soon as Stephen is on the path to a whole life independent of me, which is as it should be, and is happy I'll feel like I at least won THAT war. I have full confidence my 2 younger cubs will do well, my 2 older ones have, and my grandson turned out very well rounded, responsible and I have no doubt he will be a great dad to my great grandson.

Sorry for the rambling, but talking about this is helpful and it's easier to talk behind the relative anonymity of the keyboard than to other people here and really I only have one close friend and squinney to talk to . It's odd that I don't much give a **** what people think, therefore I don't try to hide my skeletons or feelings, but on the other hand I have tremendous trust issues and don't really let people in.

Maybe I just need to get laid. Twisted Evil

Meanwhile I have to go digging for Stephen's school record and evaluations for this guy, so off I go. I'm so glad I saved all that stuff over the years. Thanks for listening. Feel free to call me a whiny pussy. I don't give a ****.
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Oct, 2011 06:42 am
Keep talking, bear. You're doing precisely what you need to do for all of you.
0 Replies
 
 

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