Dialog for a script...I need something between these two phrases...

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I'm a screen writer working on a section of dialog that has to be perfect so I'm really working this part and I can't come up with a way to state this better: I've written it in two ways. The first is too eloquent and the second too colloquial. The first is also too wordy and the second is to trite. I need something shorter than the first and more meaningful/eloquent than the second. Got any ideas?

Quote:

Maybe it was fate or just bum luck, but for some reason Sally and I were constantly put together.

And

Quote:

Sally and I were constantly bumping into each other.

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@MrIVI,

Call it fate or just luck but Sally and I kept bumping into each other.

1 Reply

@MrIVI,

Sally and I were accidental furniture in each others lives.

(kept tossing between accidental and occasional) - not brill, but maybe it'll help you re-approach.

1 Reply

@hingehead,

I like the accidental furniture, it's a great line. Possibly a bit too poetic, but really, really great unfortunately maybe not in this context?

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@MonaLeeza,

I like the abbreviation there, but is there a way to get rid of "bumping" it's just too colloquial for my taste.

1 Reply

@MrIVI,

Dialog comes from characters. Since you haven't told us the characters how do you expect their words?

"The dumb b***** just keeps showing up."

"It's like kismit, either that or she's stalking me."

"Sally and I seem to be the bumper cars of this crazy carnival."

"For some unexplained reason, Sally and I always found ourselves together."

1 Reply

I have to breathe in and breathe out on your questions. I was married to a screenwriter.

You are asking us re dialog?

Babe, look around.

2 Replies

@parados,

It's voice over so it doesn't have much of a context. It's just said as two character meet coincidentally for a second time. But it should be toned down. It shouldn't have a lot of flair or banter in it. Simple these are the facts sort of dialog. Honestly, I'd jump on:

Quote:

Sally and I kept bumping into eachother for no reason

If I could just fix the wording of bumping. I mean Running into each other is a synonymous phrase, but it really isn't any less colloquial.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I'm really not certain what you are saying.

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@MrIVI,

Someone just had a good idea: "Sally and I were constantly crossing paths."

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I'm saying, don't ask us. If you have a street voice, that is part of your scripts and if you don't, it isn't. Last thing I want to hear is how someone online fixes a sentence for you. Write different scripts if you are not comfortable.

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@ossobuco,

Oh, that's just something writers made up to justify not working.
There are lines that have to be worked at.
Many famous writers throughout history have written only a line or two a day. Granted they only finished a book or two in their lives, but some of these books are the greatest works of literature. I don't write that slowly, but when somethings wrong it's wrong and I'm not afraid to admit it.

1 Reply

@MrIVI,

In what way did you answer my comment?

I don't give a **** if you write a line one day and six hundred the next.
I well know how lines need filling, sometimes well.

I'm telling you to look into your own experience and don't look online for easy answers.

Of course you can ignore me and have a great hit.

1 Reply

@MrIVI,

The situation sounds colloquial. What would be untoward with colloquial language, Mr IVI?

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

Quote:

I was married to a screenwriter.

So she's taking it out on you.

1 Reply

@JTT,

The opposite, I'm trying to help. Save a year or two of his life.

Tell us all about your screen writing experiences, JTT.

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"It seems like everywhere I go Sally is there, " he muttered looking at his feet, "It must be karma".

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@MrIVI,

pissed myself laughing that you thought your first line too eloquent let alone the second too colloquial unless you meant in the sense of it being vapid or prosaic

there she was again. unbelievable

1 Reply

@MrIVI,

Quote:

Main Entry: encounter
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: happen upon
Synonyms: alight upon, bear, bump into, chance upon, close, come across, come upon, confront, cross the path, descry, detect, espy, experience, face, fall in with, find, front, hit upon, meet, meet up with, rub eyeballs, run across, run into, run smack into, suffer, sustain, turn up, undergo
Antonyms: avoid, evade, retreat, run away

Quote:

Main Entry: bump into
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: happen upon
Synonyms: chance upon, come across, encounter , hit, light, light upon, luck, meet, meet up with, run across, run into, stumble, tumble

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@ossobuco,

Code:Tell us all about your screen writing experiences, JTT.

Wow, hold on nobody needs a degree or experience to be a screenwriter. And much less to answer a post about how to phrase something!

By the way, JTT that was pretty funny writing!

Quote:

Quote:
I was married to a screenwriter.

So she's taking it out on you.

Honestly, I'm the kind of guy who'd rather watch Friends than Titanic or Inception. Give me a good joke and make me smile, I have the rest of the day to grind me down with drama!

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Dialog for a script...I need something between these two phrases...

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