Shotgun wedding speech by the father of the groom.
Well, he’s finally gone and done it, at last he’s tied the knot
He should a tied it years ago, then he’d not be in this spot
And now he’s gonna learn about the simple facts of life
To stop a girl from having sex, just make that girl your wife.
I didn’t teach him bout the birds and bees, but he learned himself no doubt
Things like, —pubic hairs are curly so your eyes don’t get poked out
And women, they’re like cyclones, it don’t take that much nouse
To know, you start off with a blow job and end up with no house.
I should have told you long ago — (to women) — we're simply seen as
The life support that’s carried round by the thing they love, (our penis)
Plus, sex and playing Rugby are similar things for sure
Cos there’ll come a time in later life, you can’t do em any more.
Now here it is, your wedding day, an anniversary to remember
And mark my words — SHE’LL not forget— this 12th day of November
But anniversaries to most men, are just like toilet bowls
Cos you’re gonna miss em both old mate and may the lord god save your soul.
But to the bride who’s now me daughter and putting all jokes to one side
Welcome to our family mate, and I say that with some pride,
May you live as long as you both may want, is the blessing that I give
And may you never want for anything as long as you both may live.