The horney parrot
A farmer buys a pair of bonded parrots. He puts them in his living room in a larger cage and notices that the male parrot immediately makes untoward advances to the hen. After a few hours the hen is dead and the farmer, disgusted with this turn of events throws out the male.
A few hours later the farmer sees the parrot at it again. He thinks, "I had better do something about that parrot", but when he returns with his shotgun - there are dead chickens everywhere and no parrot to be seen.
The next day, after finding several wild birds also dead, the farmer sets out to find this parrot. He comes upon him lying on the ground with his feet in the air.
"So you finally did yourself in, huh?!?!" to which the parrot, pointing to the buzzards circling overhead and winking laciviously replies, "shhhhhhhhh".
The Holiday parrot
There was a man who wanted an unusual holiday gift for his wife so he went into a pet store. Owner tells him "Got just the thing...Chet the singing parrot!" Guy wanted to see him so the owner brings out this big beautiful parrot (I like to think he's a grey).
"Gimme your lighter," the owner tells him, "I gotta get him warmed up."
He takes the lighter and holds it under Chet's right wing, and Chet begins to sing, "The first Noel..." Then he holds lighter under left wing and Chet starts singing, "O little town of Bethlehem..."
"He's great!" shouts the man. "I'll take him!"
The man rushes home with Chet and bursts into the house. He proceeds to tell his wife that he has a Christmas present for her but has to give it to her early.
He takes Chet out of the box and says to his wife, "watch this," and holds Chet's right wing over the candle on the table. Chet begins singing, "Deck the halls with boughs of holly..." Then he hold's Chet's left wing over the candle and Chet sings, "Jingle bells, jingle bells..."
"That's amazing," cries the man's wife. "Let me try!"
She proceeds to grab Chet around the mid-section and holds him over the candle.
Chet begins singing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."
The misunderstanding
A wealthy guy decides to buy a real expensive parrot for his mom who lives alone. So he spends $15,000 on an exotic bird that speaks three languages and he has it sent to his mom in Florida.
He phones her a few days later and says, "Mom, how did you like the bird?"
She says "Oh,thanks for sending it, it was delicious!"
He says "YOU ATE THE BIRD??? Mom, how could you?!?!? It was a very rare bird, it cost $15000, and it spoke three languages!"
His mom replies... "So why didn't it say something?"
The pious parrots
A woman approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say 'Hi, we are bad. Do you want to #@*&$?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exlaimed. "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," says the lady.
So the next day the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are bad. Do you want to #@*&$?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!"
Firemen rescue parrot with fear of heights
Firemen rescue parrot with fear of heights
Firemen had to be called out to rescue a parrot with a fear of heights that got stuck at the top of a tree. Ollie's phobia only became apparent after he escaped through the skylight of his home in Musselburgh, near Edinburgh, reports the Scotsman. The Australian Red Sided Eclectus flew about a mile before settling near the top of a 50ft tree where fear left him stuck - for four days.
Owner Mario D'Amico was beginning to give up hope until his neighbour told him he had heard a bird while out walking at nearby Inveresk.
"We rushed up there and we could hear a bird saying "hello" and we knew we had found Ollie," said Mr D'Amico.
"He knew we were there and kept saying 'hello mummy, hello daddy' and 'good boy, bad boy', but he just wouldn't come down."
Mr D'Amico eventually called the Scottish SPCA, where an inspector deemed the situation "life-threatening" for the parrot, as he hadn't eaten for days. The fire brigade were called in, but found the tree was too tall for them to climb, leaving them with only one option - using a high pressure hose to "scare" him off his perch.
Mr D'Amico said: "I didn't think it was a very good idea in case he flew further up the tree.
"But we were really panicking by this point and were desperate to get him down, so we decided to chance our luck with the hose and eventually he came down. I was in tears of joy."
Robert Baldie, an inspector with the Scottish SPCA said: "He was probably scared of heights. He's used to being in a cage and then suddenly he's stuck up a tree."
A foul mouthed racist bigot of a comedian called Bernard Manning has just died in Britain. He was banned from all broadcasting media and toured the clubs. But he did have impeccable timing and some of his jokes were funny. This led to a discussion about what is acceptable to broadcast on the BBC. As an example they gave this parrot joke...
A black man walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says
where did you get that?
The parrot says
Africa, there are ****ing millions of them.
.................................
Manning was a self confessed racist. but if you find that joke funny, are you a racist too?
Would that joke ever be broadcast on US main stream tv?
When I was much younger we used to have budgie that sounds like that. He developed a taste for beer, and every time my father would poor a glass, he insisted on sitting on the rim and getting his share. He'd shake his head comically after every sip. Playing monopoly, he used to pick one pile of bills, and drag them to someone elses.
