Just whatever

Inside China ...

Office of the Pwess Secwetawy
Januawy 20, 2004
STATE OF DE UNION ADDWESS

Mw. Speakew, Vice Pwesident Cheney, Membews of Congwess, distinguished guests, and fewwow citizens: Amewica this evening is a Nation cawwed to gweat wesponsibiwities. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! And we awe wising to meet them. As we gathew tonight, hundweds of thousands of Amewican sewvicemen and women awe depwoyed acwoss the wowwd in the waw on tewwow. By bwinging hope to the oppwessed, and dewivewing justice to the viowent, they awe making Amewica mowe secuwe. Each day, waw enfowcement pewsonnew and intewwigence officews awe twacking tewwowist thweats; anawysts awe examining aiwwine passengew wists; the men and women of ouw new Homewand Secuwity Depawtment awe patwowwing ouw coasts and bowdews. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! And theiw vigiwance is pwotecting Amewica. Amewicans awe pwoving once again to be the hawdest wowking peopwe in the wowwd. De Amewican economy is gwowing stwongew. De tax wewief you passed is wowking. Tonight, Membews of Congwess can take pwide in gweat wowks of compassion and wefowm that skeptics had thought impossibwe. You awe waising the standawds of ouw pubwic schoows; and you awe giving ouw seniow citizens pwescwiption dwug covewage undew Medicawe. We have faced sewious chawwenges togethew - and now we face a choice. We can go fowwawd wif confidence and wesowve - ow we can tuwn back to the dangewous iwwusion that tewwowists awe not pwotting and outwaw wegimes awe no thweat to us. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! We can pwess on wif economic gwowth, and wefowms in education and Medicawe - ow we can tuwn back to the owd powicies and owd divisions. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! We have not come aww this way - thwough twagedy, and twiaw, and waw - onwy to fawtew and weave ouw wowk unfinished. Amewicans awe wising to the tasks of histowy, and they expect the same of us. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! In theiw effowts, theiw entewpwise, and theiw chawactew, the Amewican peopwe awe showing that the state of ouw Union is confident and stwong. Ouw gweatest wesponsibiwity is the active defense of the Amewican peopwe. Twenty-eight months have passed since Septembew 11th, 2001 - ovew two yeaws without an attack on Amewican soiw - and it is tempting to bewieve that the dangew is behind us. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Dat hope is undewstandabwe, comfowting - and fawse. De kiwwing has continued in Bawi, Jakawta, Casabwanca, Wiyadh, Mombassa, Jewusawem, Istanbuw, and Baghdad. De tewwowists continue to pwot against Amewica and the civiwized wowwd. And by ouw wiww and couwage, this dangew wiww be defeated. Inside the United States, whewe the waw began, we must continue to give homewand secuwity and waw enfowcement pewsonnew evewy toow they need to defend us. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! And one of those essentiaw toows is the PATWIOT Act, which awwows Fedewaw waw enfowcement to bettew shawe infowmation, to twack tewwowists, to diswupt theiw cewws, and to seize theiw assets. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Fow yeaws, we have used simiwaw pwovisions to catch embezzwews and dwug twaffickews. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! If these methods awe good fow hunting cwiminaws, they awe even mowe impowtant fow hunting tewwowists. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Key pwovisions of the PATWIOT Act awe set to expiwe next yeaw. De tewwowist thweat wiww not expiwe on that scheduwe. Ouw waw enfowcement needs this vitaw wegiswation to pwotect ouw citizens - you need to wenew the PATWIOT Act. Amewica is on the offensive against the tewwowists who stawted this waw. Wast Mawch, Khawid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastewmind of Septembew 11th, awoke to find himsewf in the custody of U.S. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! and Pakistani authowities. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Wast August 11f bwought the captuwe of the tewwowist Hambawi, who was a key pwayew in the attack in Indonesia that kiwwed ovew 200 peopwe. We awe twacking aw-Qaida awound the wowwd - and neawwy two-thiwds of theiw known weadews have now been captuwed ow kiwwed. Dousands of vewy skiwwed and detewmined miwitawy pewsonnew awe on a manhunt, going aftew the wemaining kiwwews who hide in cities and caves - and, one by one, we wiww bwing the tewwowists to justice.

Jesus' Dad's Name
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.

