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Tue 18 Jan, 2011 10:17 am
I was and always have been an extremely active person, not in the exercise sense, I just mean I normally go for things and get stuff done, embrace activities, work hard with an almost manic curiosity. I started doing drugs three years ago, in my first year of university, hardcore MDMA/coke/mephedrone each weekend and lots of alcohol in between; would get smashed 2-4 times a week. In each year of university I would still spend 10 hours at the library most days, but this started to take its toll in my third year, when I lost a bit of interest in my degree and everything felt like a ball and chain round my neck, and for a year I stopped thinking critically to myself all the time in the way I had done before. Although I still pulled my finger out at the end and got the grades, almost a perfect record in the end, my inertia meant it was extremely dogmatic for me to force myself to do so.
After getting my degree I kind of went on a three month drug/alcohol rampage (one day on, one day recovering etc etc) which ended up with me getting thrown out of the flat I was staying in for taking acid and making too many parties. I would like to point out that during this time I still did quite a lot, way more than other people, but not with the same gusto as I previously felt, more out of a sense of resigned obligation. I then moved to Hong Kong, and am currently working as an English teacher in a private school with 4 year olds. When I got on the plane I hardly felt excited, which is when I decided that it was ridiculous that even such a large experience could not evoke the strong emotions in me I felt I should feel, and along with a mixture of other factors, I decided not to do drugs in Hong Kong. I have now not taken any drugs for 4 months, and have almost forgotten what they feel like, apart from way more intense than normal experiences.
Recently, despite the fact I am working 10 hours a day, I have felt the gusto I used to have towards life in my first year of university return, not a didactic, frantic need to create and do through fear, but a genuine, rich desire to engage with life really fully again. Evidently the break has done me good, and when I return to London in three months, I intend to try and stay away from the party wagon and put my energy elsewhere, into creating and studying fully again.
I'm just wondering why this feeling has returned? Do you think, even though I was never anywhere near addicted or anything, it could be because the 'peak' of experience I attained through doing drugs has disappeared and my life now holds less extreme peaks and troughs, or is it because I spend 10 hours a day teaching four year old Chinese children the alphabet which is pretty ******* boring and is driving me onwards to find more engaging stimuli within the world?
pq
@The Pentacle Queen,
drugs **** with your body chemistry.
nothing beats a natural high...
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:I'm just wondering why this feeling has returned?
the crap you put into your body is starting to clear out - that's good for your brain
Don't know why you feel the way you do, but welcome back and hope you
can stay a while.
@The Pentacle Queen,
Quote:
I'm just wondering why this feeling has returned? Do you think, even though I was never anywhere near addicted or anything
Full stop there. I'm not trying to be captain Judge-o or anything, but if you were:
Quote:hardcore MDMA/coke/mephedrone each weekend and lots of alcohol in between; would get smashed 2-4 times a week.
For over a year - you are/were addicted. You ought to admit that to yourself. That frequency of use is 100% correlated with addiction, especially with alcohol. Glad to hear you kicked it.
I'm not surprised to hear that you were having trouble reaching the peaks of euphoria that you did before, given all the MDMA you took. I am surprised that the ability is returning; for a lot of people it never does.
Cycloptichorn
Just curious... Did you dream when you were on drugs, are you dreaming now? I mean, not at this minute and all, when you sleep at night?
I agree with Beth. It can take a while to detox, before all the chemicals have been washed out. I'm glad you're feeling back to your old self.
SOMETHING must be turning you on. Is it love interest? raise in self esteem? the food? kids? the people? weather?
Whatever it is, find out. You will want to bring that with you when you return.
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:
I'm just wondering why this feeling has returned? Do you think, even though I was never anywhere near addicted or anything, it could be because the 'peak' of experience I attained through doing drugs has disappeared and my life now holds less extreme peaks and troughs, or is it because I spend 10 hours a day teaching four year old Chinese children the alphabet which is pretty ******* boring and is driving me onwards to find more engaging stimuli within the world?
pq
I don’t think it’s either of those things pq. I think the period of *flatness* you experienced is finally beginning to lift because your brain is starting to manufacture endorphins again, now that you’ve stopped introducing artificial chemicals.
