The truth shall set you free . . .

Reply Thu 14 Nov, 2002 03:25 pm
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.
The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the **** out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh, yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to,
or you don't get the money, and he kicks the ****
out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left
town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left
town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you
the money if you've never talked to anyone who got
the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the **** of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead.

There were eleven items listed:

Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you
leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the **** out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't drink.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the **** out of you.
Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort
of philanthropist kicks the **** out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says, 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says, 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says, 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says, 'Eat right,' and item 8 says, 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the
rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says, 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says, 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock...."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying, 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But.... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary blushes.
John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken.
John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that...."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary faints.
John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the **** out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Shamelessly copied from Casey's Atheist page!

(and then, shamelessly copied by me from the site http://www.p45rant.com/)
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Reply Fri 15 Nov, 2002 11:59 pm
Setana, What a metaphor! Now, if Hank had said the moon was made of blue cheese, and if there were some way of varifying....

0 Replies
Reply Mon 18 Nov, 2002 10:47 am
This one caught my eye immediately, Boss . . .

What a hoot ! ! !
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Reply Mon 25 Nov, 2002 08:29 pm
OH TRUTH! Am I free or what!
Never have a million bucks, BUT I can put
anything I want on MY weiner. Laughing
What a priceless little gem of wisdom!
No mustard, I am out of here....no can do.
Thanks Setanta
0 Replies
Frank Apisa
Reply Tue 3 Dec, 2002 03:04 pm

I loved it!


Where can I find it in the original.

I don't want to shamelessly steal from you -- but I might shamelessly steal from the person you stole it from.

Gotta tell ya, though. This scenario makes a hell of a lot more sense than some of the nonsense I've dealt with when answering my doorbell on a Saturday afternoon.

A hell of a lot more sense.
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Reply Tue 3 Dec, 2002 03:06 pm
Great to see ya here, Boss . . . i saw this for the first time at this site, and the guy who posted it there says he stole it from "Casey's Atheist site" . . . whatever and wherever that is . . . i'll go have a look . . .
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Reply Tue 3 Dec, 2002 03:08 pm
Here ya go, Boss, found it first time:

Casey's Atheist Page
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Reply Wed 4 Dec, 2002 09:01 pm
Superb Setanta Laughing Laughing
Good Grief, Frank - do you mean we
actually agree with each other??????
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Reply Wed 4 Dec, 2002 09:06 pm
Hilarious..... and scary in a way!
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Reply Wed 4 Dec, 2002 09:42 pm
well yeah but MY moon is Velveta and i have Faith!!!
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Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 05:16 pm
Hmmmmmm - now I am not sure whether I should kick hank's arse -or kiss it........

The wiener thing doesn't bother me - I never eat 'em.......
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Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 05:17 pm
Does anything happen if I kiss Setanta's arse?

Oh - I guess Beth kicks mine....... but would I get any money?

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Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 05:36 pm
Hm-m-m-m interesting coincidence.
This is the second time I've posted this quotation today:

"...That vast moth-eaten musical brocade
Created to pretend we never die..."
(Philip Larkin, 'Aubade')
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Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 05:38 pm

How much are you asking?
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Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 05:40 pm
I'll give you double if you change my diaper and clean me up a bit. Laughing
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Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2002 11:00 pm
Kind of funny here, getting kicks in the Spirituality and Religion Forum.
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Reply Sun 8 Dec, 2002 01:29 pm
Someone is at my door.. I'll be right back...
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Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2002 05:37 am
Jjorge - would the arse be clothed or unclothed? I don't DO nappies after the wearer is three.

Clothed - $1,000, 000 - US$ of course.

I love the Larkin quote....
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