***********
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quot! ed,
" Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime,
she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it ne! cessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are
sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A WALK IN THE IRISH RAIN
(S. Spurgin)

When the sun goes down o'er Dublin town
The colors last for hours, oh
The lights come on, the night's a song
And the streets all turn to gold.

A gentle mist all heaven kissed
Like teardrops off an angel's wing
Don't you know you'll cleanse your soul
With a walk in the Irish rain.

Cho: Oh, Katherine, take my hand
I've got three pounds and change
And I'll sing you songs of love again
And when I get too drunk to sing
We'll walk in the Irish rain.

Forever more I've stepped ashore
My sailing days are over, oh
Through time and tide and by your side
Together we'll grow old.

I threw my sea bag in the bin
And brought these pretty flowers home
Kiss me Kate, we'll celebrate
Before the bloom is gone.

A tinker and a tailor and a drunken old sailor
They all get together and they start to play
Time stands still while they sing their fill
They'll shout 'til the break of day.

A sweet little lady with a glass of stout
Sippin' it down 'til the foam runs out
She'll help her old man home again
With a walk in the Irish rain.

---------------------------------------

At twenty-one I first begun
To court my neighbor's child
We both being young and full of fun
Bright Phoebus on us smiled
We both being young and full of fun
Right well we did agree
'Twas well I knew she would prove true
And loyal unto me.

At twenty-two no man could view
All the beauty that this maid possessed
Her curling hair in ringlets fair
Hung down her snow white breast
The picture of her two blue eyes
My pencil cannot tell
Her effigy no hand could draw
Nor paint her parallel
At twenty-four I did adore
This beautiful young fair maid
When she gave her hand
To a rich young man
Alas but I was poor
They sailed away across the sea
And left me here to mourn
That bright May day she sailed away
Never more for to return

----------------------------

BARE LEGGED JOE
Irish Rovers

Bare legged Joe knows the curlew's cry
He runs with the hare when the summer's nigh
A tinker boy is fancy free
In the quiet green hills of Sligo

Don't wish someday that you could go
With a bag on your back and a pace that's slow
Leave your home in the city smoke
With the tinkers to go roving

That tinker boy never went to school
But you can tell he's no one's fool
He knows how to fish and to lay a snare
He can sing like a lark in the morning

Think I'll leave and go with him
Now that the summer is coming in
Travel the road with the tinker band
And a bare legged boy to lead me

-------------------------------------

CIGARETTES, WHISKEY AND WILD WILD WOMEN

cho: Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane;
Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane;

Once I was happy and had a good wife
I had enough money to last me for life
Then I met with a gal and we went on a spree
She taught me smokin' and drinkin' whiskee
(CHORUS)

Cigarettes are a blight on the whole human race
A man is a monley with one in his face;
Take warning dear friend, take warning dear brother
A fire's on one end, a fools on the t'other.
(CHORUS)

And now good people, I'm broken with faith
The lines on my face make a well written page
I'm weavin' this story -- how sadly but true
On women and whiskey and what they can do
(CHORUS)

Wild the cross at the head of my grave
For women and whiskey here lies a poor slave.
Take warnin' poor stranger, take warnin' dear friend
In wide clear letters this tale of my end.
(CHORUS)

-----------------------------------------

I'm a Rover, and Seldom Sober

cho: I'm a a rover and seldom sober
I'm a rover, o' high degree;
And when I'm drinking, I'm always thinking
How to gain my love's company.

Though the nicht be dark as dungeon
No' a star to be seen above,
I will be guided without a stumble
Into the airms o' my ain true love.

He steppit up to her bedroom window,
Kneelin' gently upon a stone;
He rappit at her bedroom-window
"Darlin' dear, do you lie alone?"

She raised her heid on her snaw-white pillow
Wi' her arms aboot her breast,
"Wha' is that at my bedroom window
Disturbin' me at my lang night's rest?"

"It's only me, your ain true lover,
Open the door and let me in.
For I hae come on a lang journey,
And I'm near drenched to the skin."

She opened the door wi' the greatest pleasure,
She opened the door and let him in,
They baith shook hands and embraced each other
Until the mornin' they lay as one.

The cocks were crawin', the birds were whistlin'
The burns they ran free abune the brae;
"Remember, lass, I'm a ploughman laddie
And the fairmer I must obey."

