nimh wrote:....
But the Hawaiian thing.. I mean this might just be me.. or perhaps a cultural thing.. but isnt it really, really impolite to organise your wedding on Hawaii, send out invitations which, at least for anyone halfway intimate, would be an insult to reject, and then to just expect them to pay for all the costs of getting there, staying there? I mean, a flight and hotel to/in Hawaii .. thats a lot of money. I'd never be able to afford it.. (I mean, even if it was just the flight from the US.) ...?
That's the idea. These can be folks who have a lot of family, are caught up in the
"oh you can't get married without inviting Great-aunt Sylvia and seventh cousin Marvin and Jemima from your elementary school and and and ..." nonsense, so they go to Hawaii or wherever, toss out invitations to be polite, but truly only expect a very small slice of their family and friends to show.
Problem solved. Great-aunt Sylvia, etc. get an invitation but were faced with an insurmountable financial (or vacation time) hurdle, and they either send a check or a just a nice note. The couple get a small wedding in a pretty location, just with their truly nearest and dearest. Everyone goes away more or less happily but it's a grand deception, a kind of parentally-sanctioned version of one step up from eloping.
In olden days, as in 1950 and earlier, you sent out invitations only to your closest friends, companions and family, and you sent announcements to everyone else. People receiving announcements were under no obligation to send a gift; more likely, they would just send a nice note or card congratulating the couple. It was for convenience's sake, too, so that the President of the Junior League would know that Muffy Higglebottom was now Mrs. J. Foofaraw and would be living in Hightown or wherever, after a certain date. These announcements were intended to be not too much beyond the standard change of address packet, although nicely appointed and engraved.
One way around the
destination/I really want a small wedding but my family is huge issue is to have a tiny wedding, either in town or at a destination, really only invite the absolute bare minimum crowd, and then have a reception later, particularly if the couple make it clear that they don't want any gifts -- but that's a hard thing to do, particularly if you're just starting out and really could use a waffle iron or, more likely, a check.
PS Our wedding had, um, 120 people (we invited something like 150), I think the whole shebang except for honeymoon cost us $12,000, which was average for 1992. The reception was kosher so that has a lot to do with the cost. One thing I would recommend to any bride and groom is to sink money into photographs and video (if you wish). Because in the end, that's most of what's left (yes, we have rings, and my dress is in a trunk in the next room, but you know what I mean).
We're married 15 years and I know it does not affect our happiness one whit that we did not arrive at the reception in a limo.
Was it stressful for you planning such a big event, sakhi, or was it mostly fun? ....I don't think I could handle such a big gathering under any circumstances, it sounds overwhelming to have so many people around to me! 
....Family, friends, acquaintances, neightbors, ex-neighbors - they were ALL there. 
