Change your clothes

I think I have slept only 5 hours at a time.. IF THAT .. for the past few days.

I dont think I have felt so.. full.. so.. happy.. in a long time .

Going back home, seeing dozens of people I love, and really being able to relax has given me my confidence back.

!!Fk it all if I didnt even know it was missing.!!

OOOouuuff. How embarrassing is that?

I have even wandered away from my religion. I can not tell you the last time I did anything religious in nature beyond a random thought. And that is something I feel very strongly about. Amazing..

Im a mother. I run my own business. I have a home I take care of. A car I tend to. An apartment I repair. Bills I pay. How can I live with out that?
I can pretend. Wow.. I can pretend. I have been pretending for .. 4 years. Maybe longer.

And in my pretending I have suffocated one of the very things that I can accelerate at . My photography.

Gosh.. I really hope no one reads this and thinks this is all an ego trip, or that I am just stuck in arrogant mode. Truly .. I am not. Arrogant... well.. I am far from that. Ego trip? The only thing I trip on these days are toys.

But, after I got home, I was looking at my note books, my emails, my phone list.. and.. I never really paid attention to the people who have been pawing at me to just BE a damn photographer.

Example... a 25 year photography veteran here in austin, with over 32 national awards and 10 international awards, has left me several emails about ... project ideas. Told me many times he wanted me to work with him on a few things..

And here I sit. Preparing to go clean someones house for my bill money.

WTF...

Why have I kept myself in this housecleaner outfit?

my daily clothes are grimy with dirt. Stained by bleach and make me look like im homeless sometimes.
I can hardly make my bills because I have to work all the damn time for a measly 40 bucks a day.

And Im dressing again.. for that same part.

Im done with this ****. How can I be so stupid eh?

What made me realize that I am actually more capable with a camera then I think I am was going to New Mexico.
Once all was said and done, I pulled 98 photos off of my camera.

ALL taken with out a light meter.
All taken with out the use of the auto feature to help me navigate.
I KNEW what aperture , what film speed, what ISO, what white balance, distance, and when to use flash. Even in a moving car, while it is raining.
I just knew it. And I was able to snap pictures with my camera balanced in one hand... just for the fk of it.

Isnt that the biggest thing to master? Your camera?

Is this what people have been telling me all along? And I just dont listen?

I am having dreams of armageddon.
Floods, wolves of fire burning everything in sight, large entities pushing me forward and into buildings, hurricanes devouring cities and people.. all in the name of cleaning out space.
The wolves of fire caught my attention.
They will circle me in my dreams, looking at me.. almost taunting me to stop them.. then they lean their bodies against something to catch it on fire, and move on to anything else that is left standing. There are 5 of them.

I have also had a female mountain lion in my dreams that I ultimately control. I cant let her damage anything, but I can not restrain her completely either.
This is that whole religious aspect I have been avoiding as well.
To me, these dreams speak volumes..

I have squelched myself in more ways then one and I am astounded , now that I take a fresh breath and a good look around, where I have pushed myself into.. all in the fear of failure.

f/ck that.

Im changing my clothes.

I have a dance recital over the weekend to photograph.
Little kids under the age of 10 in their tu-tus , wings, ballet shoes and boogers.
OHHHhhhhh the glorious boogers.

I see myself making a lot of money from this.

I see myself turning that money into advertising and walking away from cleaning toilets in about 3 weeks.

How cool is that huh?!!