@Cycloptichorn,
Cycloptichorn wrote:
Quote:
I'm just wondering why this feeling has returned? Do you think, even though I was never anywhere near addicted or anything
Full stop there. I'm not trying to be captain Judge-o or anything, but if you were:
Quote:hardcore MDMA/coke/mephedrone each weekend and lots of alcohol in between; would get smashed 2-4 times a week.
For over a year - you are/were addicted. You ought to admit that to yourself. That frequency of use is 100% correlated with addiction, especially with alcohol. Glad to hear you kicked it.
I'm not surprised to hear that you were having trouble reaching the peaks of euphoria that you did before, given all the MDMA you took. I am surprised that the ability is returning; for a lot of people it never does.
Cycloptichorn
Well, ok, but for me this is mainly word games. I never felt addicted, although when I first got into it I was a keen bean - someone else asked; yes, I did used to spend time awake at night thinking about taking drugs - I think it was more to do with my social scene, that's just what we did on the weekends, like other people drink. But yeah, I suppose you could say I was addicted in a certain sense, i certainly craved the catharsis, would feel a build up and let it all out.
What do you mean some people never get that back?
@Ceili,
Ceili wrote:
Just curious... Did you dream when you were on drugs, are you dreaming now? I mean, not at this minute and all, when you sleep at night?
I agree with Beth. It can take a while to detox, before all the chemicals have been washed out. I'm glad you're feeling back to your old self.
Yeah, I always have quite a lot of dreams.
@PUNKEY,
PUNKEY wrote:
SOMETHING must be turning you on. Is it love interest? raise in self esteem? the food? kids? the people? weather?
Whatever it is, find out. You will want to bring that with you when you return.
Um. I don't know. There IS a love interest, but he's back home and I won't get to see him for 4 months. He's awesome though. I do like my holistic lifestyle, kids, countryside, etc. but that comes at the price of missing a bunch of ******* awesome people in London, a sense of identity, decent art, the library...
I will definitely bring the lifestyle choices back to London with me, I think I've got better at time management, and I've relaxed a bit, I try and learn when I can outside of work, but I don't feel like I should be either caining with the drugs or the books ALL the time... it's not even productive. Critical thought is really interesting and motivating to me now, not just a massive constraint.
@The Pentacle Queen,
Quote:
Well, ok, but for me this is mainly word games. I never felt addicted, although when I first got into it I was a keen bean - someone else asked; yes, I did used to spend time awake at night thinking about taking drugs - I think it was more to do with my social scene, that's just what we did on the weekends, like other people drink. But yeah, I suppose you could say I was addicted in a certain sense, i certainly craved the catharsis, would feel a build up and let it all out.
I hear that - it's the same way for a lot of people. Alcohol and drugs serve as the release of tension and stress, in a friendly atmosphere.
Quote:What do you mean some people never get that back?
Constant MDMA use floods your brain with dopamine. Cocaine prevents that dopamine from efficiently being cycled out of the brain. Over time, your brain becomes accustomed to the elevated levels that you are pumping through it; it becomes the 'new normal.' This is part of the reason why it's addictive and 'feels like a catharsis' when you took it. It's like returning to normal.
MDMA especially can lead to a feeling of andhedonia - an inability to feel 'good' or 'euphoric' about things which would normally make you happy or excited. You literally can't enjoy the rest of your life the way you used to. This damage may or may not be permanent; some hardcore users have reported these problems for years afterward. Some people recover pretty quickly. It seems like you have recovered somewhat.
You are quite lucky; I know folks from college who were into the party scene who never got better and are now clinically depressed. Every one of them blames their abuse of MDMA and coke.
