'TWAS by a poor ass who had
just turned in with a couple
of large panniers upon his back, to col-
lect eleemosunary turnip tops and cab-
bage leaves ; and stood dubious, with his
two forefeet on the inside of the threshold,
and with his two hinder feet towards the
street, as not knowing very well whe-
ther he was to go in, or no.
Now, 'tis an animal (be in what hurry
I may) I cannot bear to strike ---- there
is a patient endurance of sufferings, wrote
so unaffectedly in his looks and carriage,
which pleads so mightily for him, that it
always disarms me ; and to that degree,
that I do not like to speak unkindly to
him : on the contrary, meet him where I
will -- whether in town or country -- in
cart or under panniers -- whether in liber-
ty or bondage ---- I have ever something
civil to say to him on my part ; and as
one word begets another (if he has as little
to do as I) ---- I generally fall into con-
versation with him ; and surely never is
my imagination so busy as in framing
his responses from the etchings of his
countenance -- and where those carry me
not deep enough ---- in flying from my
own heart into his, and seeing what is
natural for an ass to think -- as well as a
man, upon the occasion. In truth, it is
the only creature of all the classes of be-
ings below me, with whom I can do
this : for parrots, jackdaws, &c. ---- I
never exchange a word with them ----
nor with the apes, &c. for pretty near
the same reason ; they act by rote, as the
others speak by it, and equally make me
silent : nay my dog and my cat, though
I value them both ---- (and for my dog
he would speak if he could) -- yet some
how or other, they neither of them pos-
sess the talents for conversation ---- I can
make nothing of a discourse with them,
beyond the proposition, the reply, and re-
joinder, which terminated my father's and
my mother's conversations, in his beds
of justice ---- and those utter'd -- there's
an end of the dialogue ----
-- But with an ass, I can commune
for ever.
Come Honesty! said I, -- seeing it was
impracticable to pass betwixt him and
the gate ---- art thou for coming in, or
going out?
The ass twisted his head round to look
up the street ----
Well -- replied I -- we'll wait a minute
for thy driver :
---- He turned his head thoughtful
about, and looked wistfully the opposite
way ----
I understand thee perfectly ; answered I
---- if thou takest a wrong step in this
affair, he will cudgel thee to death ----
Well! a minute is but a minute, and if it
saves a fellow creature a drubbing, it
shall not be set down as ill-spent.
He was eating the stem of an arti-
choke as this discourse went on, and in
the little peevish contentions of nature
betwixt hunger and unsavouriness, had
dropt it out of his mouth half a dozen
times, and pick'd it up again ---- God
help thee, Jack! said I, thou hast a bit-
ter breakfast on't -- and many a bitter
day's labour -- and many a bitter blow,
I fear, for its wages ---- 'tis all -- all bit-
terness to thee, whatever life is to others.
---- And now thy mouth, if one knew
the truth of it, is as bitter, I dare say,
as soot -- (for he had cast aside the stem)
and thou has not a friend perhaps in all
this world, that will give thee a maca-
roon. ---- In saying this, I pull'd out a
paper of 'em, which I had just pur-
chased, and gave him one -- and at this
moment that I am telling it, my heart
smites me, that there was more of plea-
santry in the conceit, of seeing how an
ass would eat a macaroon ---- than of benevolence
in giving him one, which pre-
sided in the act.
When the ass had eaten his macaroon,
I press'd him to come in ---- the poor
beast was heavy loaded ---- his legs seem'd
to tremble under him ---- he hung rather
backwards, and as I pull'd at his halter,
it broke short in my hand ---- he look'd
up pensive in my face ---- ``Don't thrash
me with it -- but if you will, you may''
---- If I do, said I, I'll be d----d.
The word was but one half of it
pronounced, like the abbess of Andoüil-
lets' -- (so there was no sin in it) -- when a
person coming in, let fall a thundering
bastinado upon the poor devil's crupper,
which put an end to the ceremony.
Out upon it!
cried I ---- but the interjection was
equivocal ---- and, I think, wrong pla-
ced too -- for the end of an osier which
had started out from the contexture of the
ass's pannier, had caught hold of my
breeches pocket as he rushed by me, and
rent it in the most disastrous direction
you can imagine ---- so that the
Out upon it! in my opinion, should
have come in here ---- but this I leave to
be settled by
The
REVIEWERS
of
MY BREECHES
which I have brought over along with
me for that purpose.