"Noo, my lass, I must gang and leave thee
And though the hills they are high above,
I will climb thrm wi' greater pleasure
Since I been in the airms o' my love.

So, you thnk you are pretty smart huh? KLIK ME

From a New York kid:

"But lead us not into Penn Station."

George W Bush and the real state of the Union
Today the President gives his annual address. As the election battle begins, how does his first term add up?

20 January 2004

232: Number of American combat deaths in Iraq between May 2003 and January 2004

501: Number of American servicemen to die in Iraq from the beginning of the war - so far

0: Number of American combat deaths in Germany after the Nazi surrender to the Allies in May 1945

0: Number of coffins of dead soldiers returning home from Iraq that the Bush administration has allowed to be photographed

0: Number of funerals or memorials that President Bush has attended for soldiers killed in Iraq

100: Number of fund-raisers attended by Bush or Vice-President Dick Cheney in 2003

13: Number of meetings between Bush and Tony Blair since he became President

10 million: Estimated number of people worldwide who took to the streets in opposition to the invasion of Iraq, setting an all-time record for simultaneous protest

2: Number of nations that Bush has attacked and taken over since coming into the White House

9.2: Average number of American soldiers wounded in Iraq each day since the invasion in March last year

1.6: Average number of American soldiers killed in Iraq per day since hostilities began

16,000: Approximate number of Iraqis killed since the start of war

10,000: Approximate number of Iraqi civilians killed since the beginning of the conflict

$100 billion: Estimated cost of the war in Iraq to American citizens by the end of 2003

$13 billion: Amount other countries have committed towards rebuilding Iraq (much of it in loans) as of 24 October

36%: Increase in the number of desertions from the US army since 1999

92%: Percentage of Iraq's urban areas that had access to drinkable water a year ago

60%: Percentage of Iraq's urban areas that have access to drinkable water today

32%: Percentage of the bombs dropped on Iraq this year that were not precision-guided

1983: The year in which Donald Rumsfeld gave Saddam Hussein a pair of golden spurs

45%: Percentage of Americans who believed in early March 2003 that Saddam Hussein was involved in the 11 September attacks on the US

$127 billion: Amount of US budget surplus in the year that Bush became President in 2001

$374 billion: Amount of US budget deficit in the fiscal year for 2003

1st: This year's deficit is on course to be the biggest in United States history

$1.58 billion: Average amount by which the US national debt increases each day

$23,920: Amount of each US citizen's share of the national debt as of 19 January 2004

1st: The record for the most bankruptcies filed in a single year (1.57 million) was set in 2002

10: Number of solo press conferences that Bush has held since beginning his term. His father had managed 61 at this point in his administration, and Bill Clinton 33

1st: Rank of the US worldwide in terms of greenhouse gas emissions per capita

$113 million: Total sum raised by the Bush-Cheney 2000 campaign, setting a record in American electoral history

$130 million: Amount raised for Bush's re-election campaign so far

$200m: Amount that the Bush-Cheney campaign is expected to raise in 2004

$40m: Amount that Howard Dean, the top fund-raiser among the nine Democratic presidential hopefuls, amassed in 2003

28: Number of days holiday that Bush took last August, the second longest holiday of any president in US history (Recordholder: Richard Nixon)

13: Number of vacation days the average American worker receives each year

3: Number of children convicted of capital offences executed in the US in 2002. America is only country openly to acknowledge executing children

1st: As Governor of Texas, George Bush executed more prisoners (152) than any governor in modern US history

2.4 million: Number of Americans who have lost their jobs during the three years of the Bush administration

221,000: Number of jobs per month created since Bush's tax cuts took effect. He promised the measure would add 306,000

1,000: Number of new jobs created in the entire country in December. Analysts had expected a gain of 130,000

1st: This administration is on its way to becoming the first since 1929 (Herbert Hoover) to preside over an overall loss of jobs during its complete term in office

9 million: Number of US workers unemployed in September 2003

80%: Percentage of the Iraqi workforce now unemployed

55%: Percentage of the Iraqi workforce unemployed before the war

43.6 million: Number of Americans without health insurance in 2002

130: Number of countries (out of total of 191 recognised by the United Nations) with an American military presence

