Re-gifting

dròm_et_rêve, Christmas is not the only source of gifts to be re-gifted. There are birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, 'just-dropping-by' gifts, hostess gifts ... the supply of re-gifts is never ending.

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh

DOUBLE WHAMMY Eh Beth.
or is that octogonal whammy? exactly. Hope your well ! solstice greetings too! Write to you again perhaps next year on route to costa rica to dowse the spheres of the atlantians. ?


I would also like topoint out my grave mispelling and all. I type fast and on a rickety old fading powerbook. It drives me crasy to correct because my link cuts out and takes tooo long now to get back on line. Maybe I shouldn't write. My step mother says i am the curse of the devil with my pendantic mispelt style and am only making a fool of myself. And maybe I am and thats why I'm going to hide out in the jungles of CR and see if I can find a face or two there.

I hope that rant made sense Eh Beth , sorry to use your space foir this , love ya and hugs and knishes

This delemma is a sure sign of sickness. When a society has gone this far over something that was suppose to bind friends and pave the road for deeper friendships ahs turned in on itself and this situation shows us to be far less perfect than we might consider. I am truely ashamed of myself but now I regift when it isnt appropriate for me because I understand the object in flux is on it's way to the right recepient and anything I can do to further that making sure no money is to be passed on my behalf or hopwefully the person who either keeps it or continues to paass it on till it gets to the right place, or something like that. I am typing this withour my reading glasses so I suspect mucho problemas

sorry seasons greetings Sozobe

i have been re-gifted, and when it shows its pretty bad to you know...hide it but, you do have to try...why thanks so much for the matching set of cards/coasters/tins with the Christmas decor, I shall save that for my annual Whist Cookie Baking Tournament next year...oiy.
The closest I come to regifting would be in finding that bag of items I had bought for myself but hadnt used and come on the thought that..hey, I bet I could wrap this up for that work santa exchange. Or the this is absolutely hysterical and I know the person who will get the biggest kick out of this gift along with something nice actually but, still...funny works on occassion.
The butter cookies...you know, I usually get at least one can of those each year but, dunk them in the hot liquor of choice and they're just fine.

Wow, Piffka, what a story the Einstein signature would make--about its travels through the years and who owned it and treasured it and who, like the nephew, didn't know a things about its value.

I had an aunt and uncle who gave the tackiest gifts, but with such sincere enthusiasm that I could never give those gifts away. They were lovely people who were simply eccentrics and didn't have any understanding of utility (or beauty).

I feel a sense of nostalgia now when I come across some of them, remembering the unconditional love my aunt and uncle had for me all through my growing up years.

My mother was the kind of person who would look all through the house for any gifts she had given me, so they had to remain available to be put on display when she visited.

Regifting is great for those little holiday parties where you are supposed to give a small gift of under $5.00. It makes a nice surprise for the person who receives it, because it is usually worth more than $5.00, and it is usually anonymous, so you don't have to admit that you wanted to be rid of it.

Gift giving is one of lifes pleasures. Everyone likes to be remembered, thought of and given wonderful gifts. As children we anxiously await our birthdays and Christmas in the expectation that we will get gifts of shining happiness. We spend weeks of straining to overhear adults whispering about what the children should have on the upcoming occasion, and secretly searching the backs of closets. Bedtime at 8 o'clock? Nonsense, for who can sleep knowing that in a few hours we will creep down to see what's under the tree. The lights of the tree casting dark shadows into the corners of a familiar room, transport us to a magical place. A toy train zips along bright tracks that wind their way around gaily wrapped packages that have mysteriously appeared. Twinkling lights reflect off of a doll's golden locks, and almost hidden in the shadows stands a new bike with streamers attached to the handlebars. We shake, and exchange opinions with our siblings in quiet tones so that the grown-ups can sleep while we share this private moment.

Most of us never find that sort of happiness and contentment when we are older, and "wiser". Our recollections, even though distorted by time, make the idea of gifts one of our secret pleasures. Gifts are something you don't have to "work" for, and they have the power to surprise and delight us because we didn't choose them. receiving a gift, is to know that someone out there remembers and loves you.

The thing is, it takes at least two people to keep gift giving going. One to receive, and oh how we like to fill that role. The other to give. Children sometimes are so focused on recieving that they forget to express their own love and remembrance to their family and friends. Unfortunately, sometimes people never mature to the point where joy giving is at least equal to the joys of recieving.

What makes a great gift? Is it the cash value of the gift, or does cash value have little, or no place in the question? Does a gift have to come new in a shiny box, or can it still have value when mended and wrapped in a bit of old newspaper? Which of the these examples do you think is the finer gift:

(1) A new bit of jewelry from tiffany's that was picked out and actually purchased by a secretary acting under orders of the Boss to find something suitable for under $1500.

(2) A designer vase ($150 price label still attached to the base) that was purchased originally for the Family Room, but found to be the wrong shape, so it was gift wrapped unused and given as a gift.

(3) An obsolete computer (the giver just got a new 64bit machine, and hasn't a clue of what to do with the old machine), given to the children of a less fortunate cousin.

