Well yes I need creativity too. But it needs to be intense otherwise I get bored.
I don't know exactly why i go into despond. I suppose when I am working towards something, I have sense of purpose, I'm kind of sacrificing the present moment for something in the future. When I haven't got anything, I kind of focus on how the present moment isn't exactly satisfactory.
I don't my mind changing it's knitting, I often try and push for that.
It's easy to learn about something I care about for my course. But when it comes to sitting at home and teaching myself, I feel a various mix of things.
Firstly, I think i'm being a bit naive, I kind of worry that i'm wasting my time and that I won't remember what I'm learning, or that it won't be of any use.
Secondly, I feel a bit abnormal, as in- why am I not out having fun? Surely this isn't a choice activity for a 21 year old. And then I feel guilty for being the way I am and learning being the only thing I care about. I think that might be something to do with living in a house where people like normal things like television and weed. I hate both.
Also, I'm not very good at just 'having fun.' Which sounds stupid, because I am a fun person and my friends find me fun. I just can't do anything in moderation.
For example, last thursday I was still in the quandry I am now. And so decided just to have a weekend of fun- but I just really can't do the nice chilled out version of fun where you just bob along, and ended up going on the weirdest three day adventure through london, and then was ill for two days because I pushed it too hard. It tends to be all or nothing.