40%: Percentage of the world's military spending for which the US is responsible

$10.9 million: Average wealth of the members of Bush's original 16-person cabinet

88%: Percentage of American citizens who will save less than $100 on their 2006 federal taxes as a result of 2003 cut in capital gains and dividends taxes

$42,000: Average savings members of Bush's cabinet are expected to enjoy this year as a result in the cuts in capital gains and dividends taxes

$42,228: Median household income in the US in 2001

$116,000: Amount Vice-President Cheney is expected to save each year in taxes

44%: Percentage of Americans who believe the President's economic growth plan will mostly benefit the wealthy

700: Number of people from around the world the US has incarcerated in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

1st: George W Bush became the first American president to ignore the Geneva Conventions by refusing to allow inspectors access to US-held prisoners of war

+6%: Percentage change since 2001 in the number of US families in poverty

1951: Last year in which a quarterly rise in US military spending was greater than the one the previous spring

54%: Percentage of US citizens who believe Bush was legitimately elected to his post

1st: First president to execute a federal prisoner in the past 40 years. Executions are typically ordered by separate states and not at federal level

9: Number of members of Bush's defence policy board who also sit on the corporate board of, or advise, at least one defence contractor

35: Number of countries to which US has suspended military assistance after they failed to sign agreements giving Americans immunity from prosecution before the International Criminal Court

$300 million: Amount cut from the federal programme that provides subsidies to poor families so they can heat their homes

$1 billion: Amount of new US military aid promised Israel in April 2003 to offset the "burdens" of the US war on Iraq

58 million: Number of acres of public lands Bush has opened to road building, logging and drilling

200: Number of public-health and environmental laws Bush has attempted to downgrade or weaken

29,000: Number of American troops - which is close to the total of a whole army division - to have either been killed, wounded, injured or become so ill as to require evacuation from Iraq, according to the Pentagon

90%: Percentage of American citizens who said they approved of the way George Bush was handling his job as president when asked on 26 September, 2001

53%: Percentage of American citizens who approved of the way Bush was handling his job as president when asked on 16 January, 2004

Sources: Vanity Fair magazine, Harper's Index, Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, US Army (Washington), US Department of Defence, Iraqbodycount.net, Citizens for Tax Justice, Bureau of Economic Analysis (Washington), New York Times/CBS News Poll (NYC), US Department of Commerce, Cap Gemini Ernst & Young (NYC), Coalition Provisional Authority (Baghdad), World Health Organisation (Geneva), Office of Management and Budget (Washington), Centre for Responsive Politics (Washington), Bush-Cheney '04, Inc (Arlington, Va), Election Systems & Software (Omaha), United States Central Command (Tampa)

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Even if you don't know them, some of the answers are hysterical

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more! growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

_________________________________________________________________

Ge

That was the longest sustained laugh I have had in a decade.

Thank you for posting that.

I will share it with everyone I can.

Welcome Frank ... you can actually hear Paul Lynde saying 'Make him bark'?

That was a time when giants walked the land.

My great great X ? Grandfather .... rest in peace Abner.

Prelude to Feud: Digging in past unearths golden nuggets

JOHNathan CAPPS Ellis County Press

Research for a documentary series on the Hatfield-McCoy feud, soon to begin in the Ellis County Press, unearthed countless nuggets of charming Americana, quaint humor and bizarre facts.

Such as the story of a frontier clergyman who preached his own funeral:

More than two centuries have elapsed since a frontier hard-shell Baptist preacher known as Elder Abner Vance lived with his family on Clinch River near Abingdon, Va. Curiously, Vance's location on the river is known to this day as Horton's Ford, and therein lies a tragic, chilling story that will touch your heart.

A frontier doctor by the name of Horton eloped with the comely daughter of Preacher Vance, but reneged on his promise of marriage after indulging himself with the love- smitten girl.

Dr. Horton took her to the Vance residence and dumped her near the door, then with a certain cockiness shouted coarse insults at her and her family.

The cutting sting of Horton's words was more than Vance could bear. …

The upcoming Hatfield-McCoy series came about in great part from public demand. Charles Hatfield, publisher of the Ellis County Press, is a direct descendent of the feuding Hatfield clan, and is often requested to share details regarding the famous vendetta.

The public's fascination with the story of the feud persists even into this new century.

