Relationship Insecurities

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Hi guys,

I've made a lot of discussions concerning my current relationship. It seems I have a lot to talk about in this one. What can I say? He's perfect for me. I truly believe that I've met the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. We've talked about marriage after grad school. It seems a while away, but I'm certain that he's the one for me. He makes me feel good about myself. He makes me happy.

The thing is, I haven't always had such happy relationships. I've had a lot of really, really bad ones. And basically, I'm a really insecure person in a relationship now.

Since he left for school 3 hours away from me, those insecurities have been popping up and showing their ugly faces more and more. And he's starting to see them. I worry all the time about if he's going to stop feeling things for me. I worry that I upset him, or that I did something wrong. And when we talk about these insecurities I have, I worry that I freak him out and that my emotions are too much for him. Most of the time I know that I'm being irrational. I know that he loves me. I know that he's a good man and that he's there for me. But these thoughts take over my mind and leave me feeling so...on edge...all the time. The past two nights our telephone conversations have ended in crying discussion over my feelings. Things that wouldn't normally upset me with him now make me so upset that I cry.

Basically, this is the guy for me. I don't want to let insecurities from my past relationships ruin this amazing one. Any advice?

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anybody? I'm having trouble sleeping thinking about this.

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@Dosed,

Quote:

.... Most of the time I know that I'm being irrational. I know that he loves me. I know that he's a good man and that he's there for me. But these thoughts take over my mind and leave me feeling so...on edge...all the time. The past two nights our telephone conversations have ended in crying discussion over my feelings. Things that wouldn't normally upset me with him now make me so upset that I cry.

Basically, this is the guy for me. I don't want to let insecurities from my past relationships ruin this amazing one. Any advice?

Hello, Dosed

I'm by no means any sort of relationship expert (I think they're all asleep right now. They'll be here in a few hours. Smile

), but am responding on the run because you sound so concerned & unhappy.

It seems to me that you think you're behaving irrationally & you don't know why. And that you're really worried that this irrational behaviour might impact on your relationship.

I know this sounds like a cliché, but why not get some insight from a good counselor, to better understand why you a re behaving in a way that makes no sense to you? .... & also to learn some new strategies to better cope with your anxiety. I think that is what I would do in a similar situation, anyway ...

Could I ask you if this sort of anxiety applies only to this relationship or if you are generally an anxious sort of person?

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Looks like you finally got to sleep, Dosed.
That's good.
I hope you're feeling a bit better in the morning. Smile

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Dosed,

I know you don't want to push this guy away - but that's exactly what you will do if you don't get your emotions under control. Men don't like to be smothered. Too much drama!! You are coming off as being desperate, too.

These feelings of yours may not end even when he is near.

There is a source for them and you must dig that out and get rid of it, because it is causing you to be unhappy. Please find a female counselor who can help you sort all this out.

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@Dosed,

Are you in school right now?

How busy are you in general?

(I ask because of my experience -- I was with my boyfriend for a couple of years and all was well, then I had a period after I graduated, before I found a job, and before I decided to go back to grad school because I couldn't find a job, where I didn't have nearly enough to do. During this one period, I became irrationally jealous and had to really focus to get myself out of it. That was maybe four months out of the almost 20 years we've been together. Deciding to go back to grad school was part of it -- once I became busy, I stopped worrying about that stuff.)

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@sozobe,

Yep, I'd say a full life is not only more fulfilling (so you get positive strokes from people who aren't him and situations he isn't in), but you also fill up your time. When you're trying to get a report out on time under deadline pressure, or walking 20 barking dogs at a time or giving CPR or making flapjacks for 300 people or whatever your profession is, you don't have the time for going over things over and over again. It doesn't necessarily mean that all of those thoughts magically, automatically go away, but it does tend to curb them.

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Just so you guys know, I did make an appointment with my counselor today. I'm feeling a little bit better, but I'm still a little paranoid. I'm going to see him tomorrow. Any advice on how I should handle the situation if it comes up in conversation? Like, should I talk to him about it and tell him that I'm getting better? Or should I just ignore it. Keep in mind this is a recent thing. I haven't really shown this side of me to him yet.

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Who is "him"? the boyfriend or the counselor?

Your boyfriend already knows about this, if conversations are ending with you in tears. You might share with him that being apart is causing you anxiety, so you are seeing someone to help you cope with your feelings.

These are things you talk about with a mental health counselor, not an academic counselor. But you can ask for a referral to someone who can help you get your emotions on even keel.

ASK for help!!

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@PUNKEY,

lol, I know that. there are mental health counselors on my campus. I called this morning and left a message saying I wanted an appointment. no reply yet!

In any case, I'm feeling a lot better. I think I have just been really stressed and being apart has been kind of sucky, if I'm honest. I think I'm gonna be fine. It's just a matter of realizing those thoughts are irrational and then telling them to screw off. I'm worried I freaked him out, but I decided that when we talk I'm just going to let him know that I'm fine and sometimes I just need to toughen up a bit. Everyone has got their demons, and these are mine. But, I'm definitely not going to let them mess up what I got with my boyfriend. He's far to good to let that happen.

As always, thanks for the help guys. I know I can always count on ya. Wink

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@Dosed,

Dosed, after I read your last post I really wished that I was your boyfriend just so I could hold you and tell you that everything was going to be fine. But I'm not, and I can't so I'll just send you a big HUG instead. You sound really nice, and I'm sure your boyfriend wants to care for you and make you feel safe.

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@Dosed,

Dosed, stressed and probably also because it takes a bit of time getting used to someone being a distance from you and only a telephone for communication, especially when you are in a happy place with that person:)

If I could make a suggestion to you other than what the others have made that you have followed up on, and that's great, is to forget your past in as much as, you have found what you want in a man, and he loves you... And, maybe in addition, start writing your own blogs, or journey , or find something of interest a hobby outside of homework... Sometimes if we are alone too long, we think too much:)

Something fun to do, will give you something also to talk about to your boyfriend as well as take your mind off of him being so far away from you at the moment.

Best wishes

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Relationship Insecurities

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