Latest buzzword at work

Issues = opposite of Opportunities

One word: Focus

Three words: Focus on everything

bonuses... what are those?

triage

Used at tasty businesses!

Their endangered species unless you work in a corporate executive sanctuary that's where the bonuses are heavier then a school of blue whales.

How do this mind numbingly asinine words and phrases actually make it into circulation?

This thread is actually making me feel nauseas.

Many times I had to tell my last employer I don't do corporate talk, (not those exact words, but that was the jest of my communication), when he would come in with mumble jumble like what has been posted here.

I begged him to talk to me straight, just tell me like it is, stop dancing around and trying to make it sound like something it isn't.

Okay, so you all decided to refine my job description. Cool. How has it changed?

We have decided that streamlining and maintaining the integrity of the flow of communication would be better served by...

Uh, so you want me to stop answering questions that I know the answer to and just have everyone call so and so instead? And, I no longer need to write the monthly newsletter because you are forming a committee to do it, is that correct?

Well, yes. But, we also decided to reposition our budgetary outlays so that...

Oh. So, you are taking away the roll-over line and designated fax line so that you can save $25 per month and I need to be here an hour early on Friday for the phone guy to do that. Okay. Anything else?

Yes. We need you to enhance communication regarding upcoming events.

Okay. I'll have signs made. For proper coverage I'll need to get at least 4 at $45 a piece for each event.

That sounds good. Thank you.

He exits. I slap my forehead.

I really don't understand how you guys / gals do it.

Then you'll love this one squinny.

One of the latest "initiatives" was to "cut down on noise" meaning sending emails to everyone on your list, not forwarding emails to people who have already been forwarded a forwarded email from multiple people, and making multiple requests for the same thing.

My boss is really bad about forwarding emails to me that were very clearly addressed to both of us. In others words, I already have it, and have most likely already addressed it by the time she sends it to me.

She'll tell me to send something out to the whole group, then send it out herself to everyone.

She forwards and email to me (one I already have), and if she's in the office will immediately intercom me (as the message window is appearing in the corner of my screen) to tell me she just forwarded something to me, and what it's about.

I'll say to her "yes, I see you just sent it to me"
She say "So?"

me...um so what?

So what did he say?

Who-what?

Jerry! What did Jerry say about the progress of that report that's due in 2 weeks?

Is that in the email you just forwarded to me 5 seconds ago?

Yes.

I haven't had the chance to open it yet

Her:.......oh......


HER boss is one of those people who will keep asking the status of something that isn't due for days.
He actually sent out an email.....to everyone in the group.....saying that he's trying to cut down on "noise" and will be able to when everyone let's him know their assignment is complete....on something that isn't due for a week.

Another way to cut down on that noise would be to not bother people until they have actually shown they can't meet a deadline.

I can count on one hand (without my thumb) the number of times in 12 years that I've been late with something of import.
All I can say is thank the gods I've had people on my ass, or I'm sure I would never have gotten things in on time.

F*ck that noise.

Overpaid "consultants" hired to do the thinking for wealthy idiots.

Synergy, business ethics, best-practices...

yeck I hate that one (even more than the others)

train set
(as in, "It's his train set")

I'll tell you how I do it. There is this one guy who uses a couple of phrases so often in meetings that I count them. It is so bad that all my peers have noticed him saying these too and have brought it up. Also for entertainment purposes I have reported back to my peers after meetings on the number of times within x amount of minutes this individual has spoken these buzzwords.

I make little tic marks each time he says one or the other. I have to be careful because I think people are beginning to notice as he says that inane phrase once again. It is also difficult because I will begin to smirk after about the 10th time.

"Span of control"

Oh, yeah, that would drive me nuts! I don't think I could keep quiet about it. I've discovered through that lost job that I really need go back to being self-employed. My hat is off to those that are able to cope with the corporate world.

Off-Line

(Some management people like to say: "Let's take this discussion off-line." In other words, let's not let the lower-level employees hear us talking about this.)

at some point, departmental lunches became luncheons.
dunny how or why, but they did...

Of course you don't know! Management discussed the name change "off-line."

Did the food get any better?

Being "corporate", which is often associated with getting "acknowledgment" (i.e., bonuses).