Sole caretaker of MOM

Sounds like she should be in a nursing home - why isn't she?

You need some help with this.

Is she low income?

She might be eligible for Medicaid, too.

Where do you live?

There are services for elderly. Contact her doctor and ask for referrals . He can write prescriptions for other services, including home chore and personal help.

You MUST bring in some help - for your own sake an your family's

I agree there are many programs that are offerred to help the elderly. Depending on her income level, she may qualify for financial assistance to pay for assisted living or nursing home or in home help. Could you do a search for elderly assistance in your area?

I don't feel I can put my mother in a nursing home and live with the guilt. Our parents took care of us. Wiped our behinds, cleaned our noses and stayed up all night with us when we were ill. They fed us, educated us, and kept us warm. I don't understand how parents can take of 5 children,and 5 children can't take of one elderly parent. This is the problem. My siblings want no part in Mom's care, and have abandoned her when she became more dependent. If I had then help of a sibling or two, I can manage. But I do not. A nursing home is not an option for me at this point.

She receives about 1,300.00 a month in S.S. I pay supplementary insurance, medicine, adult diapers, special foods. I have extra heat on and put some of it toward my heat bills in the winter. I was told that she receives too much and is not eligible for medicaid. TOO MUCH? It doesn't go that far.

Taking care of a child is completely different than taking care of an adult. Consider lifting (an adult is significantly heavier), bathing, cleaning their diapers, etc. You add to that any medical, physical or mental difficulties.

Just physically there is a huge difference. Also, a parent decides to have a child, a child does not decide to take care of an adult. To be honest, as a parent currently, I would not want this burden on my children. I would not want my children to have to take care of me in such a way. I love them too much. I would like to think they would be there for me as in to visit and spend time with, but I wouldn’t want them to physically take care of me.

Unless you are a nurse and have the skills and knowledge of taking care of an elderly adult, a nursing home in many situations may actually be better for her. My mom recently went through this with her mother (and she is one of eight) " no one else would take her in. Only one other sister helps out. It was too much for her " she is now in a nursing home " getting the care that my mom wasn’t able to give her. She isn’t abandoning her " she is visited by my mom, and her sister regularly along with some of the grand and great-grand kids.

Does it need to be in home care or is she able to leave the house? Depending on where you live you may be able to find adult day care for one or two afternoons/week. Some communities provide transportation to and from the facility. You may also want to check with your local home health agencies and visiting nurse associations. They can tell you what types of support they can provide and what is generally covered under medicare.

Here's a link to medicare.gov which allows you to type in your location in order to find home health care services. I know my mother was medicare only and was able to get a number of services through home health.

link

What does your husband and kids think about this? After all, by caring for your mother in your home, you are affecting their lives too.

I have a friend who took care of her mother. She is now going to a pain clinic. Lifting her mother destroyed her back. Also, if you are exhausted now, it is going to get much worse as she deteriorates.

I had a mother with dementia who died a couple of years ago at the age of 97. When my dad died some decades before, we had a discussion. I told her that I would make sure that she was comfortable, and had everything that she needed, but she could never live with me.

For years she lived about a mile from me, in a little place that I owned. I did her shopping, finances, took her to doctor visits etc. When she was no longer able to care for herself, in the last two years of her life, she moved to an assisted living facility. I still had to do plenty, but it was doable, and I could walk away when things became too problematic for me. I knew that she was getting good care.

She also had the advantage of being in a place where she could interact with peers. Living in a child's house limits the person from only interacting with the family.

You might want to consider a nearby assisted living facility, where you can pop in and visit anytime that you want. If not, there are elder care coordinators, who, for a fee, can help you through the system to access services for your mom.

I agree. I wouldn't want my child to take care of me at that age, & in that state. Am I crazy in thinking it won't be that much longer that I will be doing this. That's what I keep thinking. I keep thinking that I did it this long, and now I feel almost like I am JUMPING SHIP, so to speak at the final stages. I feel like if I put her in a nursing home and she dies in a matter of weeks or months, that I bailed out on her the last minute and let her die alone & unhappy. This has been her biggest fear in life. I know she is deathly afraid of going in a nursing home.

Thank you. I will definitely look into to this.

I can understand - it is easier said than done. You love your mom and everything she has done for you so of course you want to help her when she needs it - you are loving thoughtful person.

One other thing to remember - a child gets easier (at least as far as diapers/feeding) - an adult gets more difficult and more needy. If you need to move her to a nursing home (if there are no other alternatives that are affordable - assisted living; adult daycare; etc), just remember you won't be deserting her - you can visit as much as you like. And this may be more valuable time for the two of you. Now your time spent with her most likely is doing work for her. In a nursing home you can visit and talk.

My husband and I are considering getting long term care insurance so if/when this happens to us, we have options and it would not be burdensome to our children either financially or otherwise.

My husband also went through this with his grandparents as he is their trustee of their estate and they cannot physically or mentally care for themselves. He was able to get them into an assisted living facility - however, it is very expensive about $5k/month. They have a good savings, but it will eventually run out. Hopefully it will be enough for them so they can continue living together.

Medicare does cover Home health aide services if you would like some help caring for your mom. However, if you are considering putting your mom in a long-term care home, this is not covered under medicare if you or your spouse worked less than 40 quarters of Medicaid-covered employment or you are disabled and under 65 and lost disability benefits because you were working.
You pay nothing for Medicare-approved home health care services.

They will also cover 80 % of the costs for Medicare-approved equipment, so you pay 20%.

All providers of Part A services must be certified by Medicare. If you go to a provider who is not Medicare certified, Medicare will not pay for the service. All Medicare certified providers accept Medicare and your share of costs as full payment.

Hope this info helps!