Notice to Pets

Memo from the dog and cat

Dear Bella:

Thank you for reinforcing the rules. We have some questions.

We have been attempting to obtain very small fur pelts for you as gifts for some time, in token of our appreciation. So why, exactly, do you neither allow us to chase squirrels nor to leave dead and dying rodents on the front step?

Your comfort is our comfort! This is why we assure that your lap is in the shape of, well, a lap, as often as possible. We attempt to accomplish this by actually sitting on your lap or placing a paw or chin on it. Kindly do not interfere with our methods by insisting that you are trying to work, read or eat. We don't buy it.

Finally, the toilet arrangements are somewhat confusing. The cat gets a box, the dog gets the outside world and you get the small mystery room. This seems utterly inefficient to us and therefore we propose that everyone use the outside world for toileting, the box be turned into an attractive planter and that the small mystery room be converted to additional kibble storage. A kibble annex, if you will.

Thank you.

Yours, etc., The Dog and The Cat.

PS Neither of us chewed your shoes last week. We're suspicious of the baby.

This deserved a

Memo from the neighbors cat

Dear Mr & Mrs Dea

Could you PLEASE warn me before you release your dog.

Thank you.

Fifi

This is actually true! That damn cat torments poor Zoe....

BBB
You know that we, Dolly and Madison, are small dogs and entitled to sleep on your pillows so stop wishing we would sleep by your feet. Besides, we like playing with your hair on your head more than the hair on your legs. We are high class doggies.

BBB

So it's not just Nisse and Mysan....

Re: Notice to Pets




added onto the letter to my lovely animals...........

BOZ (yes, that is you Mr. Cat), whilst I had underfloor heating installed in the kitchen and utility room, this was in order to benefit our (human and DOG/CAT) feet from getting chilly in the winter and for drying yours when you come in from the cold, wet, paddock. This was a thoughtful gesture on my part. Whilst I am grateful to you for often supplying me with copious presents of the rodent variety - PLEASE do not "play" with your food / my present -in the utility room, only eat half of the them and knock the remaining half under the fridge/freezer where I cannot reach them and where they warm up with the underfloor heating, putrefy and STINK THE HOUSE OUT. You are well fed - you do not need "carry-ins".

I would most grateful if you would adhere to this rule.

Re: Notice to Pets


1. You haven't met my fat cat have you?
4. You don't own a cat do you? Well they do come (especially the fat one - when food is involved).
6. My cats regularly do cat nip

You had WHAT installed?

Really? It's possible to do that?

Dang! I'll come sleep on your floor.

SQUINNEY 'ole buddy

Just come on over.

We'll be hotdawgs (even tho we are much cooler than that cat BOZ)
(Scooby Dawg and Maddie Dawg)


NEXT ON THE BOTTOM OF THE LETTER TO THE FELINES AND CANINES

"Under no circumstances are you permitted to use the laptop!"

I would like to add:

When the telephone rings, it is not for you. Trust me that no cat or dog is calling you. So, stop attempting to answer the phone!!!

My dughter, Butrflynet, used to have a siamese cat named Zeus. When she wasn't home, he used to push the telephone ear piece off the answering machine and meow a response. She had lots of recordings of Zeus' chatting.

BBB

BumbleBeeBoogie
Oh, that is sweet
btw when you see Butrflynet, please tell her I said hi

Dear Bella,

The kibble is nice and the water addition really does help it make its own gravy. However, I feel something is missing so I am asking if it would be at all possible for you to add some cheese to the mix?

Thanking you in advance, The Dog

PS No, the cheese does not make me fart more. That's the cat.

Note to Mysan concerning mobile phone:

It is not dangerous to operate a mobile phone. I really appreciate your concerns but it is not necessary to bite my hand and try to kill the phone whenever I am texting. Thank you.

How to give a pill to a cat....

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

That is so true....except with my dog!

She unrolls anything you put the pill in....she licks the peanut butter off the pill and spits it out. This dog will not take a pill.

Ah, yes, I been there many times. Our late b&w cocker was an artiste at pill advoidance. The dewlaps, or whatever - I call them pouches - are perfect for storing items for later consumption (very much like a chipmunk) or more frequently for eventual ejection.

This photo isn't of our Sam, but it's somewhat like him.



And this isn't our cat, unfortunately.