---
Regarding the alcohol - you stated that you 'would get smashed 2-4 times a week.' That's the frequency and use patterns of an alcoholic. I can understand that next to the other drugs, it doesn't seem like a big deal; and I went through a heavy drinking phase myself in college, like a lot of kids do. It's potentially worse for you in the long run than the drugs.
Please understand that there's no judgment here; I know too many great people who have struggled with drug abuse, and I myself have struggled with it. But admitting to yourself the full extent of the problem is critical to overcoming the problem. I'm heartened that you feel that you won't slip back into the old scene when you return to England; please keep that thought in your head, because it's really important that you don't!
Cycloptichorn
@The Pentacle Queen,
The reason that drugs make you feel good is that they bind to the receptors in the brain even better than your natural neurotransmitters.
Taking drugs even one time can result in long-term (possibly even life-long) problems with brain chemistry. Symptoms can range from mild to severe, including schizophrenia.
http://www.thegooddrugsguide.com/ecstasy/effects.htm
Quote:Effect of X-TC on the Brain
E causes (5-hydroxytryptamine or 5-HT) and dopamine to flood the brain. Both are neurotransmitters which influence the flow of information throughout the brain. Changing the balance between the two changes your mood. Ecstasy gives you a glow of well-being, happiness, empathy, euphoria, increases your sensitivity to rhythmic music, and makes you want to dance.
The latest studies show that Ecstasy use can impair the serotonin system and memory performance. Research conducted on subjects who had used E on a couple of hundred occasions showed that people who use the drug had suffered brain damage. The level of brain damage users experience is directly proportional to the number of times the drug was used.
The brain damage found among X-TC users involved the cells responsible for releasing serotonin in the brain. An imaging technique known as Positron Emission Tomography (PET) was used to study the brains of a group of Ecstasy users. Researchers found that the number of healthy serotonin cells in the participants' brains was between 20-60 percent lower than normal. This type of change in the normal level of cells in the brain accounts for the memory loss that long-term users of E may experience.
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:
Well, ok, but for me this is mainly word games.
There's the whole thing in a nutshell.
All you do is play word games, and overthink everything.
Actually, quite a bit about you is made clear to me now. In my personal experience, there's nothing more boring than sitting with a bunch of people who are all coked up, and you're straight, listening to their deep thoughts. They aren't thoughts as much as self absorbed blathering.
The only person you're fooling about being addicted is you.
@chai2,
Okay, I don't think that's necessarily helpful here
Cycloptichorn
@The Pentacle Queen,
just a thought, PQ...
I think you are bored.
mebbe it is time to think about what the end goal is for someone with your gifts and abilities.
@Cycloptichorn,
Cycloptichorn wrote:
Okay, I don't think that's necessarily helpful here
Cycloptichorn
You're right. I apologize.
Let me put this in a better way.
A person who is addicted will convince themselves (and others) in any way they can, that they aren't.
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:
Cycloptichorn wrote:
Okay, I don't think that's necessarily helpful here
Cycloptichorn
You're right. I apologize.
Let me put this in a better way.
A person who is addicted will convince themselves (and others) in any way they can, that they aren't.
Now this I agree with 100%. From experience.
More than 6 years now without a cigarette and I still think about smoking one alllll the time.
Cycloptichorn
Maybe it's something as simple as maturing. - finding out that there is joy and purpose in life without drugs and/or alcohol.
On the other hand, it's just been a few months. This may be the "pink cloud recovery' period recovering people talk about. I'd feel better if this person was clean for 2 years.
Time is the great revealer. We'll see what happens after getting home.
@Cycloptichorn,
Cycloptichorn wrote:
chai2 wrote:
Cycloptichorn wrote:
Okay, I don't think that's necessarily helpful here
Cycloptichorn
You're right. I apologize.
Let me put this in a better way.
A person who is addicted will convince themselves (and others) in any way they can, that they aren't.
Now this I agree with 100%. From experience.
More than 6 years now without a cigarette and I still think about smoking one alllll the time.
Cycloptichorn
Okay then, I was addicted. I don't have any problem with having been addicted, it doesn't change what happened or what I did.
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