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Very Punny

 
 
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 01:54 pm
If you have any good, or not so good puns, post them here.
I'll start...

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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> 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
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> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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> 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
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> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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> 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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> 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 7 • Views: 1,604 • Replies: 12
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Merry Andrew
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 02:45 pm
@mysteryman,
The Supreme Court justice was a strict constructionist. When he took time off to go fishing, he was a firm believer in the separation of perch and skate.

She was said to have a heart of stone because she always took men for granite.

(more to come, probably, alas)
0 Replies
 
Francis
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 03:02 pm
Even though I'm not a puntificator, I think a good pun is its own reword..

0 Replies
 
George
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 03:07 pm
The monastery held a fair to raise money.
Two of the brothers cooked and sold fish-and-chips.
"Are you the chip monk?" one was asked.
"No," he replied. "I'm the fish friar."
Francis
 
  2  
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 03:14 pm
@George,
Then there's the story of the five French kittens who wandered out on thin ice: Un, deux trois, cats sank!
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 04:31 pm
Chan owned a lumber yard, and was happy and prosperous, until suddenly, very expensive woods--mahogany, teak, walnut--began to disappear in small quantities every night. The only clue was the print of small sized, boys sized, sneakers in the sawdust in his lumber yard. The local constable decided to stake out the lumber yard, and see what he could find.

He was almost dozing off, late that night, when he saw a large, lumbering shadow among the stacks of wood. He leapt out and shone his flashlight on what turned out to be a large grizzly wearing kid's sneakers. He shouted out:

"Oh where are you going, boy-foot bear with teaks of Chan?"

*******************************************************************

When the French were colonizing islands in the Pacific, they found one island particularly rich in phosphates, but the chief stubbornly insisted that they provide him a throne, just like the Kings of Europe sit upon, before he'd grant them a concession. Bowing to the inevitable, the French commissioner sent off to Paris for a throne, and moved on to other islands for the time being. Eventually, they managed to come up with a huge, very heavy oaken chair which could pass for a throne, it was shipped out, presented to the chief, and the concession was granted.

The other local chiefs were jealous, and eventually, a couple of them allied with one another to attack his island. Knowing full well what they were after, he got his largest warriors, and theyhoisted the throne up into the rafters of his grass shack. The fighting was fierce and they were driven back to the very gates of the village when the tide began to turn. Sensing victory, the chief and his body guard began to shout and stamp, when the chief heard an ominous creaking above his head. He looked up just in time to see his new throne crashing down upon his head.

The moral of the story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
0 Replies
 
Francis
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 04:40 pm
Set wrote:
The moral of the story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


Which, inevitably leads to:

- There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
0 Replies
 
Letty
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 05:14 pm
Then there was the poor old lion lying in the desert who had lost all his teeth and his claws were worn down by the sand. The people in a near by town felt sorry for him and left a trail of bits of meat for him.

The lion got up and was able to follow the trail towards the town.

Someone in the town yelled. Hey, everybody. Sandy claws is gummin' to town.
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 05:31 pm
@Francis,
Francis wrote:

Then there's the story of the five French kittens who wandered out on thin ice: Un, deux trois, cats sank!

Bravo! Bravo!
0 Replies
 
Merry Andrew
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Dec, 2009 05:34 pm
@Francis,
Francis wrote:

Then there's the story of the five French kittens who wandered out on thin ice: Un, deux trois, cats sank!


Which, in turn, reminds me of the four Spaniards who got stuck in some quicksand. What happened? Well, quatro cinquo.
0 Replies
 
George
 
  1  
Reply Sat 12 Dec, 2009 08:39 am
. . . and the French lover who said to his English girlfriend "Je t'adore!"
She replied, "Shut it yourself. You opened it."
Merry Andrew
 
  1  
Reply Sat 12 Dec, 2009 11:24 am
@George,
Yeah, I like multi-lingual puns but I'm usually out-foxed by Zorro.
0 Replies
 
Francis
 
  1  
Reply Sat 12 Dec, 2009 12:01 pm
What is majesty, when stripped of its externals, but a jest?
0 Replies
 
 

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