(4) A picture that the giver did the first week after taking up painting as a hobby, before the painter moved on to take up rock-climbing.

(5) A family heirloom that was ugly in 1875 when it was originally given, and that hasn't gotten any prettier for sitting in a box ever since.

(6) A fruitcake that was sent to a diabetic older person who's struggling to survive on a small Social Security check.

(7) A finger-painted something that a grandchild did especially for her Gramps in summer camp last year.

(8) A personalized greeting card with a hundred dollar bill inside.

(9) A personalized greeting card (picture of the family and it's pet), and a long once a year letter detailing the family's Thanksgiving holiday in the caribbean.

(10) Grandad's old pocket knife, though the main blade has been sharpened so often that it's little more than a sliver of steel.

I look forward to seeing how the group thinks about these gifts. Could they all wonderful gifts, if only we know more about how they came to be given? Who can know the value of the gift best? Does the value reside in the giver, or in the receiver? Both, or neither?

Asherman -- I'd like Grampa's knife and the hand-made card with the $100 bill, please.

Diane, she kept it all those years, knowing its value, but when she was moving to a smaller place, her son tried to help and decided she didn't need all her books.

Yes i believe in re-gifting and recycling.

Some presents are so off track they are unbelievable! but another friend may love them - I too keep them for those awkward people who suddenly decide to give you a present this year when you didn't expect it. That is so embarassing and awkward if you haven't got anything.

I was once given a hideous tacky lamp that was a windmill that turned and lit up - aaaaargh! I had to use it while the friends were staying but lost it to a charity shop immediately they left!!!! HOW could they think i would like it??? it was very very hard to say thank you without anguish!

I love the idea of the parties to swap.

First, a question:

I have recently (since last year) become good friends with our neighbors. We exchanged kids' birthday presents -- spent Jack's birthday with them, gave him a present, Jack spent sozlet's birthday with us, gave her a present.

Going by what has been said here about unexpected Christmas presents, any tips? I plan to give them something, but don't want to be rude about springing it on them. On the other hand, it feels strange/ rude/ fishy to say "so, would you like to exchange presents this year?" I also can't decide about size -- fairly large birthday presents were exchanged, what I already have are ornaments for the kids (Jack is an aspiring rock star, getting a guitar pottery ornament I made, his bro is a budding drummer, getting a drum), not sure if I should leave it at that or go beyond, and how to determine that if so.

I will say that I am very (perhaps too) concerned with getting the RIGHT presents for people. I have a terrible time shopping because I have to do this very personalized perspective thing. I shop with my mom in mind, look around at everything from her perspective. Shop with my dad in mind... his perspective. Shop with M-I-L in mind... etc. My mom, in contrast, goes shopping at her favorite stores and picks out things she loves and decides who to give them to. That has its own merits, to be sure.

The point is that I try to study the gift recipient's taste, which may well be different from mine, so while I would never buy say "Under the Tuscan Sun" for myself, my M-I-L who had never heard of it just adored it. (New York Times Holiday Books issue has been a good friend of mine through the years.)

In tandem with this whole perspective/ taste thing, I have VERY SPECIFIC taste. And I don't like clutter, so I dislike keeping things around because they aren't that bad. So what is actually kept in my house are only the things I really love. Sifting and winnowing, doncha know. (An alma mater thing.) That leaves a bunch of things that really are quite nice and really are someone else's taste.

Asherman, in terms of your list, I think there are very few gifts that are intrinsically tacky or ill-advised. Context is all. When I was a starving student, a $100 bill was about the most incredible present possible. My mom adores anything -- ANYTHING -- produced by my daughter. (Well, in the artistic sense, ya know... ) One of my husband's favorite gifts was a collection of small items from the family homestead in Colorado, nails from the rail going out of the gold mine, a couple of rocks, etc.

Watch Antiques Roadshow for the ugly-in-1875 heirloom. One man's trash, indeed.

Even #1 is sad, but perhaps the recipient of the Tiffany's bauble adored it.

I'm trying to figure out which one is the most objectively "bad", and perhaps it's the fruitcake -- but I can even see how someone in a nursing home, isolated and lonely, would be thrilled with the fact of getting a gift, any gift, that someone would remember and care just that much. Sort of like Noddy's "Any Serviceman" thread.

Similarly, even the most objectively "good" gifts could be ruined by context. (I can think of many situations in which a $100 bill, even with a card, would be seen as horribly thoughtless.)

Soz, you and I are alike in the personalized perspective.

On the neighbors, hmmm. Less might be more, in that what you are giving sounds nice.

I'll take the fruitcake, but only if it is one of the one's I made once, involving it sitting wrapped in cheesecloth soaked in Hennessy cognac.

On things in general - I am frankly materialistic and picky too. Things matter to me, whether free or costly, for reasons of sentiment or design value. A rock brought back from someone's trip can mean a lot to me. My house is messy but the things in it have value as part of my cocoon, and I am always editing them, moving them around, clearing some stuff out. It is hard to fit other people's selections into one's cocoon, from a cocooner's point of view. Which is why I try hard for the right 'fit' in a present for other people.
Not to meet society's holiday needs, but for my own sense of reaching out to friends.

