How can I let go and Forgive my fiance?

Hello dege10,
It seems you have a hard time getting past this betrayal and I would advice
you to postpone the wedding until you are either ready to accept and forgive
completely or break off. I am sure that she's remorseful and sorry about her
action, but the real question here is: can you trust her in the future? You
seem to bring up the issue more often than she likes to talk about it, which
tells me that you're not over the incident.
As Benjamin Franklin said: when in doubt, then don't!

I agree with Jane but I also think you need to gain some perspective.

She "cheated" (what's that mean? Had a one night's stand? Dated both of you for a few weeks?) before you were engaged. Yes, she was your girlfriend at the time but the relationship was on the rocks and she hooked up with another guy (again... did she see him once or several times?).

She was badgering you to propose (which you eventually did) and she stopped seeing the other guy. Or, did she continue to see him after you got engaged?

She didn't tell you about it for a year. Is that what's really bothering you?

Sort it out. What did she actually do and under what circumstances and determine exactly what it is that's bothering you about it.

In the meantime, put the wedding plans on hold. Do not say, "I do" when you aren't sure that you do.

I agree with JPB and will add that I don't care if it was a one night stand or weeks, you were not engaged. Even with engagement I might quibble, in that that is t not just the cultural time for wedding planning but time for figuring out if marriage to this person is what you want for sure. Your devastation over this could well be a future problem, and so I'll join in with CJane and JPB on putting the marriage off until you figure this out one way or the other. You don't want to be resenting her for this seventeen years from now.

I agree with all who have written. Starting a marriage with a resentment eating at you does not bode well for the union.

IMO, you need time to figure out whether you can not only forgive your fiancee, but make the issue of her affair a part of history, nothing more. If you can't, you need to know it before you walk down the aisle.

It would be awful for your fiancee to have the affair thrown up in her face every time the two of you had an argument.

Your fiancee took a chance by telling you. You owe it to both her, and yourself, to know for sure if you can get past the issue.

It sounds like she was feeling guilty and got it off her chest, and now that you haven't left her, she can't understand how you haven't forgiven her yet either.

It also sounds like you are sending out mixed messages to her about what you are feeling....which may be because you have mixed feelings...but to the person receiving those messages, they are confusing, and probably frustrating.

Also, are you bottling your emotions inside until 'you can figure out what they are'? If so, don't do that - others will perceive that you are, and it does not feel genuine t them. In other words, if you are doing this, it is deceptive - and the other person will resent you for it (despite the fact it was triggered by a deception).

Don't allow her to belittle your feelings. There's nothing wrong with being passionate about your hurt. You have a right to be angry, and to express anger, and to have an outpouring of anger - these things are natural and right. But also remember to be angry in a way that doesn't demean the other person. Anger is more about you and your feelings than about her (even while it involves her)

I wonder about people who "confess" all past relationships with a future spouse.

I wonder why she even told you about this "affair" that happened when you two were not getting along and before you re-committed to each other with an engagement.

She may have had many lovers before you. So what?

Now, are you going to reveal all your relationships to her?

guilt

If it's guilt, it's selfish guilt. Dumping bad feelings on another person is not loving at all.

Yes, it was a one night stand. When I talk to her about it, she feels disgusted and ashamed. I asked her why she did it and she tells me she was sort of persuaded into it. She did not want to do it, she says it just happened. I understand that there's no excuse for it. At the time we were not engaged, she says that she felt our relationship was going nowhere. I guess she saw someone giving her attention and she was so weak, she just gave in. She realized she made a mistake that day and she was sure to not let it happen again. She says it was like a nightmare, she realized she hurt the one she loved. I guess that part that bugs me the most it to why she waited so long to tell me?? The guilt must have been eating her inside. I Love to death, I want to marry her, but I don't want these feelings of betrayal anymore.

I've been reading alot on forgiveness and I've learned that to forgive it not to forget, but to move on with life. I'm learning to empathize and look at the bad in her but all the good. I cannot live the rest of my life being angry, having bitterness, or holding a grudge. Me and her are like best friends. I want to have a happy life with her. I realize humans make mistakes and we must learn to accept them for what it is... A mistake. That is what I know learning now. Please reply, I'd like to hear your opinion.

Yes, it was a one night stand. When I talk to her about it, she feels disgusted and ashamed. I asked her why she did it and she tells me she was sort of persuaded into it. She did not want to do it, she says it just happened. I understand that there's no excuse for it. At the time we were not engaged, she says that she felt our relationship was going nowhere. I guess she saw someone giving her attention and she was so weak, she just gave in. She realized she made a mistake that day and she was sure to not let it happen again. She says it was like a nightmare, she realized she hurt the one she loved. I guess that part that bugs me the most it to why she waited so long to tell me?? The guilt must have been eating her inside. I Love to death, I want to marry her, but I don't want these feelings of betrayal anymore.

I've been reading alot on forgiveness and I've learned that to forgive it not to forget, but to move on with life. I'm learning to empathize and look at the bad in her but all the good. I cannot live the rest of my life being angry, having bitterness, or holding a grudge. Me and her are like best friends. I want to have a happy life with her. I realize humans make mistakes and we must learn to accept them for what it is... A mistake. That is what I know learning now.

Why do you use the word "betrayal"??

You have put judgement on this act - which was done when you were NOT in a good relationship with her - and you whine about it.

She was in another life when this happened. Now you are back into her life. If you can't put her past life in the past, let her go and be free to love someone who loves her NOW.

In other words, get over yourself!!

These words are just excuses, and yet they are not. She knew entirely what was going to happen. And she isn’t unable to control herself. Perhaps she is immature, or perhaps she has a much higher sex drive than you, or perhaps any number of other reasons existed for her to do what she did – do you understand why she went there?

You are avoiding whatever your own issue is here. You make it sound like the ‘guilt that must have been eating at her’ is offensive to you. Why is it offensive to you?

What would make those feelings of betrayal go away?

And you say she betrayed you, but you want to marry her. Is ‘who she is’ capable of giving you want you want. And I don’t mean just the aspects of her that you love – I mean, ‘the whole of her’. Don’t marry a figment formed through rose coloured glasses – love her for who she is, or not.


Empathy is looking at both the good and the bad, and understanding why the good and the bad exists.
So what’s in it for you? Holding on to this thing?

I would like to know how it went

just forget about it. it wasnt love...it was just sex.