… In the grip of emotion, Preacher Vance took down his rifle from a rack above the door while Horton galloped away.

Horton made the mistake of stopping to water his horse in the river, perhaps some 175 yards away. Frontiersmen could shoot as accurately as they could spit, and Vance put a chunk of lead into Dr. Horton, which killed him outright. Unfortunately, it struck him in the back of the head.

Clinch River, the scene of many a baptism, was now stained with the mortal blood of a man killed by the flock's own pastor. As soon as the act was done, remorse and uncertainty came over family members. At their urging, Preacher Vance made a decision to leave. …

Before the Hatfield-McCoy feud series is completed, Charles Hatfield will share inside knowledge regarding the true cause of the feud, as passed down through generations of the Hatfield family.

This delicate information was purposely kept quiet through the years, and you are not likely to find it on the Internet or in any text.

... Traveling alone, Preacher Vance made his way to the trackless borderlands between Kentucky and present day West Virginia. He remained there several years as a fugitive in the dark wooded hills above the valley of the Tug River.

While hiding from Virginia law, he made substantial land purchases throughout the area on both sides of the Tug River. But after several years, Vance tired of the fugitive's life and returned home, hoping he could face his accusers in court and explain his reason for killing Dr. Horton.

Instead, Vance was jailed and charged with murder. A resentful jury convicted him because he shot Horton from behind. He was sentenced to be hanged. …

The story of the feud is a complex one that requires a good measure of ink to be told properly. A simple account of the feud is dramatic enough, but the stories behind the story are of great value, providing both entertainment and knowledge.

Any student looking into the background of the feudists would learn much about the settlement of America and the social forces that shaped the mind set of early Americans. These influences began long ago across the Atlantic, yet weigh heavily on our lives even today.

… A large emotional crowd gathered on the day of execution, and many wept openly. Elder Abner Vance, who for so many years had preached The Word and forewarned countless sinners, conducted his own funeral, complete with sermon and prayer.

Then he was hung.

Before his death, Vance divided his substantial Tug River holdings with his children. Years later, his many descendants populated those properties.

His granddaughter, Nancy Vance, became the mother of "Devil Anse" Hatfield, who would become the Hatfield family patriarch and a central figure in the feud.


----------------------------------------------------------------


VANCE SONG

Green are the woods where Sandy flows,
And peace it dwelleth there;
In the valley the bear they lie secure,
The red buck roves the knobs.

But Vance no more shall Sandy behold,
Nor drink its crystal waves;
The partial judge pronounced his doom,
The hunter has found his grave.

The judge said I was an incarnate fiend,
For Elliott I tried to save;
I agreed as a juryman Elliott's life to save,
Humanity belongs to the brave.

That friends I have shown to others,
Has never been shown to me;
Humanity it belongs to the brave,
And I hope it belongs to me.

'Twas by the advice of McFarlin,
Judge Johnson did me call;
I was taken from my native home,
Confined in a stone wall.

My persecutors have gained their request,
Their promise to make good;
For they ofttimes swore they would never rest,
Till they had gained my heart's blood.

Daniel Horton, Bob, and Bill,
A lie against me swore,
In order to take my life away,
That I might be no more.

But I and them together must meet,
Where all things are unknown,
And if I've shed the innocent blood,
I hope there's mercy shown.

Bright the shines the sun on Clinch's Hill,
And soft the west wind blows,
The valleys are covered all over with bloom,
Perfumed with the red rose.

But Vance no more shall Sandy behold,
Nor smell its sweet perfume;
This day his eyes are closed in death,
His body confined in the tomb.

Farewell, my friends, my children dear;
To you I bid farewell;
The love I have for your precious souls
No mortal tongue can tell.

Farewell to you, my loving wife;
To you I bid adieu,
And if I reach fair Canaan's shore,.
hope to meet with you.

Composed and sung by Elder Abner Vance, under the gallows

Suitcases from an insane asylum tell of lives long lost
What They Left Behind
by Jennifer Gonnerman
January 28 - February 3, 2004

The story

7 reasons not to mess with a child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what
God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of
a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly
noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of
my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's
hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of
the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,
she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn
red in the face." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of
the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end
of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.

Hammering The Household Handyman's GuideSawing

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Would you rather ride on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar .... somethin somethin somethin somethin .....


Space, the final frontier