On the other hand, many of my friends only give each other things once in a while, depending in part in what is going on in their lives, sometimes not at all at the holidays, but perhaps at an odd time during the year, and that kind of gift giving isn't meant to come with instant reciprocity. In fact, I have kind of gotten over being embarrassed if I don't have anything. The person didn't mean to embarrass you, but meant to make you happy.

I know the person(s) meant to make me happy, osso. But instead, they made me feel obligated.

Soz, just be upfront and tell them you found (or made) a little something that reminded you of how your friendship has grown this year. Tell them it isn't necessary to reciprocate...just that you wanted to give them this. Say this at least a week before you actually give it to them so they will have time to get something for you if they wish.

Another way to handle this...tell them that the sozlet has a gift she wants to give Jack this year. Again, tell them in advance.

Thanks, Eva. "Made" doesn't really work with that sentence, though, does it? "I found these ornaments with your kids' names on them which actually I made myself..."

They gave us some homemade banana bread our first year here and we didn't have anything to give back (sozlet was a month old, we were barely feeding ourselves), can it just be delayed payback?

What I REALLY want to avoid is any intimation that I want or expect anything from them.

(Gawd this stuff is complicated, ain't it?)

Hmmm, I'm with Osso -- perfectly happy to give a gift without even thinking someone will need to scramble to find me something. (I'm embarassed at the thought.) Also perfectly happy to receive a gift from someone even if I don't have a "matching" present to offer. I'd probably say, "Oh, but I don't have anything for you" and that would truly be the extent of my "shame." If I had something that was suitable, I'd give it to them then, I suppose (not a re-gift because I'm thinking of something spur-of-the-moment. I might say, "Oh, I just got this (other thing) but I'd love for you to have it. Otherwise, and most likely, if I am fond of them, I'll just get them something at a different point in time or *think* nice thoughts. Looking someone straight in the eye and saying a truly meaningful thank-you is an excellent habit. If you can then open the present and be suitably impressed with their effort... well, to me, that is a good reward for an honest present.

Gee whiz, Eva, are you saying this is wrong? Maybe I have this attitude because I come from "potlatch" territory where gifts are given with absolutely no expectation of a reciprocal gift.

Sozobe -- Why not just bring them something like a bottle of wine -- some biscotti you made yourself, a plant or something else consumable like a candle... or even something goofy and small that you remembered they needed from a previous get-together -- a flashlight or small tool? Don't expect them to have anything for you and don't care if they do or not.

This is supposed to be the fun, relaxed season. If someone said I'm going to be bringing you over a present, that would not cue me into thinking I must scramble to find something quickly for them. I'd be thinking.... kewel, another present!

Oh, how I wish I could do that, Piffka! It certainly sounds more relaxed where you are!

Mama taught me that good Southern girls always return favors. It's some kind of unwritten law here. We were all taught that if anyone gives you a present, you have to give one back. And it has to be done promptly, mind you, and you must follow up with a handwritten thank you note. Even for Christmas presents. (Family is exempt from this.)

A bottle of wine, homemade goodies, a candle, a beautiful Christmas ornament...these are all great & acceptable. Just nothing used or broken.

So most of us keep a few wrapped gifts in the hall closet in case of unexpected gift-givers. It is NOT considered good form to surprise someone. It puts them in the position of not being able to return your generosity. And that makes them uncomfortable. And if you bring the gift to their house, that puts them in the position of being inhospitable hosts. A definite no-no. Hospitality is a big thing in the South.

Sorry, Soz...that didn't come out right. Make that, "Hope you don't mind, but I made you a little something for Christmas. Just because I'm so glad we've become friends!" Of course, they will say, "Mind?! Of course not! How nice of you!" Then they will have time to find something nice for you in return. See?

Don't believe me? Well, you remembered the banana bread, even after three years...didn't you?

Oh, I'm pretty sure they would like the presents (have been planning on ornaments + homemade fudge -- they like chocolate), just that my instincts are more along the lines of Piffka's. Just give it to them, no arrangements ahead of time.

I gave them a handwritten thank-you for the banana bread, but it didn't actually occur to me to be embarrassed that they gave us something and we didn't give them anything. And they didn't warn us ahead of time or anything.

Anyone from the Midwest or environs want to weigh in? I'm thinking this may be regional.

I regift period !!! Like till date I have been given THREE bottles of the perfume which I am currently using !!! By the time I will finish the bottle which I have - I would have lost interest in it...What would I do with the three bottles ?

But I have to admit, I dont regift anything which is tacky or ugly - though I have to admit that not having distant uncles or aunts who give christmas prezzies - such instances are far and few.

That's a perfect example of an item for re-gifting, Gautam. That's happened a few times with books (I think Walter mentioned this, too) or toys. You can REALLY like one without needing multiples. And if the person asks, you've got it right there!